New-ish to Open/Poly, and My First Relationship

[atalanta]

Are you basing your self esteem on your "being there for people" because you have unresolved abandonment issues from the past?

You believe people in your past ditched you because you stink or something?

So now you bend over backwards overdoing things to prove to yourself to new people how valuable a person you are? And that you don't stink?

It's almost like you hang around for Oscar scraps hoping he will validate you so you can hold yourself in high esteem.

But this kinda of behavior is not dignified or self respecting.

• You go chasing around a dude you has TOLD you that he does not want to be your BF.

• When he gets kinda fresh and touches you in non-friend ways you do not call him into account and tell him to stop touching you like that.

And then you sign up to do more work -- like driving him to the airport or listening to his problems.

I am concerned you are becoming Oscar's emotional dumpster. Where he unloads all his crap so he can feel better. And you end up feeling all yucky.


And like you hope if you do this service enough he will finally come to appreciate or respect you and value you. When really he just uses you. Tosses a few crumbs to keep you on the string once in a while.

This doesn't sound like very "friendly" dynamic to me. It sounds like sunk cost fallacy.

Galagirl

More than likely it will please you to know that this will probably be my last note on this, since replies to me have taken on an antagonistic and judgemental tone.

"You believe people in your past ditched you because you stink or something?"

I don't know for certain why they did, but I am of the opinion it was because THEY stink, not me.

My experiences being abandoned have taught me that I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be the person who is a fair-weather friend, who only cares if you require nearly zero energy, but anything over that means I'm not worth your time. I have had some great experiences and friendships with people who I have gone through difficulties with, or conflict; sometimes we grow and learn together. It has to do with my self esteem in as much as I have to look in the mirror every day and see my face. Responsibility for one's life relies with them but we are all fallible, we all battle demons that few know about, and I don't feel like ditching someone as they face one of them is necessarily the right thing to do.

Sure it's a valid point to make - 'how much energy is too much too invest?' and 'when do I become a punching bag?'. But those questions are a far more productive than,

"So now you bend over backwards overdoing things to prove to yourself to new people how valuable a person you are? And that you don't stink?

It's almost like you hang around for Oscar scraps hoping he will validate you so you can hold yourself in high esteem. "

Or the horribly rude and mean:
"Yah, I could agree with that, though my first though was of a reverse White Knight where she is saving him from various perils & thus NEEDS such perils to continue."

FFS, how is it even possible I could perpetuate the 'perils' of the results of his marriage, when I wasn't even part of it? Who would accuse someone of such a nasty thing, especially when the only knowledge you have of me is 6 (?) posts? I can't even believe I read that. I would never presume someone to be that destructive without detailed knowledge!

 

[GalaGirl]

My apologies. I am not trying to be antagonistic. I am truly trying to understand where you are coming from and wrap my own head around this:

I need to work on wrapping my head around, 'not being there for him doesn't make me a terrible person who isn't loyal'. =|

But I just could not think of how to best ask because it is foreign to me. Not being there for him right now because you have to attend to your own health and things first.... how is that being disloyal or terrible?

I don't get it.

My world view is that if everyone put their own oxygen mask on first, then everyone at least gets that much done. Then they can help others without running out of air. Self care is not an optional thing to me. It is necessary. And my practicing self care? I don't view this as being disloyal to other people in my life. Or being a terrible person.

I'm trying to understand your worldview.

Sure it's a valid point to make - 'how much energy is too much too invest?' and 'when do I become a punching bag?'. But those questions are a far more productive than,

You phrase it much better than I could in the moment.

That was where my intention was trying to go. To ask you...

• How you do you when it's no longer worth the return on your investment? Are you at that point?
  
• How do you know when you are becoming someone's punching bag? Are you at that point?

I do agree with you that if someone is a fair weather friend? That's poor behavior. I am sorry this happened to you in the past. It's not kind.

Where I struggle to understand is... if you observe Oscar giving mixed messages and you fear he might pull the same "fair weather friend" thing? Why keep engaging with him at this time rather than tell him you prefer to take a break, give him space to get himself sorted and so he can stop giving worrisome mixed signals, give you time for your crush feelings to calm down some, and try sharing friendship later on when all this other stuff has been cleared up on both sides?

Galagirl, you said: "Both people being healthy and fit helps increase the odds of success later. I don't think you have that right now with this combo." Yes, you're right! And however we got here, neither of us are in a completely healthy state. He thought he was more healed, I thought he was ready for a 'real relationship' and when he realised he wasn't whole and decided to split, I wasn't really prepared for that because of the confusion around the whole thing.

You seem to agree that at this time you guys are not a healthy combo at this time. So investing in the time to get healthy could help here.

So that's where I get confused. Why would each of you working to get healthier be terrible? How is giving each other the time and space to do that in disloyal?

You can be a solid friend to people. And not want to deal with mixed messages stuff at this time and want to let your feelings calm down some. That's not abandoning him or being disloyal or terrible.

That's you having some personal limits and having some things to attend to first. That there's some stuff you are not willing or not able to do at this time. Could take a time out. Then try building friendship again later because at THAT point in time you might have become more willing and more able to do it THEN.

What I am trying to say is that it's ok to do that. Say "No, not at this time. I have stuff to take care of first and so you do. Stuff that has to happen before we try anything else." And saying that doesn't make you a bad person or bad friend.


Galagirl