New and undecided journey

B

Bouncingbetty

New member
Hi!

I have been lurking a lot, reading other people's entire stories. I thought it may be beneficial for me to write this down since I have very few people whom I can discuss these things with. I did write an intro but I will do a quick recap....

My husband, Brewer and I just had our 4 year anniversary.

About 6 months ago I realized that I am bisexual. Embracing that identity left me with some disappointment and new found (no longer repressed) desires. Thinking about my ideal situation led me to finding some polyamory resources including this one. I was immediately intrigued and began fantasizing about the possibilities. It took me about a month to bring this up to Brewer. I meant to only talk about being bisexual at first but ended up sharing what I'd learned about being poly too. I told him about my female interest whom I knew he liked too, because she is sooo hot and awesome and everyone in our friend group has thought of it at least once.

For a while we jokingly talked about polyamory, then started discussing things in very general terms and a little bit about our wants, desires, fantasies etc. We don't get much alone time due to our kids and our desire to sleep, lol.

He is not sure he will ever be comfortable with this, he would always feel like he is cheating. Though he loves the idea of threesomes (with another female) and he is probably ok with me seeing a female.

I love Brewer with all my heart. He is amazing and we have an awesome family together. But I don't think I can unlearn this new concept or unfeel my feelings (I will get into my feelings next time). I want so bad for him to just "jump on the poly train". I know I need to go slow for him, but my brain and my heart are not slowing down.
 
Persons of Interest

I am a 32 year old bisexual female and my husband Brewer is a 38 year old heterosexual male.

My (Brewer likes her too) first romantic interest was Sally. She is a 32 year old bisexual female. We have been good friends for about 10 years. She is currently moving in with us. We had generic poly conversations and I am pretty sure she would not be interested in a relationship with either one of us. She was telling me about her new crush the other night and it was so fun to see her all giddy:)

My best friend, Sunshine, is amazing. She is a 33 year old bisexual female. I would have a relationship with her in a heart beat. But ever since we have been discussing poly she has mentioned how she couldn't date a friend and it's bad to get involved with your best friends, etc. So that will probably never happen but I can still dream lol.

I began thinking about poly when I acknowledged my bisexuality and my strong affection towards Sally. Which Brewer was totally into if anything happened either with just me or both of us though we never discussed specifics.

But since opening my mind to the poly possibilities (I've been reading a lot of everyone's blogs and posts) I really want poly to work. I don't want to just fool around with a female so that I am able to explore my sexuality. I want to have the opportunity to allow my personal relationships to develop freely no matter what the gender of the person.

Brewer and I still have many things to talk about but I am finding it so hard to tell him that I have developed feelings for another man. We will call him Iron, 41 year old bisexual male that I have known for about 10 years. He knows we hang out, we text all the time, we make inappropriate jokes with each other...I talk about him a lot. Just today, Brewer told me that he would be ok with me being with a female but not a male. I told him that it doesn't make sense because I am attracted to both so if he has a problem with males then he should have a problem with females too.

So, even though nothing is decided and I'm nervous to tell Brewer some of my feelings we had the Best night last night. We actually had a babysitter so we got to go to karaoke together. Sally, Sunshine, Iron and 2 of Iron's friends came. Brewer hung out with Sally and Sunshine the majority of the time (this is normal) and I played pool with Iron and one of his friends. Iron bought drinks for all of us. I have not laughed so hard in such a long time. I was able to completely be myself surrounded by my favorite people. I made a point to be affectionate to Brewer a lot of the night. And I was my regular flirty self with Iron (and the others too). We probably stood too close, spent too much of the night talking to only each other, etc. but it was all in front of Brewer and he didn't have a problem with it. He seemed to have fun hanging out with Iron. Like I said, it was the BEST.
 
Finally talked to Brewer

I don't know why I keep getting so nervous to have conversations with Brewer, he is amazing. We were able to talk again tonight. He talked about his reservations and I talked about my fantasies. I told him about my feelings for Iron. He said that he is a great guy and he can see why I would like him. He said that he is ok with me continuing to hang out and talk to him and flirt but nothing else for now. He said he might become more comfortable with physical things if we have a lot more conversations. I love this man! Tomorrow I am ordering "Opening Up" and hopefully Brewer and I can both read it.
 
Moderator note:

For anyone who's wondering, Bouncingbetty has been accidentally caught up in a spam sweep and banned. Hopefully they'll be back shortly.
 
