New(ish) and seeking some advice

[JP1977]

Hi everyone,

My wife and I have been married for 22+ years. We fantasized for most of that time and started swinging a little over a year ago. We both started going on solo dates earlier this year with good success. We've both had some really good connections.

One of mine has turned fairly regular, as in about twice per month. We do have a special connection, but I hadn't really considered myself poly.

Overall, my marriage and this open/swinging lifestyle have been very positive. But lately, this week and today, my wife has expressed anger, jealousy, and frustration at the change in our relationship. She's generally very secure and the more dominant one in our relationship. She's made statements to the effect of, "You are poly and I am a swinger. I have to figure out how to navigate what I do while you are poly."

I realize I probably do lean more poly, and she's more of a notch above the bedpost checker. She has expressed that she will open herself up more to the guys she plays with. I am 100% supportive of that.

I guess my questions relate to how to effectively communicate while she's mourning the idea of our past relationship and how things are now. I don't wish to negate her feelings, or either of our needs. I think there are different things we both want, but there's a huge crossover and intersection of those needs, too.

I want to still see my secondary/play partner and am not looking to add too much more beyond what I'm managing currently. She is also playing solo, but I think looks at it less like dating and more like playing, where my view is a little different.

I come from a very anxious and avoidant attachment style. I work with a therapist weekly to really be able to lean into better and clearer communication, and also to ensure that I don't make catastrophic assumptions every time there's a disagreement or tension in our relationship.

How have you all effectively been able to communicate and manage emotions and expectations when partners have differing needs and views of what an open relationship looks like? I really feel like there is an ability to have common ground and process in a loving and encouraging way.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi JP,

I moved your thread to a different section so you will get more individual feedback. Welcome.

It is probably almost universal that newly-open couples, and even people established in ENM, will have slightly different views of how they do it and what they want to get out of it. The trick is to allow for these individual differences. It's quite possible to do that. Also, it is possible that over time, your (plural) views will evolve and you'll get more on the same page.

I'm glad you're in therapy for self-awareness. Is your wife in therapy too?

You are right, communication is key. It's the number one most important thing in polyamory. It's needed in any relationship, but one can't do poly/ENM successfully without it.

To better understand the differences between swinging and poly, and move forward with the least amount of stress and pain, I'd recommend getting the book Opening Up. It's full of tips taken from real-life experiences, of how to negotiate a healthy open relationship, and multiple relationships.

There are other good and newer books, such as Polysecure and Designer Relationships, that are often recommended.

Your wife is feeling fear about your deepening relationship with your gf? You only see her once a month, but I figure you spend time texting/phoning to keep connected between dates? Do these calls interfere with quality time with your wife? Is your wife feeling fear, loss and grief? We all have to mourn the end of the old relationship shape before we can fully enjoy the new shape.

Do you date your wife, consciously? You should plan romantic dates, dinners out, little trips, activities you both enjoy. Most of us do this in the early stages of a relationship, but tend to slack off when we get settled with someone. Since you're both "playing solo," and have a good degree of independence, it's important to come together consciously as well, to keep connected, to feel the joy in each other's company while having new positive experiences. This can be very reassuring, especially if we are deep in NRE with a new person.

 

[JP1977]

Thank you for your response. It’s interesting to me because I largely feel like we were on the same page. I’ve been slightly ahead of her in terms of frequency of dates but only because of her having some work related demands and a few of her guys having to shuffle around plans. She’s never been the jealous type or expressed that much but lately it came up a few times.

My gf and I are together 1-2 times per month and our communication is very brief in between. Maybe one or two phone calls and texts every couple of days. I honestly don’t feel I’m full-on poly, yet my wife does. I think it’s difference in opinion on definition. Nonetheless, I suppose I would consider myself more poly leaning since I do truly value connection and relationship in these scenarios.

I do think the good thing for us too is we’ve been very conscious and intentional around scheduling dates with ourselves and doing things together that are special for us, more so than we ever have. That’s why I was a little surprised at her reactions lately. But I suppose we all get into negative headspace from time to time.

I feel another shift is away from unconscious codependency. I’ve always had a more anxious and avoidant attachment style, ripe for codependent behavior. I’ve not seen that as much from her, but the lightbulb went off in my mind yesterday. She mentioned finding and giving herself happiness instead of looking for it from me. I realized what her codependent tendencies are now. I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with it. Correct me if I’m wrong, because this is new to me, but I feel like over time a lot of these codependent habits and behaviors have to melt away or change as one grows in an open relationship.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello JP1977,

For communication, you might want to do some research on NVC. For insight on what it really means to be open, you might want to read the book "Opening Up," by Tristan Taormino. I think it's important to recognize that you both don't have to practice the same kind of open. She can go out and play, while you nurture emotional relationships. You can do this because the two of you are not joined at the hip.

FWIW, I think you are on the right track.
Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[JP1977]

Thank you Kevin, I appreciate the kind words and advice. I agree and I think we are both learning what open means to us. Some of the communication had been triggering for both of us at times when tension would arise. I think when we decided to start swinging we had a unified idea of what that looked like. Overall we were in alignment on that. I get a little triggered when she uses blanket statements such as "I'm a swinger/open and you are poly". The past few days I've responded with kindness and gentleness and tried to explain my view of this as being on a spectrum but also an orientation. I have someone I'd consider a girlfriend, so yes poly in that aspect with a very meaningful connection. On the other hand I have some casual play partners and that leans more to the open/swinging side. I am totally okay with that. It's just new for us and having open honest communication without feeling triggered or fearful is new for me too(grew up in a house where communication like this was not valued). On the other hand I really think that she is going in the same direction but some of her play partners are either new and they are feeling their way out and some haven't panned out into as routine as she would have liked i.e. guys getting flaky on plans, etc. I think I'm just a few steps ahead based on getting lucky with a really fun and connected play partner that I like to see often. But even if she doesn't do it my way I understand it's both of our journey's individually and as a couple. It's heavy work but I know completely worth it.

 

[kdt26417]

I think you both may transition into something relatively poly -- not completely poly, but relatively. It really is worth it, in spite of all the work involved. Sometimes what begins as a play partner, evolves into something more.

 

[Albert Ross]

Correct me if I’m wrong, because this is new to me, but I feel like over time a lot of these codependent habits and behaviors have to melt away or change as one grows in an open relationship.

The only thing I'd correct in this statement is replacing "codependency" with, let's say... "entanglement", maybe?

Codependency is, I believe, a specific structure in which A is dependent on B, and B (consciously or not) behaves in a way that reinforces A's dependency. That reinforcement is what makes it such a damaging pattern. You and your wife probably aren't codependent (though I don't actually know you, so your assessment is obviously what counts here!)—but after 22+ years you probably are highly entangled, in the sense of being each other's primary emotional support, for example.

That entanglement is something people need to deal with, and deal with deliberately, when opening their relationship. There's a popular article about this: The Most Skipped Step When Opening a Relationship

Hopefully that reframing is helpful.