New and struggling

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Pollywog

New member
Almost two years ago my wife (of over a decade) came to me with a request to pursue a relationship with another woman. We had been friends with this other woman, and her husband (also over a decade) for a while. I agreed, and they began seeing each other. We had never had an open relationship in the past, and this was going to be my wife's first relationship with another woman. The other couple had done some swinging in the past, but nothing quite like this. The boundaries that were set early on were that the husbands were not physically involved. I think this fits the extended family situation.

The relationship flourished for my wife. She was growing as a person, and finding out new things about herself. After a year of them dating the decision was made to move in together. It came with some definite adjustments, but after 6 months I can say it is going well. I am very happy with my new family.

The one area I am having trouble with is sexual jealousy. My wife wants to have sex with me as much as ever, but I am noticing that bringing her to orgasm is becoming more difficult. Often a lost cause. I am also seeing that when she masturbates she will watch girl on girl porn. I sometimes hear her with her girlfriend (not spying and I've told her about it), and it does not sound like she is having the same problem with her. As a result I am finding myself with growing self esteem issues. Sex is no longer as intimate, and I'm realizing that I am the driving force behind that. I feel like I am the less desired partner, so I've stopped trying. I realized that I've almost completely given up on foreplay. I know that the relationship with her girlfriend still has some of the new excitement to it. I'm just not sure how to keep my head in the game.

Any constructive advice would be greatly appreciated!
 
Have you tried talking about it with your wife? You say you've accidentally seen her with the gf and she doesn't "seem" to have trouble cumming. You say you've "noticed" she looks at FF porn when she masturbates.

Ask her if she definitely prefers FF sex now, instead of torturing yourself speculating on notions you've picked up sort of eavesdropping.

Ask her that. Listen to her answer. Then tell her you feel inadequate as a lover. That you feel your form of foreplay and intercourse isn't satisfying or pleasurable for her anymore. That you've "given up" on foreplay as a result.

There's a chance it's her NRE. There is also a chance she is discovering she is more on the FF side of sexuality than on the MF side. It's a spectrum with bi people. It can be 60%/40% or 70%/30% or any other proportion. Finding out what she prefers, just because of who she is, might help with your sinking self esteem.
 
We have talked about it a couple of times. She assures me that she enjoys us both equally, but differently. I know how much she loves me, and would not want to hurt me. I'm also not sure if she is ready to admit to herself exactly where the proportions fall. It is the non verbal tales that she can't control that are giving me the most issue.

I will definitely have the foreplay conversation. Thanks for the input.
 
It's great you've broached the subject. Take her at her word that she still desires you. It's great she still initiates or responds to your overtures.

However, she is probably in NRE to the concept of FF sex itself. It's a whole new world to discover! It has probably been in her fantasy life for a long time, and it's still a new behavior for her. She is playing catch-up.

I get you're frustrated though. It's tough to not be able to make your partner cum. I've been with several men who never or rarely came. It was usually a psychological problem, or a symptom of aging or prostate trouble or medications. So I tried not to take it personally. But it still wasn't fun! A large part of sex for me is making my partner cum good and hard (and more than once, if possible).

Maybe a romantic getaway every now and then would help. Hotel sex, and a change of scene, a romantic day or two of sightseeing and fun restaurant food or picnics could rekindle yummy feelings.

You two may have been neglecting your dating life, since you're so occupied with your new life living with 2 new roommates. Long term couples need to work at keeping the romance alive. This is trite but true.
 
A couple of thoughts for you to consider.

Has your sex with your wife been penetration focused? Have you had a pattern of foreplay of some kind and then finishing with PIV (penis in vagina) penetration? If so, that may be contributing to your concerns. Women/woman sex is sometimes less focused on penetration and can incorporate more of an entire body experience. (I don't mean to imply that women who have sex with women never have or don't enjoy penetration. Many do - I'm one of them. But it's not the only game in town, or maybe not even the most important one.)

Do you know if your wife has come from PIV before? She may be discovering as a side effect of sex with women that she doesn't respond orgasmically to that act. Most women cannot come from PIV alone. She still enjoys sex with you but perhaps doesn't respond physically in the way she used to.

If these thoughts strike a bell, none of this means you are a bad lover or partner. You clearly are not.

