New and need help

R

Ryan74

New member
Good morning all,

I'm extremely new to this and only found out what being polyamorous was yesterday.
My partner drop the bombshell on me when I got home from work.
After the initial shock of it all and fealing like my world has turned upside down I'm trying to come to turns with what it means for us both going forward. I'm deeply in love with my partner and have never had a connection like this with anyone.

A little info on us - she's 27 and I'm 36 we have been together for four years and lived together most of that time to, we get on fantastically and rearly have anything negative to say to each other. We have two cats and a dog and have a great time being together. We decided to get married a little over 9 months ago although we had descused it many months befor, the date for said marriage is next March.

I'm a very open person who thinks everyone should be who they are and who they feel they should be.

Being only ever in a monogamous relationships in the past I'm struggling with the concept of my parter having another relationship.

We run very independently lives and don't live in each others pockets so the connection with others is not a worry to me, I'm just really struggling with the intermercy aspect of it all.
Can anyone advise me how to move forward with this or anyone here going through the same.
 
Hi Ryan - and welcome to the Forum! You've come to the right place - we have lots of experienced folks who are generally helpful and friendly, so please do feel free to post and questions and comments that you may have.

My wife also dropped the poly bomb on me one fateful evening - so I can certainly relate to your story (my full story is at the link in the signature below, including updates in the comments section). Closing in on three years later, I am now "happily poly" (my wife's boyfriend frequently hangs out with us and has spent many overnights in our home - we even go cycling together. And I have partners as well) - but it did take some work to get there.

What was very helpful for me was learning as much as I could about poly - so I hung out on this forum a lot, read a bunch of books and web articles, listened to a bunch of podcasts - and talked to an openly poly friend as well. The reason I found this so helpful was that it helped me undo the cultural conditioning that makes its so difficult for a guy in a mono relationship to accept the idea that his wife could also have other romantic/sexual relationships. But try to consider that it might be that the jealousy and insecurity you might feel around this is just due to what you have been taught and told and witnessed all your life. But it doesn't have to be that way - other societies have done it differently (if this interests you, you might find the book "Sex at Dawn" helpful) - and immersing yourself in poly thought may be able to help you to break free of that conditioning - it did for me. I vividly recall the thought that me being willing to "share my wife" would make me weak or unmanly - but was ultimately able to make the paradigm shift. Now, if someone were to "call me" on "allowing" my wife to sleep with other men, I would just suggest to them that they probably need to work on their own insecurities (although, in fairness, for practical reasons, we are "out" only to a few.)

Oh - and - finding a partner or two for yourself will work wonders as well! :)

Here is a link to some of the very best poly sites that you might find helpful.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108191

Again, welcome!

Al
 
Oh - and I forgot to ask. Does she want to transition to poly so that can be open to new relationships? Or does she have someone specific in mind? - my wife did although she would not act on it without my consent, as we have always shared a certain ethical bond. Or - is she already in another relationship ongoing - and now wants to transition to poly? This is a somewhat different conversation - because then she would have been cheating, and now wants to legitimize it by calling it polyamory. Not to say that this can't be done - but sure makes it more difficult, because first you have to get past the initial dishonesty. al.
 
Greetings Ryan74,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Like Al99 said, learn as much as you can about poly. You can definitely do that via this forum. Explore the threads and boards here, and post many thoughts and questions as you go along. Also there is a book that may help you, it is called, "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino. And, I highly recommend that you read the Poly FAQ page.

It sounds like right now you are kind of in a state of shock, you did not know about poly before, and you had no idea your partner was poly. It is okay to be in a state of shock, and it's understandable why you would be struggling. This is not a little thing, this is huge. I hope we all on this forum can help you adjust.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Kevin wrote:
Also there is a book that may help you, it is called, "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino.
Click to expand...

Agreed! - and it seems to be the general consensus that is the best book to read as an introduction to poly. The author describes the larger universe of consensual non-monogamy, and then places poly within that sphere, as well as discussing the basics of the ethical poly lifestyle. Available from Amazon and elsewhere - in paperback and ebook.

