New at this, thought I'd ask for some advice.

[kdt26417]

Re:

"At first I always thought I would never want kids. But the idea of being with the one you love, made me want to have kids. So the possibility is there. Perhaps in the future we may talk about it."

Sounds good. (Just get extra sleep now while you can! )

 

[WhatHappened]

I'm sorry to hear that as well, if you have any advice on that or the reason it ended, I would love to hear it.

Although you didn't address it to me, I'll answer why mine ended at the two year mark.

I believe I was lied to, not deliberately, but because he first lied to himself. (He was married, I was otherwise single.) He convinced himself he could have two equal relationships, that he could treat each of us as we deserved to be treated, that he could honor his marriage by giving priority to it, yet never treat me as second. He couldn't. Very few people can, except with the 'perfect storm' of exactly the right two people and situations and circumstances.

It became clear that she and/or they had some unspoken rules, perhaps not even clarified to themselves. Or perhaps they had and he was unwilling to tell me about them. It resulted in too many mixed messages and simple, direct questions he refused to answer--not acceptable in any relationship, and he promised me this really could be just like any other relationship, short of marriage. Refusing to say "I love you," when he clearly did, and refusing to even answer, is this a rule the two of you have?, is not like any other relationship, and not acceptable.

It became clear that I was not welcome in their home (by her) and that he was either that oblivious to her machinations, or unwilling to be disloyal to her by admitting to me that she was suffering from jealousy and insecurity. His loyalty to his wife is admirable, but it was at my expense, telling me I was imagining things and cooking up conspiracy theories--all while expecting me to accept a dating situation that would have been totally unacceptable in any other relationship. l suspect she was not being honest with him. If she was, he was not being honest with me. Either way, so much for poly honesty. Not acceptable.

Being forced to choose between the back seat of a car or forced to redefine 'privacy' to mean always having a third party in the next room is not just like any other relationship. Also unacceptable.

The problem with these situations is that one person invariably has the higher 'status' and the actual, real, tangible benefits of marriage--many of which I mentioned in my previous post. When her feelings, emotions, wants, needs, desires conflicted with mine, it became clear she would always be put first. Here's the conundrum. Will the married partner tell their spouse to deal with it, thus risking the marriage, or tell the outside relationship tough luck, thus risking that one?

I came to see that he'd take work off to save her from...drum roll...making a phone call. When I had spent two full days dealing with the after effects of a storm, on my roof sawing tree branches, losing power, preparing every meal for my children on a grill, and spending half a day trying to find any place that still had ice for sale to save the food in my freezer, (all while continuing to work two jobs) I was told, "Oh, you'll be fine, baby, just call ahead and see if they have ice." After two years, to realize I was there to give him all his wife wasn't giving him, and he didn't have time for me in an emergency...not acceptable.

He was going for Frankenship, cobbling together a complete life from two women, getting his family man image (and the wild parties they told no one about) from her, and the attention, profound conversations, interest in his work, and emotional intimacy from me that she didn't give him because she was too busy with her boyfriend...but because he was married, because she became jealous and insecure, he was unable to completely give to me in return.

This is why poly relationships so rarely last beyond five years, and usually not more than 2 or so. People need to know their partner has their back, and in poly, your partner has your back...if it doesn't conflict too much with having someone else's back.

There are one or two people on this board who have maintained two relationships for decades, apparently with happiness and contentment for all three people. So it can happen. But it's very rare. I have also seen dozens of marriages break up over the three years I've been on the board, in addition to plenty of outside relationships ending.

 

[Stevenjaguar]

That sounds so familiar. The poster who said you won't get as much of her attention as you would in a monogamous relationship is so right. And it won't be her husband, it will be her kids. As long as you're willing to be around the kids and do things with them you'll see a lot more of her.
Sharing her is something that you can't allow your feelings to get hurt if you don't get all the attention that you want. It just doesn't work that way. If you can enjoy and love her without having too many expectations, I think you'll find it to be a very rewarding experience.