Finally, consider a counter intuitive strategy. Instead of making orgasm the point of sex, make being intimate the point. (They are not the same.) Instead of making your wife come, (or yourself), enjoy each other's bodies. Play with each other, give major attention to parts you or she may not pay much attention to normally. Don't worry if either of you come, or treat it as a happy accident. Learn what feels good for your bodies (both of you - not just her). Experiment, try new toys, different roles, new acts, new locations, positions. Just enjoy each other - your smells, feel, taste, how you move, how she moves. Moving orgasm from the point of sex to a joyous afterthought takes the pressue off of both of you.

Keep talking about this with her. Don't let shame or fear stop those conversations. Ask her what she thinks about de-emphasizing orgasm when with you sexually.

Also, don't go by audible clues alone. You may be misinterpreting those clues.
 
That is great advice! She says that she still really enjoys sex even without orgasm. I have a hard time accepting that. I've never had an issue with orgasm. For me it feels so great, and happens so easily that I can't imagine being satisfied without it. For her it has always come pretty easily, but required external stimulus. That is what has slowed down. Looking forward to exploring that. Thank you.
 
Although my wife still very much enjoys me bringing her to orgasm orally - especially when we have the luxury of some extended alone time before midnight (between, family, work, organizational obligations, etc..), often times these days when time is short and we are both tired (but still horny) - we have a threesome with her favorite toy - which is almost certain to bring her to orgasm in relatively short order. Sometimes I will hold it against her as we kiss and fondle prior to intercourse, and sometimes we position it against her while we make love. She actually prefers the latter as she really enjoys cumming with me inside her, but cannot without the external stimulation. And sometimes - we use both methods so she cums before and during intercourse.

Don't know if this appeals to you guys at all - but works for us - just a thought.

Al
 
Pollywog said:
She says that she still really enjoys sex even without orgasm. I have a hard time accepting that. I've never had an issue with orgasm. For me it feels so great, and happens so easily that I can't imagine being satisfied without it.
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You might think about exploring the concept of a Tantric approach to sex, which is (in part) about emotional connection, sexual energy and specifically non-orgasm focused. Our current sex culture heavily promotes worshipping at the altar of orgasm and many people measure sex by how "good" the orgasm is, signaling the "end" of the sex. But sex is so very much more than the orgasm and when you take your focus off of his turn-her turn, it can be an incredible, hours long, spiritual, emotional and physical experience. Sex with orgasm certainly can be all of this, but when the focus is off of giving each other The Big Moment, there's much more room for....well....a LOT. You don't have to call it Tantric sex and you don't have to learn it from a book or label it anything. Just explore. I guarantee that there's a tremendous amount for you to discover in non-orgasm oriented sex. You'll find that just allowing sexual energy to be present and flowing between you, letting it take you to new places sexually, can be just as if not more mind blowing that those orgasms you've come to associate with great sex.

This is just an idea for you and it won't be everyone's cup of tea, but once I was introduced to this concept of a more Tantric approach to intimacy, "regular" your turn-my turn sex paled in comparison. I urge you think of this as an opportunity to expand sexually and to give it a try!
 
Pollywog said:
... I am noticing that bringing her to orgasm is becoming more difficult. Often a lost cause....
Click to expand...

I have been through this with my boyfriend, though the rest of the situation was different. He was getting quite stressed that he couldn't get me to orgasm. I enjoyed the sex and the closeness anyway, including sexually (not just emotionally), even without the orgasm, but I had a difficult time convincing him of it. It didn't help that I could masturbate myself to one almost instantly.

The harder he tried, the worse it got till I even tried faking it a couple of times just to be able to tick that "milestone" off the agenda and get back to enjoying us.It didn't wash. He knows me too well. I carefully crafted ambushes that didn't give him time to worry about me. I know him too ;)

It turned out to be a phase and either how I "ticked" changed or he "figured out" what made me tick, but there came a phase when he just had to touch me and I'd be ready to climax.

If I have to "choose" today, which sex was better, there still wouldn't be a definite answer. Both were fantastic in their own way, though if counting orgasms alone, obviously the second wins.

Don't know if this perspective helps, just wanted you to know that it is definitely possible to love someone, not get an orgasm during sex, and find it precious anyway.
 
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