New here and desperate for help

It is hard to feel secure when your partner is chasing a cowboy who has pretty much declared his intentions, no matter her stated reasons and intentions. You can hang around and hope that she gets her head in order (which she may or may not) or you can move on and leave her to do it and find you if she is still interested and you are still interested. That is pretty much the summary of your options right now.

Frankly, a woman who eagerly chases a man who cheated on his wife, is trying to "steal" another woman from her partner with high drama while ignoring creating stability for own children going through a stressful transition because of his actions..... deserves to get him and learn a lesson.
 
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Update*

Well, we went on a week long trip together. Admittedly, the beginning was strained. There was some pretty tough conversations on the 17 hour drive. Whether it's the way she said it or that it finally sunk into my thick skull, I believe I understand now where she's/they're coming from.

At the moment (now, he's entitled to evolve also), she very much loves him and he her but because he will always want more with her and can't have that, even with me out of the picture; because of her very nature. He's not poly right now, that can change. We've established a protocol should that change. Whether it does or not is irrelevant right now. What is relevant is that I cool it and let them enjoy what they do have, a loving friendship. It hurts her to be in this position where she's found someone with whom she cannot have a relationship. I feel that pain too. I also realized that this isn't about me. I've failed in being supportive so far but no more. I've seen things (odd texts, internet searches etc) and talked to people I shouldn't have that sent me down rabbit holes because I needed a direction. - None of you folks, I do appreciate all the help. As a mark of my progress over the week, I came across an internet search today "Polyamory when desire for secondary is greater than primary". It hurt seeing that but I realized, while observing (for once) my emotional reaction rather than giving into it; I was able to understand that she's undergoing a process too. It has no real reflection on me as a person but my behaviour perhaps. Honestly, I confessed to her on several occasions that I had used a tracker app to see where she was with him - to ensure she was being honest (she was). It was a cruel betrayal of trust. I have to allow for that space for her to have her processes, to explore what it is she wants and will make her happy. I know in the end it will be me that can, as for 4 years I have but I've never truly been tested until now. I love her very dearly and I want her to be happy, if that means she needs him in her life, then so be it. I think I'm on the right path now - after 4 gruelling months. I'd be happy for mpre input from you lovely people :)
 
Hey, you're doing better, that's great to hear. It sounds like your girlfriend knows what she is getting into, and is making her choice accordingly. You can show support to her while she travels this path. I'm sure there is some NRE involved ... that will go away eventually.
 
Thanks kdt! I hope this resolves or finds a comfortable level sooner than later. While my choatic influence has calmed, I fear a back and forth or lack of some level of normalness will cause issues in the near future. I am bolstered so I just hope to be supportive on my end and not contribute in any way to the chaos to come.
 
Hang in there; keep us posted.
 
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