New-ish to polyamory. Struggling harder than usual.

R

raz0rf0x

New member
I'm married, been with my wife for five years and everything is reasonably well there. I've also been seeing a woman in a long distance capacity since late last year who I have been getting along with amazingly.
We haven't been able to meet due to her schooling and my work but the relationship has grown quite deep and were working out how to spend some time together and tentatively talking about moving her closer to me.
Things were going great, and I had no problem with her dating until she started lying about it. It happened twice and the first time I let it go, and it didn't last. The second time, when I found out about it, I told her that I wouldn't make her leave him, but it was going to put a serious strain on our relationship. She opted to leave him and focus on getting our relationship back on track.
Well, it's been about a month and she's met another guy, which I'd normally be fine with, but I'm still recovering from being hurt. She did everything right this time. We always lay each other know if we meet some one and of it gets serious... And she went back to being up front about things. Just like we were when everything was perfect.
But this time I'm just riddled with anxiety.
We've fallen for each other quite hard and have been talking about something very long term and introducing her to my wife... But.. This long distance, the frustration of having to watch her be with someone else while we struggle to be together, the anxiety of whether this partner is going to change our plans for the future...
Being poly and remote is starting to really hurt. She knows how badly I'm struggling and simply cannot move right now. I have evening a man cOuld want right here at home and I feel selfish for becoming so dissatisfied with my life over this one thing.
I would have (very painfully and reluctantly) withdrawn from this relationship if she didn't adamantly profess her intention of doing everything she can to make this easier and to move as soon as she can. She's even offered to leave this new guy if it's upsetting me too much (which I refused, that's simply unfair).

I need help. Maybe advice. But honestly.. I just want to feel okay again. The past couple of months have been an emotional roller coaster and its starting to affect my marriage too.
Can anyone possibly help point me in the right direction? I'm just not dealing anymore.
 
I think you just need to suck this one up. You aren't physically there for her. You get to go to bed every night wrapped up next to a warm body, have someone to be intimate with, to share getting groceries with, to do the laundry with, to bitch about how hard your day was with, to share a meal with.... Your girlfriend gets none of that. You obviously miss her, but instead of turning that inwards and feeling jealous that someone else gets to do all the things you want to do with her, why not plan when one of you can go visit? That way you will at least have a date to look forward to together. But in the meantime, let her have fun and enjoy herself. It no doubt sucks more being in her shoes. While you're at it, why not focus on spending some quality time with your wife? It comes across in what you wrote like you are all wrapped up in distance-girl and not being very present in your marriage. Rather than preoccupying yourself with a long-distance fantasy, why not enjoy what you have at hand more immediately? It's hard to feel envious and crappy about someone having fun when you're also having fun.
 
Let me see if I understand. You are in long distance relationship with a woman who you have not yet met in person. You've been involved with her for a year or less. She dates people in person near her but doesn't tell you about them or lies about dating other people? It rather comes across to me like you are not truly ok with her dating anyone else but you. Is that accurate? Or is the problem that she is lying about seeing other folks while she is involved with you? Or both?

If you haven't met her yet in person, then all this seems horribly premature. I get that you have strong feelings. But you have not met each other in real life yet. Physical compatibility is a real thing. I've met lovely people and had stirring, deep, emotional conversations and connected with them online. And when we met - zip in person compatibility. This happens. Why in the world would you pressure someone you haven't met yet to move nearby? To uproot her life just to see if you two are truly compatible? I know people can and do start real relationships online but until you two meet in person and interact in person for some time, it is impossibly to know if you are truly compatible. I get trying to work out a way to meet each other. I totally get taking that risk to see what's possible.

Yes, she should have been upfront with you about dating other people. No question. That is not a good sign. Some people are not ready for the honesty and self-reflection that healthy relationships require. But you come across as being rather possessive of someone *you haven't met yet in person*. Perhaps that is not an accurate presentation of the situation. I hope so. But if you come across this way via the intertubes, I understand her hesitation to tell you she was seeing other people. I am glad she seems to not do that anymore.

