New interests & disclosure

O

Open4love

Member
Hi again, everyone. Karen and I are making progress towards understanding each other's needs and how to meet them. There are still plenty of bumps in th road, but less walls it seems. Yay for communication! ;)

Anyway, there is still this "other woman" issue between us, and more and more layers are being revealed. I'm seeing more clearly that she wants more "say" over what kind of behaviors I engage in with other women, not just to speak her feelings but to actually affect the outcome. This is not okay with me. I do not want to seek permission from my partner; I just want to know how they feel. And I don't want my actions to hold such profound implications to my partner -- i.e. "You saw her even though you knew I didn't like it. You chose her over our relationship!" She insists that she is sharing her feelings, but because I still see other women, I am not "considering" her. With this in mind, I have trouble hearing some of her feedback and acknowledging it as something I need to do. So I thought I'd see what you all thought. Her recent feedback has to with disclosure.

She has stated that I should be informing anybody I get involved with that she is uncomfortable with me dating other women. I do believe in transparency to a certain extent, but my concern is that this another ploy for her to control the outcome. I feel trapped. On the one hand, I want to be honest with everyone possible. On the other, I want to connect with people on my terms, not Karen's. And I don't want to bring baggage from our relationship to new pursuits (most of which are light, casual sexual encounters). My fear is that telling new interests that I have a partner who does not like the fact that I am seeing them will scare them away. Or, if they still want to connect with me, my fear is then that Karen will have all the more reason to disapprove of them and see them as someone who also doesn't "consider" her.

I'm stuck. I love this woman. But I also want to be intimate with others. How much disclosure is necessary, in your opinions? And what can I do to support Karen even though she is attacking my choices and being emotionally reactive? How do I know whether to hold her, or to go on my date even though she's not okay? :confused:
 
It sounds to me from reading your other posts plus this one that she just plain isn't ok with you being with other women and never will be. She's trying to force herself to be OK in order to please you. Unfortunately trying to force something like that will never work. Which leaves you guys some hard choices to make. :(
 
Thanks, Emmy. You may be right. She has said that her discomfort with other women is something she wants to work on. It's just hard to support her when the finger is pointed at me for causing that discomfort. I don't know if she will ever be okay with me seeing other women. I want to give it a chance. But maybe that's too hopeful.
 
This is woman who is going to sour any additional relationship you have with another woman.

You have two feasible options stay in a mono relationship with Karen. Or end the relationship.
 
To be honest, I have definitely contemplated making similar type threats as Karen has made. While certainly I want my hubby to be happy and therefore, I try to accept his poly lifestyle, it would be so much easier for me if he did not have another woman in his life. I have wondered whether or not I had the power to make him give up poly. Would the thought of losing me cause him to give me what I want? Should I try this approach before putting in the painstaking work to accept that he needs and wants other women, fully knowing that if the threats didn't work I would have to find a way because I will stay with him regardless? Possibly Karen is wondering the same thing and wants to see how committed you are to being poly and trying to determine if there is an easier road. My suggestion is that you are brutally honest with her. If you are fully and totally committed to a poly lifestyle with or without her, make sure she knows that. Let her know there is no other option for you and that you want her along for the ride, but if she can't take the ride with you that you will have to part ways. Maybe that will be the wake up call she needs to ease up on the control.
 
Thanks for the responses. I hope you're not right, Dagferi. Karen and I are really working on this, but it might be core differences in relationship styles that is at play here, not just things to work on.

I like your honesty, LovelyLady. You sound very similar to Karen when she is at her most vulnerable with this whole situation. It's hard for her admit that it's really hard work and that she'd rather take the easy road of emotional manipulation to convince me of what I should do than learn to accept or even appreciate my desires. But this stuff is especially hard for her when she is stressed, and I think that is ultimately what is behind a lot of her struggles -- stress and anxiety. If it wasn't about me, it'd be about something else. Her mind is her own worst enemy at times, and she will often agree with that once she's not in her emotional state.

But, yes, I have reiterated quite frequently that I am poly and not intending on curbing my desires to date other people. I feel bad in some ways because she has to come more towards my ways than I towards hers if the relationship is to be preserved. :-/
 
Thanks, nycindie. Simple words, and a very good reminder. But some of what I do are things that I need to work on, too, like better disclosure even when I know she is going to react strongly. That's where some of her discomfort is coming from, and it is something I am working on -- that brutal honesty piece can be hard for me since I am afraid she will feel hurt or blow up about it.
 
Hurt and anger are good ways to kill communication. Hurt and anger are good ways of not dealing with a situation.

There is absolutely nothing wrong in Karen desiring monogamy and you desiring polyamory, but it would behoove you both to quit trying to coerce the other into being something you're not. A lot of the pain you are both experiencing is due to this constant battle in trying to make the other heel to your viewpoint / relationship style.

I apologize in that I am not familiar with your back story, but it seems like you are simply making one another miserable.
 
Thanks, bookbug. You're right that emotions tend to hinder clear communication between us. But we have both softened enough around how we'd like the other to be that there is a chance things will work with us. I've learned to tolerate her emotional reactions and give her space without taking it personally. She's learning to tolerate my desires and not take it personally. Both of us are choosing to work on ourselves in this regard. If she truly identified as mono, the relationship would have been over long ago. She considers herself poly. She's just slower at acquiring lovers than I am.
 
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