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Loz

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Greetings everyone,

I am 35 years old and happily married for 8 years (in the relationship for 17) with three lovely boys. I have lived monogamously or I should say, my husband made the sacrifice to live monogamously and to get married for me despite his personal convictions. This past year he told me he is poly and wants to form multiple intense relationships -that he needs to really be himself. It came as a shock but that must be because I didn't listen carefully enough over the years. My initial reaction was severe anxiety and the replacement / not good enough narrative. I was rather needy at the time as I was pregnant. He decided to kill it inside himself but once I had the baby I got thinking and decided I can do this for him. I trust him and know he has space to keep us and introduce others. I am pretty nervous but I am coping well so far, dissolving jealousy and speaking openly about concerns. He is open about all developments and feelings he has. I have to say the richness this has brought to our relationship is wonderful. It is a true adventure but still something I have to work on on a daily basis.

I came here because I really don't think there is anyone in my life who would truly understand and not try to push me in the wrong direction. I am no victim and I have chosen this freely even if I don't have the desire to be poly myself. I want to learn to enjoy rather than proudly endure. I want polyamory to work for me which I believe it will.

Looking forward to discussing with you.

Hoping to speak to strong and inspirational people.
 
Hi Loz - I've only been here a couple of months myself - and new to poly as well, but have found everyone to be very welcoming and helpful - with lots of sound advice and good information. Like you, my spouse (wife, in my case) came to me to ask to open up the marriage - after much discussion and processing, I agreed - but really only because I determined that course would be the least disruptive option for our family (versus an ongoing battle over it). Participating in this forum and some resulting private messaging has proven to be very helpful to me in coming to terms with that decision.

Welcome!

Al
 
Greetings Loz,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You seem to have a very positive attitude, kudos for that and I think it will help you along. If you have any questions let us know, also read and post in general and you will pick up a lot of knowledge along the way.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Very new to this

Hiya, I'm very new to all of this I have a date tomorrow and last night she told me that she's polyamorous. I had to look it up, I'm not sure how I feel about it but I still want to go on this date. Our messages to one another have been filled with good banter and we have a few things in common and I do like her. I'm demisexual and so I need to create a deep emotional bond with someone, I am used to being with one person but I don't want to hold her back. I just don't know if I would become jealous etc.. Any advice and insight would be welcome.

Thank you
Aztech

P.s sorry I'm new to using forums too lol I wasn't sure how to make my own thread haha
 
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Hi Aztech,

I remember when I first came across the idea of polyamory. Before I only knew of polygamy and swinging and of course, cheating. When my husband first started talking about the idea I could only reference those lifestyles and so I needed to research. I read most of the book 'More than Two' and talked and talked and talked with him about how he sees things and wants to live. You clearly like this person and I don't think you should shut yourself off because of a possible future issue which there is no guarantee will come to pass. I say seize the day, go on the date and let it work organically. I have issues with jealousy but with open discussion and rationalisation, you can deal with it. It takes some soul searching to find out what the root of the jealousy is. What is amazing is that you will realise that, if you want to, you can process and grow in this area even if you spent your life thinking you could not cross some bridges.

Wishing you all the best
 
Thank you for the reply

Thank you for replying, I think because of the way I am and how I have been treated has caused some issues were I value myself on how my partner sees me. I have felt a few times that I wasn't good enough for someone, mainly because she would compare me to her ex all the time. I'm a genuine kind and caring person and a fall in love quickly with all my heart and my heart has always been open. I've been told many times that I'm too trusting, too honest and too open but it is who I am. I could be missing something great but I also feel that I'd wonder if the other person is better than me. It's a tough one.
 
Having a hard time

Hi All,

My husband has just ended his first proper foray into polyamory. It turned out to be seriously difficult to find someone willing to take on all of our baggage. It was an adventure and revealed how difficult people find it to communicate. His girlfriend could not take the idea of not being exclusive and not having the future fairytale options of marriage and children. He suffered which I hated to see but I helped him all the along the way, listening and helping him understand or work out her intentions. It definitely gave me some anxiety but I worked through it and he developed very strong feelings for her - that is where I am struggling. Now it is over I am having the freak out over the idea that he might develop stronger feelings for someone else. I said this but I know I made am mistake in leaving my concerns untalked about for two days because of his work needs and therefore making them grow. Now I expressed my fear but in an angry and unproductive way and instead of talking me out of it, he has decided on his own to call it off (the polyamory) because I can't handle it. I didn't want that. I want to manage this. Yes, it is very hard for me being a monogamous person but I want to persevere. I hope he will turn around.
 
Sorry to hear your husband called off the poly. Hopefully he will have a change of heart about that. He should be thankful for your efforts to endure poly.
 
I think we are back on track but I must not let things fester. I need to make sure I always air concerns or issues immediately because honestly, now I have told him all the things that bother me, I have neutralised lots of them and feel clear. I was sinking into the jealousy by keeping it to myself, you get in so deep you can't see properly. He always asks me if I am ok, every day and I need to be honest no matter what things are happening in the world of work or whatever. This wasn't the simplest of first poly relationships, not that any of them are but he developed very strong feelings and his girlfriend keep him on the hook with decision making and how much she let him in. For us, we shared everything and I felt part of it. I wanted it to succeed but I think the lady has too many issues as well as difficulties communicating what she really wants. It's funny because I should be happy it did not work out but I am disappointed and the thought of him deciding to drop the poly lifestyle makes me feel flat because I feel this is the direction our relationship is growing. There will be obstacles and it is continuous effort for me for now but I feel it is the right thing. I know we are very different but 17 years down the line, I know we can make it work and not just by him closetting his true self and desires.

The more I read, the more confident I become so I'm going to keep learning.
 
Sounds like you are hanging in there. I hope you and your husband find a compromise that works for both of you.
 
Hello,
I read your answer to CoolName, and I must say it's a really beautiful post. Are your efforts going well? Is your husband over the breakup, perhaps having other prospects already?

For the record - I think his former gf actually did well on figuring out she can't do this without the marriage prospect within just a month or two. It can be (perhaps?) even harder when it comes up further down the road.
 
Hi Tinwen,

Actually, I never updated. We managed to get her back. It is a long story but once she got proof that I was really on board she also got on board. It was complicated to get it all together but my reply to coolname is about this same girlfriend. She has realised that she has exactly what she wants with him. A song which really captures her needs is 'Something Just like This' by Coldplay and the Chainsmokers. They have been properly together for a month even though the will-she-won't-she went on from December last year. It is certainly complicated to set up the practicalities but we were all clear on what he could offer her. Who knows how things will develop? Flexibility and processing are the name of the game. He is an excellent hinge and the way he handles things suggests he was made for this setup. When hiccups occur we discuss and negotiate and he listens even when I am being irrational. Difficult does not mean bad. If you know inside that this is the right way to go, that gives you strength and tools to cope.
 
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