Managing fears - of being rejected, of being replaced - and managing envy - he's there and I'm not - are critical to any relationship. Managing those fears is up to you. Her job is to be honest with you from now on. She has to face the fear that what she is doing might hurt you. You have to be willing to accept that pain so you can hear what is truly going on with her. Long distance is just hard. Poly is hard. And doing both at the same time is extra levels of difficulty tough. I get that you just want to not be in pain. However, I'm telling you it is necessary to experience that pain, to learn to cope with it, so you can get to the point where your fears and envy are not causing you pain. Not because you don't feel them - that's unlikely - but because you know how to manage them.

Good luck.
 
tenK said:
I think you just need to suck this one up.
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Oh, absolutely. I totally agree. And that's the way things were in the beginning. It was just the brief "cheating" and lying that caused the hiccup. I'm actually very happy and relieved that she has someone there.

I get it. She's a free lover and lets relationships happen, I'm more selective because I like to focus on those important to me do I give them the attention they deserve. I'm not a casual relationship/sex guy. I'm just not interested in flings or hypergamy.

I was just hoping for more time to recover my trust.

You are absolutely right, however. I have obsessed so much on keeping that relationship healthy I've lost sight of the wonderful one I have right here. I often sin in taking thugs for granted and I must fix that. Thank you for reminding me of that.

I know I'm going to oscillate in my "okay-ness"... So I'm still looking for advice in mitigating my more basic impulses that cause me anxiety. This is also the first meaningful long distance one I've had... So.. In that I guess I'm a bit of a newbie. :3
 
opalescent said:
. But you come across as being rather possessive of someone *you haven't met yet in person*. Perhaps that is not an accurate presentation of the situation. I hope so. But if you come across this way via the intertubes, I understand her hesitation to tell you she was seeing other people. I am glad she seems to not do that anymore.
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Oh, in that regard. Yes.. I'm "protective", and she thought it was sweet. :p If she had been like that from the beginning, I would have reacted differently. She didn't use to, then suddenly started. It was the sudden change in behavior that threw me off and made me uneasy.
But it did, apparently, come down to her being afraid of my reaction, even though I had never given her any reason to before. In fact, she used to go over her "hopefuls" with me looking for my input. I had even spoken to couple of them and had very cordial relationships with them.
 
opalescent said:
sure someone you haven't met yet to move nearby? To uproot her life just to see if you two are truly compatible? I know people can and do start real relationships online but until you two meet in person and interact in person for some time, it is impossibly to know if you are truly compatible. I get trying to work out a way to meet each other. I totally get taking that risk to see what's possible.
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I glossed over some details:
First off: yes, we're working on meeting once finances and schedules allow.
Second: She's moving to my area for several reasons. In fact, we met BECAUSE she was considering moving to my area for career reasons and because she loves the area. Our relationship sort of became a lynch pin in that decision, but not the main motivating reason. To be honest... I only really let the relationship progress because that seemed to become a sure thing.

I'll react to you point about the way I seem to be behaving:
I got a trust thing. One of the ways I cope with insecurity is by relying on trust. Perhaps I put too much reliance on that? Am I being simple minded by doing that?
It's not the dating that's bothering me, it's my difficulty in readily trusting someone who lied to me. That's my issue to sort out, I understand. And honestly, I'm sure I should be taking her present behavior as a good sign that I can rely on that trust again.
 
I think you and her need to have a heart to heart where you explain that you need 100% honestly and want disclosure when she starts seeing someone new. And you We to let her know you support her having other partners and that she doesn't need to hide things to spare your feelings. Long distance relationships are tough, I was in one and every time he didn't answer his phone in was worried he'd dump me for someone local so I get that it adds another layer of insecurity.
 
HappilyFallenAngel said:
Just clarifying: You're talking about a woman with whom you've been in a year long relationship and have not yet met in person?
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Closer to seven or eight months, but yes. There were hiccups in the plans. She lost her job, then my wife became ill and I needed to focus on her until she was better. Priorities, right?
 
Really the only one who can answer "What can I do to be less anxious around someone I do not trust or know very well? How do I want to handle it? " is you.

If you choosing to date an LDR person for the last 7-8 mos...

  • who you have never met
  • who has lied in the near past
  • who has not made amends (?)
  • is dating a local, who she may decide to invest more in because they are local

... results in anxious feelings for you because you do not feel emotionally safe? You could stop the behavior. Stop dating LDR. See if you start to feel better in time. NRE wears off in 6 mos - 24 mos. Maybe it is some of that too -- the realities and limitations of the relationship setting in.