Al
 
Thankyou for the replys we have been having very open conversations and are taking it slow is it is new to both of us. My partner has been reading up on poly for a while and wanted to talk to me about it befor she moves forward with anything. I'm still struggling with a few aspects of poly but getting to grips with it at the same time. I'll keep reading up and looking into it all. Thanks again
 
No problem, it sounds like you are getting things worked out little by little, that is good to hear. Keep the channels of communication open, it is very important to communicate.
 
we have been having very open conversations and are taking it slow is it is new to both of us.
Click to expand...
Excellent! There's a saying that the Three Rules of Poly are: "Communicate, communicate, communicate". :) My wife and I had many long late night talks as we discussed transitioning to poly - and they were absolutely essential.

Glad to hear that you are going as slow as you need to - it really is incumbent on the spouse requesting to transition to poly to give the other partner all the time they need and to talk about it as much as they need to. My wife actually did a remarkable job in this area (probably helped that she is a certified mediator, trained in conflict resolution). Here's a copy of the an earlier narrative that I posted on what she did right.

.....................................

My wife, Becky, did a number of things very right in approaching me about opening up our relationship - even though she has not actually "studied" poly. Which was interesting, since much of what she did right is what one often sees recommended on the poly forums and in the literature.

1. Made sure that I understood that it was not about me - no matter how much it might seem that way. There was nothing wrong with me and I had
not failed in any way. This was about her feelings and not a reflection on me.

2. Made sure I understood that it wasn't because she didn't love me as much as she ever had - but she believed it was possible to love more than one man at the same time without diminishing the love for either (the classic poly argument is to consider that a parent can love multiple children at the same time and still love any others than come along as well).

3. Made certain to emphasize that her relationship with Ben (her bf) would be "in addition to" - and not a replacement for - our marital relationship. And that our relationship would still be "primary" (after all we were married with a child in a home - with a mortgage, etc) - and that we could negotiate what exactly that would look like. I found the phrase "in addition to" to be particularly helpful in helping me come to terms with her desire to have a second relationship.

4. She was very patient - and did not try to push it along too quickly. We could take it one step at a time, and she agreed not to have sex until I felt I could accept the idea. And although she did want to include sex in their relationship eventually as a natural progression, for her it was much more about her feelings and her emotional involvement.

5. She was willing to talk about it as much as I needed to - no matter how long it took or how often - and to answer any questions that I might have - without any apparent frustration. She understood the need for me to process the situation. And she was very patient and understanding of my frustration and emotional turmoil at her request - very validating while still upholding her belief.

6. She went out of her way to reassure me of the depth of our relationship during this time - avoiding arguments, being especially loving and affectionate as well very open and honest about here thoughts and desires.

7. She agreed that being completely honest and transparent was absolutely essential - to whatever degree that I felt I needed that to be ok.

8. Made sure that I understood that I could also have another partner if and when I was ready.

And, I already understood from life experience that it is very possible to love more than one person at a time (acting on that is the issue) - and that one person cannot supply all of another's needs. These points may need to be discussed as well.

We also had an in depth discussion about sex when we reached the point where I was ready to talk about it - and agreed on the various parameters. This will obviously vary by couple - but we agreed on transparency and a willingness to utilize the sexual energy created by their relationship to enhance our own (as discussed both in "The Ethical Slut' and in "Opening Up".) This proved to be helpful when the time came - as I discussed in the comments just prior to this post on this same introductory post thread.

Opening up a mono marriage is probably more often than not a challenging proposition - especially if one of the partners is making the request of the other partner who would rather remain mono, and may object to opening up the marriage. Hopefully some of these points - gained from our personal experience in just such a situation - may prove helpful to those who find themselves in such a situation. Al
 
That was extremely helpfull thankyou, we are moving very slowly at the moment and talking all the time, she is also very understanding of my feelings as I am of hers as it's still new I'm still not shore how I feal about it I understand all the points and reasonings but hopefully time and communication will continue to help. I know if I end up not being on board with it it won't be for lack of trying our hardest as team.
 
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