new and scared

C

confusedcoug

New member
Greetings all. 33 year old college student here whose long term relationship has recently became poly. Excited by certain aspects of it but also scared at what I am seeing from my partner. I am hoping that sharing my experience on here will either make me more at ease with what is happening or convince me that this lifestyle is not for me. :confused:
 
Mainly that i may be losing my position as her primary man. I am fine with her having as many guys on the side as she wants. We are swingers so the idea of her with others is actually a turn on, but the guy she is seeing on the side....they have alot in common and i know she really likes him in more than just a friend with benefits way
 
I have my husband, who is my primary. I also have my "other husband." I also have a steady boyfriend. We also swing. So, I have several men that I see either regularly or on occasion. My husband will always be my primary. I love my husband and my "other husband" equally. The love I feel for my boyfriend is right up there as well.

If you fear that you may lose your status as her primary man, you need to express those fears to her. Let her know that you are more than okay with her seeing this other man, but you want to be reassured that you will not lose your place with her.

Do you feel that there is something lacking in your relationship with her? If so, that needs to be addressed. If you feel that your relationship is solid, then you have nothing to fear.

If you two have been swingers, and it turns you on to see her with other men, why is it not a turn on knowing that she may have found someone that she really likes?

My husband is very compersive. He actually feels most loved when I have sex with other men. And the relationship I have with my "other husband" is very solid. I have known my husband for 7 years. I have known my "other husband" for almost 26 years. I have a lot of history with my "other husband." My husband could be jealous and fear that he could lose his place in my heart and in my life, but he knows that will never happen. He also knows that my relationship with my "other husband" is just as solid as my relationship is with my husband. They are on an equal playing field.

If you fear you may lose your place, you have to ask yourself where you may be lacking and how you might make your place more solid.

You can PM me if you like as well.

Debbie
 
Greetings confusedcoug,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I know transitioning from swing to poly is scary for many people, so I don't blame you for having some concerns about your partner's "new guy on the side." Usually the trick is to identify what specific things you need your partner to do to help give you the emotional reassurance that you need. People are good at getting on the same page when the terms are concrete, whereas discord bubbles up when the terms are abstract.

I hope you and your partner get things worked out, and will be happy to help in any way I can.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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Welcome aboard!
 
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