New here, confused, conflicted, scared

[MoPoly]

hiii, Im also new into this. What does "understanding why one has those needs"? I would like to know more about exploring if I am poly or not before discussing it with my partner to avoid accidentally hurting her.

Understanding the ‘need’ to have more than one partner is being very clear about what is behind the longing or desire. Some people might use ‘becoming poly’ as a way of getting permission to experiment sexually because sex in their relationship has ceased or become unrewarding; others might be lonely because their partner doesn’t give them much attention; they might be bored… this ‘becoming poly’ to paper over the cracks in a primary relationship doesn’t improve the relationship any more than having a baby ‘saves’ it.

However, the ‘need’ can be because someone genuinely is poly. They have the capacity to love multiple people AND they’re willing to show up as a good hinge. That means they’re willing to put the time, effort, understanding and communication into having 2 or more good quality relationships.

So it’s about understanding our motives and ensuring ‘going poly’ is not just an excuse to avoid the work on an existing relationship. When this happens and the NRE hits, there’s a greater chance that the primary partner will feel neglected and it will all end in tears.

 

[hetcurious19]

Understanding the ‘need’ to have more than one partner is being very clear about what is behind the longing or desire. Some people might use ‘becoming poly’ as a way of getting permission to experiment sexually because sex in their relationship has ceased or become unrewarding; others might be lonely because their partner doesn’t give them much attention; they might be bored… this ‘becoming poly’ to paper over the cracks in a primary relationship doesn’t improve the relationship any more than having a baby ‘saves’ it.

However, the ‘need’ can be because someone genuinely is poly. They have the capacity to love multiple people AND they’re willing to show up as a good hinge. That means they’re willing to put the time, effort, understanding and communication into having 2 or more good quality relationships.

So it’s about understanding our motives and ensuring ‘going poly’ is not just an excuse to avoid the work on an existing relationship. When this happens and the NRE hits, there’s a greater chance that the primary partner will feel neglected and it will all end in tears.

Your post helps me see on what I have to focus to discover if I'm poly or not. I should journal about it.

Dumb question: Do you know about a thread here where I can find experienced people to chat about it?

Thank you for your reply and have a nice day ;P

 

[Tinwen]

Your post helps me see in what I have to focus to discover if im poly or not? I should journal about it. Dumb question: Do you know about a thread here where I can find experienced people to chat about it? Thank you for your reply and have a nice day ;P

Just read around, this is discussed a lot. Also, you can start your own thread - either in the Poly relationship corner for maximum feedback or in the Life stories and blogs section for continuity.

Some people argue that poly is a "choice", not an "orientation". IMHO very few people really "are" poly and can't be different (I reserve that for those who really don't feel the difference between "friend" and "partner" on an emotional level). But many people have the capacity to love more than one partner romantically, and it's their choice to structure their entire life in a way that allows them to exercise that option or to adhere to the monogamous structure.

Don't ask if you 'are' poly, ask if you 'want' poly.

 

[Evie]

hiii, Im also new into this. What does "understanding why one has those needs"? I would like to know more about exploring if I am poly or not before discussing it with my partner to avoid accidentally hurting her.

Well, in a therapeutic sense, it would be examining your core values and how you developed them. For example, I have a need for alone time, totally alone, no interruptions for anything less than an emergency. I protect that alone time whenever possible. It comes from my core value of autonomy and independence. I have that value because I was an only child who was also raised to function outside a relationship. I watched my parents have their own lives and hobbies outside of each other, and their own "switch off" time where they didn't want to be pestered. Their influence formed my sense of identity, which is what parenting is. They were good parents and I wasn't neglected, I was just encouraged to be independent (age appropriate). I understand that need and I communicate it to my partners.

In general, people have needs in relationships. They may not know where these needs come from and if it can be updated or met in a way they haven't previously considered. Especially if the need is phrased, "I need you to..." Why? Why do you need me to do x? Have you considered that doing y would also meet that need? Or perhaps that need is disguising a more core need and you'll find that x is a mere bandaid.

 

[hetcurious19]

Well, in a therapeutic sense, it would be examining your core values and how you developed them. For example, I have a need for alone time, totally alone, no interruptions for anything less than an emergency. I protect that alone time whenever possible. It comes from my core value of autonomy and independence. I have that value because I was an only child who was also raised to function outside a relationship. I watched my parents have their own lives and hobbies outside of each other, and their own "switch off" time where they didn't want to be pestered. Their influence formed my sense of identity, which is what parenting is. They were good parents and I wasn't neglected, I was just encouraged to be independent (age appropriate). I understand that need and I communicate it to my partners.

In general, people have needs in relationships. They may not know where these needs come from and if it can be updated or met in a way they haven't previously considered. Especially if the need is phrased, "I need you to..." Why? Why do you need me to do x? Have you considered that doing y would also meet that need? Or perhaps that need is disguising a more core need and you'll find that x is a mere bandaid.

This is a great way to put it, and I can write it on my journal about it , thank you very much!