New and excited, yet problem

[Ivylmt13]

I have been thrust into a poly relationship. I realize I make my own decisions and so I have decided to stay here.
My husband cheated when I went through menopause. He lied and deceived me and fell in love with the other woman. He thought I would leave (I always told him I would) and so he kept me crazy with his lie upon lie. Finally I found out all and I asked him if he loved me. He said he still loved me but had grown away from me (guilt and I'm sure the excitement of another played a part)
We have since (a couple weeks) grown back close. He loves the other woman and me and does not want to lose either of us.
After searching my heart. I love this man and do not want to lose him. Yes he lied but he is human and I have decided to move on and look to the future instead of the past.
He told the other woman he would end up with her and I would leave. Well that did not happen and she is hurt and angry too.
I have tried opening my heart to her. She and I are both interested in other women, but apparently she wants nothing to do with me, she would be with other women just not me. It's him loving another that is bothering her. He would like both of the women he loves all together at the very least as friends. Possibly more.
I have tried very hard to open my home and heart to her. She wants nothing to do with me.
It upsets me that she will take half of his time, but I do know there are 3 people with 3 different needs and desires.
And so I am trying to learn to live with this new life. I will be moving in a couple weeks to where her neighborhood is as that is where my husbands office now is.
Is there a way to do this so it is cool and not a big fat drag? Bottom line I will live with him half the time and make my own life I guess.
However his family and children all know me, I would have opened my arms to her and brought her into our family, even just as a friend. But if she wants him to choose between us then I cannot allow her into my inner circle, I realize that is also his decision, but it would be cruel to cut me out of our family to bring her around. That would be unfair to me. Is this right thinking. I am trying my best.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Ivylmt13,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Well you are certainly being generous towards your husband and the other woman. As long as she wants nothing to do with you, there is not much you can do. I would concentrate on your relationship with your husband and let him worry about her.

I hope Polyamory.com can be of some help to you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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[IndieSolo]

Hmm. I would say you shouldn't even bother trying to extend the hand of friendship to his girlfriend. She's not interested. I would also ask your husband to stop passing along information about her to you. You don't need to know what she's pissed off about or wants, blablabla. Your husband wishing you and she could be lovers doesn't matter one iota. Just worry about managing your own relationship with him and forget about her.

So, along that vein, is your husband actively working to rebuild your trust in him, after his awful betrayal? You've been very forgiving, but what efforts has he made to make amends and earn your trust and forgiveness?

 

[Magdlyn]

Bit of a mess here.

First of all, polyamory does not mean 3way sex. A poly person can love 2 other people. Those 2 people are metamours (sharing one partner) but there is no requirement those 2 people also love each other and have sex together. Quite often, metas are merely shadows to each other. Sometimes they like each other, sometimes they feel neutral, or even dislike each other. Sometimes one or both do not want to meet the other. Sometimes they are comfortable meeting at the door before a date with the hinge of the V, being polite and having a brief conversation. Sometimes they will meet for coffee, or at a party, and get a little more acquainted. Sometimes they will like each other and be able to share space with each other along with the hinge of the V (their shared partner). Sometimes they will get along great and do things together one on one (lunches, shopping, playdate with the kids (if any), having coffee or drinks or an evening in with a movie, etc.), as well as date as a threesome with the hinge.

And once in a great while, the metas are bisexual and do become attracted to each other and want to have sex, one on one, or in a 3some with their shared partner. Even more rarely, a full triad will develop, and all three will agree to cohabit and work out legal responsibilities to each other, to the house, to the children present, or to future children any of the females give birth to.

It's quite natural for the hinge to wish his or her 2 partners would love each other as well as the hinge, and be willing and eager to eventually share space regularly or decide to cohabit, but that is a rose colored fantasy that takes a lot of work to manifest. Sexual and romantic excitement can make this fantasy very appealing to the hinge, but there is much that has to happen first, and often there aren't enough feelings of comfort or love between arms of a V for that to happen.

Only you three can decide where on the continuum you are.