If it were me? Normal LDR conditions I hate already. Wonky LDR ones with lies/trust issues are even more ugh to me. I'd break up and tell her to look me up after she's moved. We could think about starting a local relationship at THAT point in time if if it comes to pass and if it's still wanted by both parties. See if the lies/trust thing is even repairable.

It's too easy to put on a fake persona LDR over phone, internet, etc. I rather vet a person in real life and see what character I'm getting here. If she develops a local tie and changes her mind about moving -- that's her choice to make. But I don't want to be waiting on pins and needles on my end. I want to be living my life too.

I'd rather be decisive now, so I could be free FROM the LDR weirdness now. I can then be free TO heal and live with less ugh in my present. Deal with near future if/when it comes and she's actually moved. See what's what then.

I need help. Maybe advice. But honestly.. I just want to feel okay again. The past couple of months have been an emotional roller coaster and its starting to affect my marriage too.
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When all choices stink, I pick the least stinky. And if LDR feels stinky and breaking up is stinky -- I rather break up because that's less stinky to me and gets me OFF the emotional roller coaster.

I rather linger in the healing place than in the roller coaster place.

My 2 cents,
Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
I can then be free TO heal and live with less ugh in my present.

Galagirl
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I totally hear you. I know I'm being stubborn and a little stupid here. I've ended relationships for less because I can't let externalities affect my marriage. I have a wife, kids, dogs, a mortgage... All that grown up stuff. And I'm very protective of that. My partners have all been very respectful and understanding of that. I'm pretty up front that caring for the homestead is priority. For some stupid reason, this time I'm starting to break my own rules.

This one got a hold on me that I hadn't expected or prepared for and honestly, I'm on the verge of pulling my chute.
I've never had a problem with this before, But this one is different. I wish I understood why.
 
For some stupid reason, this time I'm starting to break my own rules.
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That doesn't sound good. You could listen your values rather than stray from them.

This one got a hold on me that I hadn't expected or prepared for and honestly, I'm on the verge of pulling my chute.
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What does that mean? You are super frustrated and have decided you are going to bail on this relationship?

I've never had a problem with this before, But this one is different. I wish I understood why.
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Could take it off the burner then so you are not feeling so discombobulated and boiling over. First things first.

Could worry about sorting out the WHY later when cooler headed.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
What does that mean? Pulling your chute? You are super frustrated and going to bail on this?

Galagirl
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Yes, that I should bail on this before I get too lost in this.

Edit: You know.. "frustrated" doesn't feel like the right word. Although it's probably technically accurate.
What I feel is just uncertainty and I'm having trouble reeling in my emotions. I haven't have this much trouble before so that's why I'm sorta in crisis.
 
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raz0rf0x said:
.....I have a wife, kids, dogs, a mortgage... All that grown up stuff. And I'm very protective of that. My partners have all been very respectful and understanding of that. I'm pretty up front that caring for the homestead is priority. For some stupid reason, this time I'm starting to break my own rules.......I've never had a problem with this before, But this one is different. I wish I understood why.
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Of course, nobody can say why but you, but consider the possibility that deep down you are starting to know that such a rigid, protective stance doesn't allow for the expansive joy that love can bring. Being on guard against "too many feelings" is based on the fear that love is a limited resource and it seems that life is calling you to recognize that this is not so. It's not love that can storm the gates and ransack your home, it's the resistance and struggle with love that hurts and can bring damage. Your dam against the fear of feelings is what starts the chain of pain. Turning away from a fear based perspective and allowing the expansive, joyful feeling of love to flow brings tremendous relief and well, lets love flow - to everyone. You needn't have a conversation with anyone in order to adopt a new way of looking and this situation and thus begin to change it for everyone for the better. Just looking at this from an inclusive standpoint will feel much better and will take the pressure off. This doesn't have to be an "either/or" situation. Your internal struggle to put reigns on love is what's causing you so much pain, not the love itself.
 
