Greetings everyone! It’s my first time being on a board like this, in fact until 2:00 am this morning, I didn’t know there was such a place, so, many thanks to Google!
I want to begin by clarifying that I have never personally been involved in an open relationship. I’ve been in two long-term monogamous relationships that ended in divorce. My current partner and I have been together for the past five years, we share a child together, but we are not married.
My only ‘experience,’ if you can even call it that, has been the romance novels I’ve read (and find myself gravitating to), and through roleplay.
Which is, of course, not experience at all, but merely fantasy. Twilight is a fantasy, that has an uneasy poly relationship in it.
However, there is plenty of reality-based material out there. Podcasts. Websites. Books. This discussion board. FB groups. Poly groups on Fetlife.com.
I’ve asked my partner on several occasions if he would consider opening our relationship for a potential third, but he’s adamant about it, stating that he fears he would struggle with the jealousy component.
So, I’m here for me.
I want to learn more about the Poly lifestyle, the unique challenges it poses and for friendship. Thank you for having a safe place to go to.
~Wren
Welcome, Wren.
Jealousy can be worked through. But if your partner has low self esteem and a great fear of loss, it can take years, therapy, much reading, dozens of conversations, trials, aborted relationships, hurt feelings all around, etc., etc.
By the way, you wouldn't need to "add a third" to your relationship with your current partner. Whether you're attracted to men only, or are bi or pansexual, it's you that wants multiple partners. Not your bf. So, you would be adding a whole other relationship. It would change your relationship with bf greatly. But it wouldn't be adding a third
to your current relationship.
It seems you're thinking you might have to break up with bf to do this. And you're kind of OK with that. It's good you're not married, despite having a kiddo. Be true to yourself. Most of us here have had to make these hard kinds of decisions. We are pioneers. We have little social support. Polyamory is less popular or common than being gay or into BDSM. And even those issues are still loaded with controversy.
Most people new to polyamory think it's always a FMF thing. Thanks to the media that wants to sell commercials. Thanks to these romance novels you like. 2 women in bed is the top male fantasy. Having 2 bfs is also a female fantasy. Or having a bf and a gf.
FMF relationships are often rife with envy and possessiveness. It takes great finesse to manage a triad. If you find 2 well balanced confident men, and you're a good partner to both, MFM Vs can do well.
The easiest relationship to manage, with the best chance of success, is a V. You get another partner (M or F, whatever you want). Then you're the hinge or pivot, and your 2 partners (bf and new person) are the legs of the V.
They might never meet, they might meet and be polite, they might meet and like each other. It's highly unlikely they will have sex together, with you there or not.
MFM sex is fun, I do admit.
Get started educating yourself by reading reading reading.
Practice in a less threatening way by getting bf to agree to hearing who you find attractive, someone on the street, a friend, a person on TV or in a movie.
Just hearing that you can find others attractive, without freaking out, might be a major hurdle for bf.
The best book to read is called Opening Up. If bf freaks out just to see you reading it, it doesn't look good for a poly future. And that might be OK. If you need poly in your life, he might not be the right person to do it with.
You might also need therapy. Either individual or as a couple.