Hi Betty - just message me again when the spam mess gets cleaned up. (I saved the reply that I had typed up in response to your last question). Al
 
Hi it’s BouncingBetty!

Hi! I don’t know why I was accidentally deemed spam and I’m not sure if I was supposed to wait until the error was fixed but I am impatient so I just made myself a new name.
 
Welcome back.

There's usually a leap in spam around this time of the year (I call it Spam-mas), and sometimes valid posts accidentally get their checkbox ticked along with the spammy ones due to the sheer volume that the Spaminators are having to deal with. I'm not sure what level of moderator has the power to un-ban someone, but it seems to be above my pay grade.
 
Poly downside

I just discovered the downside to poly. So many more people to disappoint you. After the weekend I had last weekend I had too high of expectations for this evening and everyone ended up flaking out. Brewer was staying home to watch the kids and I was going to go out with everyone and meet up with a friend from out of town. Sally went to go pick up Sunshine. But the place we were at were checking all ids and Sunshine wasn’t able to get her new one today like planned. So Sally and Sunshine went somewhere else that wouldn’t check with the plan to meet at my house around 12:30. Iron said he was coming out but never showed up and wasn’t answering messages. Turns out his phone got shut off and Sally and Sunshine stayed where they were all night. Brewer was too tired to try to get the baby back to sleep so I had to come home early.

#cantbelieveishoweredforthis
 
A lot can change

It’s been a while since I posted...I am still having discussions with Brewer about poly. He is really back and forth about it. It’s hard for him to reconcile it with his beliefs about marriage and religion. A couple of weeks ago, we almost broke up. We are now back to joking around about it.

I had my first breakup and we weren’t even together! Iron and I had been hanging out a lot and things were going really well. He was so patient about the fact that Brewer and I had not actually decided on poly yet. After having a great time on Thursday he started texting me Friday morning about how he wanted to marry me etc. I reiterated the fact that I am trying to be poly...even if Brewer and I don’t stay together I will still want to be poly. He said he thought he could handle it but now he can’t.

I started a LDR. We met here and started talking about poly and the best ways to talk about poly to Brewer. While emailing it suddenly began to morph into something more��. (Brewer is aware of these conversations and though we have not completely gone poly yet I feel comfortable in calling it a LDR.)
 
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Decidedly poly

Well, Brewer and I just officially decided on poly. He is excited about someone. He is still very uncomfortable with the idea of me with another guy...but since my current interest is really far away he is reluctantly okay with us seldomly ever seeing each other😁. He is open to more talks about it if I have a more local interest but this is a good starting point...
 
OkCupid

After Brewer decided that he would be okay trying poly I started an okcupid account because I have no idea how to meet a woman! I found someone who seemed interesting and sent her a message, let’s call her Yara. We totally hit it off, started messaging, texting and then I went to meet her yesterday. We hung out all afternoon. I met her family, our kids played. Her family is coming to my house this weekend. Regardless of anything else happening, I now have some new friends. But I am excited for the possibility of something more.
 
Still confused but happier than ever

Hi!
It’s been quite a while since I have posted anything, mainly because I have a lot of ongoing “relationships” of some form or another that I have been deepening, building or reestablishing but I have still been lurking occasionally and figured an update would be good.

Brewer is still having a hard time transitioning from monogamy to polyamory. We haven’t been talking about it much and he’s not really searching for another partner. He told me that he still feels like it would be adultery and he is not sure if he can reconcile a poly lifestyle with his religious beliefs. However he is fairly comfortable with our current arrangement. He teases me when I get a text from Al saying “there’s your boyfriend.” He has been okay with me having occasional dates with my new female interest (SexyGeek) and hanging out with Iron. I have been sure to keep things pretty casual with maybe an occasional kiss until Brewer and I figure out exactly what we are doing.

Al and I talk at least a little every day. Usually its a phone call and lots of text messages. I’ve never really had a long distance relationship before but so far so good. I am very impatient to be able to meet him in person, hopefully in a few months. I’m still amazed that we don’t get bored of each other when we have weeks like this where we have talked at least 30 minutes every day on the phone but it turns out that we both super enjoy each other’s company.

I know I said previously that Iron and I “broke up” but after trying to avoid each other for about 2 weeks we decided we should still see each other even if we don’t know if it will ever turn into a real relationship or not. Basically, he is one of my best friends, I just happen to be extremely attracted to him on every level.

I met a new friend about a month ago on OKCupid. We went on an initial date and have hung out several times since then. She has met Brewer though she was very uncomfortable with it at first. She even came to our Thanksgiving. We have kissed a few times but are keeping things going at a slow pace.
 
