New and feeling too controlling

K

KGMlove

New member
So as I said in a recent thread, my husband and I are new to an Open Marriage (not quite poly so I hope this is okay to say here). Anyway, we are both excited about it and feel it's right for us. And we have a great marriage. We both signed up on dating sites just a week ago and already met someone (both of us met someone different) and have been texting each other. I met someone who was going to meet me today but he had to reschedule. My husband met someone who is also in an open marriage and she texts a LOT which my husband doesn't mind but I keep asking when they are going to actually meet. My husband finally asked and she isn't sure because she is having hip surgery in a few weeks. My point is: I realized that I had kept asking him when they were going to meet and if he had asked yet. And it's the same old issue with our marriage-- I like to feel in control. otherwise-- we do have an excellent marriage and love each other very much. But also--- I do have compersion. This is not about jealousy or comparison at all. I WANT him to physically meet someone and not just text and maybe I am too antsy about it? He just seems more laid back. So I guess I need to focus more on feeling happy for him about having someone to text at least? This is all SO new to me but so I guess it's understandable that my own issues are just now popping up. At least I am realizing this now so I can work on not being so obsessed with him and his relationships. (again I am not jealous-- I am just very anxious for him to actually physically meet someone!) :) Can anyone relate to this?
 
I can relate a little. I don't try and push Cat because I am controlling. I do it because I think she would feel better about our relationship if she was dating others. Also, I feel compersion and she does not. We have some other issues as well, but I think a good dose of NRE would go a long way for her.
 
If you focus on him and his potential dates, it gets you off the hook from focusing on your own dating -- in other words, the unfamiliar and/or possibly uncomfortable. So, it's easy enough to slide into that, but being aware of what you are doing is a huge step. Then all you have to do is tell yourself to stop that. Relax, and let each of you go at your own pace.
 
Thanks. I realized that even though I can be a tad bit controlling, in this case I think it really is about compersion. I am extremely excited for him to meet someone. I have laid low though since I made that post and realized what I was doing. At the same time, I do realize that communication is good anyway as far as schedules and making plans between the two of us. Also, it helps that he met someone else since I made the post who actually wants to make a plan to get together.
 
Hmm, it sounds like you are still really very focused on what he's up to, compersion or not. Like I said, focusing on his dating life is a great distraction from looking at your own and dealing with whatever comes up for you (like fear, nervousness, not knowing what to do, insecurity, excitement, anything!). Most of us control freaks (myself being one, too!) get more out of it than just the illusion of being in control. So... how is YOUR dating life going? Tell us about YOUR side of the poly arrangement!

:D
 
It's starting to go well actually! I have plans to meet someone next week and I'm really excited about it. It's true that I was a lot more apprehensive about dating than my husband was. I'm starting to feel more confident though!
 
Hey KGMlove,

I wouldn't worry too much about your "control issues;" they will probably work themselves out over time. That's great that you have someone you'll get together with next week!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top