New in Oklahoma

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SoonerPhil71

New member
Well, let's see, where to start? I am a noob on the forum (and to the concept) from the great state of Oklahoma. I was married for many years and life just took over. We separated and I have been focusing on my kids.

Long story short, I was very recently in a relationship with a woman who is bisexual and she wanted to have an "open" relationship. She has friends who are swingers and wanted to explore that avenue. Again, for brevity, I became a little too clingy and I think I ruined the whole deal. She left me without explanation or even a goodbye and I'm still trying to sort out those feelings.

I'm here because, in my relationship with her, I discovered that the whole idea of polyamory was perfectly suited for me. I want a "home base" type relationship, but want us to both be free to bring others into the relationship and perhaps the bedroom from time to time. Yes, I know, many are probably thinking, "PERVERT!" Think it if you want, I am past caring.

There were aspects of my last relationship that bled over into the kink side of things and while I was new to all that, I was willing to give it a try as well. I am not going to dissect that relationship here. That's for me to do on my own time. However, I do want to meet like-minded people and hopefully, build a fulfilling relationship that can meet everyone's social and other needs. Being with her was my first foray into this, as I have been fighting it back for years. Thought she was my dream girl, but maybe she was just here to show me that I needed to open up. No matter, here I am and here I hope to stay and learn.

I'm not exactly "looking" for another girl. I do get along more with women than men, but until I work past these feelings about my last relationship, I don't want to fall too hard for another. Make sense? Feel free to holler at me, offer advice, whatever you feel may be helpful. I prefer just an honest friendship, though. :)
 
Greetings SoonerPhil71,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You described your situation well, I hope you'll find like-minded friends here and I think you will. If you have any questions let us know, we'll try to answer. I'm glad you could join us.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Thanks, Kevin.

I have seen several on here refer to fetlife and suggest that. I want to add that I am not on fetlife because I do not want to risk running into her. I do not know that it would even happen, but that is my stance at the moment. I want to respect her space and I fear that running into her, even casually, would appear that I was doing so intentionally. So, for the time being, fetlife is not for me. Anything else you folks may want to throw at me, I'm listening.
 
Hi,

What you went through sounds awful. You haven't said it here, but losing a relationship without even an explanation or a goodbye... things must have been tough. I'm sorry to hear that.

You sound like you still care a lot for her. You seem to be avoiding fetlife for her comfort. If you feel fetlife is your way forward, perhaps a brief message to her to clarify your situation and that you feel this is your best path forward so she doesn't misunderstand? Just don't think you should feel you need to go out of your way to make life comfortable for her. I don't mean your ex any disrespect, I really don't even know her. I just wanted to make sure you're looking out for yourself still, because I feel this is a very difficult time for you.

Of course, you may just want to slow down relationshipping and take a breather.

Good luck,
Shaya.
 
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Thanks for the reply and the compassion, Shaya. I avoid it for her comfort and for my sanity. We were best friends, or so I thought, for years and then boom! I get dropped like a hot rock. Yes, I care for her but this type of treatment cannot be acceptable in any manner. I have put it behind me but will inevitably remember it forever.

As for contacting her, due to circumstances that cannot happen. I just move on. It isn't about being more comfortable for her as much as it is to avoid the image of a man who can't let go. She isn't going to determine what I do, but I will be damned if I give her the satisfaction of thinking I still want her. So, in those terms, I will avoid it for now. Perhaps in time, I will change that, but for now, I don't want to chance it.

On the "relationshipping" I am definitely taking a breather. This one hit me hard and I don't want to make anyone else pay for the sins of others. I am over it but still struggle with trust. That is something that the next person will have to understand and allow me to gain that trust as time goes by.
 
Went ahead and pulled the trigger

OK, I took a look at Fetlife and based on what I could see, there is little chance of running into "her" unless I try. That isn't going to happen. However, I have no friends on there, so if anyone feels so inclined, add me or send a request or however, it works on there. :)
 
Hey Sooner,

You can easily find me on FetLife, I have the same username there, kdt26417. Send me a friend request. :)

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I'll probably log onto FetLife later today; if not, then later this week. Just so you know what to expect.
 
Hiya, SoonerPhil71!

Do you know if "she" was active in any actual kink community stuff in your area? Like did she go to meetups, parties, or groups in person?

If she didn't, then you don't have a lot to worry about. If she did, then be careful with fetlife. Many of us use it as our online network to coordinate our real life kink community associations. Real life kink communities, at least the one here and some others I know of, are insular and everyone knows everyone...your odds of encountering her, or friends of hers, increase.

That said. If she is NOT (as far as you know) involved in an in-person community, then you should use fetlife not so much like a dating site, but to find a community and join it. Because they can be great, and you're likely to meet many interesting poly and kinky people that way. Look at the "Events" link at the top of the screen in fetlife, and see what's going on near you. Munches are usually the way to get your foot in the door.

Oh, and don't worry about being judged as a pervert here. Liking sex isn't a crime. Wanting it with more than one partner, well...that would be many of us on this forum, by nature, so... And a number of us are kinky here. I'm a devoted masochist to my Zen Sadist. Welcome!
 
Woo-hoo! Request accepted.
 
Thanks for the concern and advice, Spork. She is in Michigan so there isn't much chance of me running into her locally. I tried to search for her, just to kind of check and didn't find her, so it's all good. Thanks for the advice on the events, too.
 
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