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HappilyFallenAngel said:
Of course, nobody can say why but you, but consider the possibility that deep down you are starting to know that such a rigid, protective stance doesn't allow for the expansive joy that love can bring. Being on guard against "too many feelings" is based on the fear that love is a limited resource and it seems that life is calling you to recognize that this is not so. It's not love that can storm the gates and ransack your home, it's the resistance and struggle with love that hurts and can bring damage. Your dam against the fear of feelings is what starts the chain of pain. Turning away from a fear based perspective and allowing the expansive, joyful feeling of love to flow brings tremendous relief and well, lets love flow - to everyone. You needn't have a conversation with anyone in order to adopt a new way of looking and this situation and thus begin to change it for everyone for the better. Just looking at this from an inclusive standpoint will feel much better and will take the pressure off. This doesn't have to be an "either/or" situation. Your internal struggle to put reigns on love is what's causing you so much pain, not the love itself.
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I believe I understand the gist of what you're saying. I guess I do have a fear-based perspective often. I'm not really much of a pessimist, I don't think, but when it comes to emotions I am often preoccupied with the fear of loss. You're right, it does begin a chain of anxiety that causes me to act out in ways that work against my interests.
I stated that I am "new-ish". by this I meant that I had multiple partners in the past but I never got very invested in any of them. Since then I've matured a bit, got treated for chronic depression, and met my wife who taught and inspired me to care about people. It's turned out to be a wonderful thing and because of it I have more friends now than I've ever had before. So I should say now is the first time I've experienced polyamory instead of simply multiple partners/an open relationship.
 
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nycindie said:
You have a wife but don't want her to have a boyfriend? Uggghhhhh....
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I wonder where I said that I didn't want her to have a boyfriend. There seems to be a lot if reactions to my post suggesting that I don't. I'm also getting replies that seem to suggest that I didn't mention that she's had other partners in the past and that I had no problem with that.

Let me reiterate a couple of things:
-I felt that a few weeks after being caught lying and breaking our agreements was too soon. I wanted to strengthen our trust again. If that was selfish of me, then I guess I don't get the point of trust or I have values that are stupid.
-She's had partners in the past that I was totally copecetic with. Never gave her a hard time about it. Even helped her find dates.
-LDRs suck.

Anyway, nycindie, I don't think you read my posts correctly.
 
raz0rf0x said:
. . . the frustration of having to watch her be with someone else while we struggle to be together, the anxiety of whether this partner is going to change our plans for the future...
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Well, this is the part that sounded to me like you really don't want her to develop a relationship with this guy. You are afraid it will fuck up your plans.

I think your problem is that you have let yourself become much too attached -- to her, and to whatever outcomes you want from the relationship. I think you need to step back and let go of clinging to this relationship. Let it be what it is and derive satisfaction from that, instead of wanting to steer it in a particular direction.
 
nycindie said:
Well, this is the part that sounded to me like you really don't want her to develop a relationship with this guy. You are afraid it will fuck up your plans.

I think your problem is that you have let yourself become much too attached -- to her, and to whatever outcomes you want from the relationship. I think you need to step back and let go of clinging to this relationship. Let it be what it is and derive satisfaction from that, instead of wanting to steer it in a particular direction.
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It would disappoint me, yes. We've been making plans and it's been frustrating having them spoiled so often.
You're probably right that clinging to a particular outcome is preventing me from fully enjoying what we do have. We have both expressed a desire for a particular outcome. So yes, it may fuck up our plans. I think it's justifiable to be frustrated with that.

I've acknowledged that my anxieties are counterproductive. I mention what is on my mind not as a justification, but merely to be completely honest. I'm looking for guidance on how to better deal with these things. I'm not going to pretend I'm perfect. I'm merely human. The nice thing about being human is the ability to adapt and grow, which is what I'm attempting to do. I have reached the limit on what I know and now seek to know and understand more.
 
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raz0rf0x said:
I have reached the limit on what I know and now seek to know and understand more.
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Yes, that is good, and we are all giving you feedback, some of which you won't like or will disagree with, but that is the nature of the internet. So there is no reason to defend yourself at every post you get. You can simply ignore those that do not ring true, or let them sink in and think about what people are saying to you without feeling like you need to explain yourself. We all share here in the spirit of helpfulness, and you've only gotten responses thus far from a tiny fraction of the membership here. So hang on, I'm sure more are coming!
 
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