I’m still amazed that we don’t get bored
Click to expand...

I am really the one who should be amazed - I have been accused of being boring more than once. I somewhat doubt that Betty has. :) Nevertheless - we are both absolutely looking forward to our first real time together - after several weeks of daily talk, text, and email.

Coming into a relationship that has been poly from the start (with Betty) has been quite an interesting experience - and really almost surprisingly agreeable, even considering the ldr staus. I definitely would not have had the same perspective without the last year that I have spent "immersing" myself in poly discussion and literature, after being abruptly polybombed around this time last year. I've come to find it quite liberating - to have loving romantic feelings for someone - whether wife or ldr gf - and yet be able to be able to encourage either of them to enjoy themselves to the fullest in every sense with their other partners - and experience genuine happiness in the happiness they find with them (compersion...).

I do think that Betty comes by this quite naturally as she has had the "poly perspective" from the start. It's been a great first few weeks - looking forward to many more. Al
 
Struggling with OPP

All this talk about having an OPP I decided I would like to comment but figured here was a better place than on the new thread because I really have no idea what I am talking about. When I first began thinking about poly it was because I was interested in women and having my marriage be open to me exploring that desire. When I brought it up to Brewer that is how I initially “sold” the idea. After reading a lot in this forum and reading some books on poly I really discovered that poly is kind of how my brain has always been wired. A lot of my feelings started to make sense from the new perspective and I allowed myself to be open to all the possibilities emotionally.

I then had to share with Brewer that I changed my mind, that I am also interested in other men which was a lot harder for him to come to terms with (he is still not really there). He has agreed to poly if it involves me and women or Al, my LDR bf, because I think he figures we won’t barely see each other so it is not threatening but he does not want me to engage in romantic relationships with other men. I agreed to this for now because I feel that it is what he needs in order to be more comfortable with the poly lifestyle but he is aware that I will not be satisfied with the arrangement forever.

At the moment this is fine. I’m in the early stages of all my new relationships anyways and not really ready for sex. But I started dating this woman a few months ago and she is transgender and has not had bottom surgery. In my eyes, she is a woman and Brewer knows that we have been dating, he has even spent time with her a couple times but I know that he will have a problem with me being intimate with her because she has a penis.

So I will now be needing to have another discussion on the subject soon because though I do not feel ready for sex at this time there is always the heat of the moment...
 
Update Again

I kind of feel like my life has been turned into a soap opera because I have so much going on. I’m not much into drama but I have to admit I like my life exciting. A few not so pleasant things have happened in the past month but they seemed to have worked out for now so all is well.

(I will let Al go more into depth with this if he would like but here is a quick version)...A couple of weeks ago, Al’s wife decided that she could not take being poly anymore. She had been having a hard time dealing with Al being in a relationship with me and her other partner and her were struggling. She asked Al to stop talking to me. It really only lasted like a day and a half but I cried a lot, a lot more than it seems I should since we have never even met. But Al and I have a special connection and I was heart broken. We are now happily back in our LDR. We haven’t gotten the chance to talk very much lately because of all the holidays but things are still going really well.

I had my friend SexyGeek over for New Years Eve. Brewer has known we have been dating and he didn’t seem to mind her coming over. We were sitting in the garage and I had my arm around her....that was it. New Year’s Day he told me that there is no way he can do poly. We had a long in-depth conversation about our feelings and possible compromises. At the end we decided that our relationship could not continue. We are going to continue to live with each other for the time being for various personal reasons. It’s only been 2 days but I’m not really sad...more relieved. I love Brewer but I knew deep down this would happen and I’ve been spending my time worrying about it. Now I am free to be who I am, still living with him as my best friend for now, which ironically is what poly could be for us too so maybe he will come around still.

I have always been pretty flirty by nature and I am super social. Al teases me that “though love may be infinite, time is not.” Al is my only “official” partner currently. But I have been talking to Yara every day with hopes our relationship is still evolving. I have hung out with SexyGeek several times and we usually kiss and hold hands. I have Iron whom I see at least once a week and we kiss and hold hands. There is SugarDaddy (because that’s who he was to me 10 years ago) that i haven’t seen for a long time but have started to talk to quite often again and then there is Gamer who I also haven’t seen in a long time that i have been talking with a lot. And i just met someone new the other night that i don’t even know well enough to give a nickname to but he seems pretty cool as well.
 
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