New Love Limbo.....

K

Kittykate

New member
I seriously hate, hate, hate, and hate when someone new comes in. I hate how it turns everything upside down within the group. A little background, I have my husband and a boyfriend who has been off and on for two years, and I just added a new one into the mix. As usual it has thrown everything else into chaos.

My husband is in his extreme jealous mode due to his PTSD, depression, not having someone, me making mistakes, and him feeling like this new guy is a complete threat because of how well we are able to talk to eachother emotionally. My husband tells me alot to just do what I want, and to just lie to him so he doesn't have to hear true feelings. He is at the point he doesn't know if he wants poly anymore, and I don't want monogamy so it is also a tough patch in our figuring things out. His biggest fear is that I am going to find someone better and leave like we've seen happen to friends.

My other partner is in Colorado so he is just afraid since I actually have someone physically here now who is new. I am trying to get over the NRE feeling and fast so everyone will settle the hell down, but it is so hard it seems. We have only been dating a week so I know it is going to take some time, and figuring a schedule and such out until everyone settles in. It is just frustrating feeling like I am always wrong. I just want my husband to understand that I love him more than anything, no matter how I connect with my other partners, and my partner in Colorado to just understand that he is just as wanted even with distance, and the new guy to not feel guilty for turning everything upside down.
 
Sounds like a frustrating situation.

According to popular wisdom at least, NRE takes at least a few months to simmer down. So yeah if it's only been a week ... :(
 
Sounds like you are over-sharing with your husband what should probably best stay between you and your boyfriends. Does he really need to know how well you and bf communicate and connect emotionally? Likely not. Be a little more compassionate for his struggle and talk to someone else regarding your feelings for your boyfriends, how well your other relationships are going, etc.
 
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Sounds like you're focused on pleasing and keeping everyone else happy - not so focused on what feels right and good for you, so much so that you "hate" NRE not because of what it brings up for you but because of others' reactions. And - you've only been dating a week and you're already planning schedules and worrying about how a third partner will fit long term. You don't even really know this new person yet and you're taking on the world on his behalf. You're spinning an awful lot of plates that are not yours to spin right here, right now. What's up with that?
 
I am sorry you deal in this. I hope things do settle down soon.

Why are you carrying so much burden over dating a person for a week? Seems like a lot of hooha over a potential that is still... just a potential. I mean, enjoy. But don't put cart before horse and rearrange your life.

His biggest fear is that I am going to find someone better and leave like we've seen happen to friends.
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Is he asking for help managing fear? Have you told him you see that he is fearful? That you appreciate it is hard for him sometimes?

Then tell him what behaviors he does that make you love staying? Does he do them? Yes. See? No need to fear.

Then maybe in future he can direct some of the nervous energy into productive work and self soothing rather than into fueling anxiety witter.

From your other thread it sounds like he's not having as much luck poly dating. So you being all happy gushy and "successful" might be hard for him to watch. That doesn't mean you cannot enjoy yourself. But you could dial it down a bit at home and not gush at him.


I just want my husband to understand that I love him more than anything, no matter how I connect with my other partners
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Know what? I hope you don't love him more than anything. That you would leave if he started beating you up or murdered a child or something.

I think your husband knows this statement "as is" cannot be true. There is a limit. Maybe it would help him chill out if you said what the limit WAS rather than telling him you love him more than anything... no matter how you connect with others.

Cuz maybe all he hears is "You are top dog... for now." If he has that type of personality, now he might feel the need to play "king of the hill" before someone comes to knock him off.

Maybe try changing to a plainer "I love you lots." Then there's no "more than..." comparison talk setting him off.

Or maybe it is not comparison words but it is too many words in general. Ever notice with kids, only the last few words stick? "Didn't you hear me tell you not to hit your brother" becomes "hit your brother."

Maybe "I love your more than anything no matter how I connect with others" becomes "I connect with others" and he's just not hearing the love part. Could go with less talk -- just plain "I love you lots." See if that helps.

Or see if anything here helps.

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articl...nster-managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships

My husband tells me alot to just do what I want, and to just lie to him so he doesn't have to hear true feelings.
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Well, that sounds like he doesn't want to hear so many details. Do you gush a lot about your other partners to him and overload him? Are you willing to tell him less? Not lie, but not tell him so much? Are you able to respect that boundary?

Because if he tells you a lot to stop telling him, and you don't respect the boundary or talk about negotiating for a modified you CAN keep and he can live with so he knows you are trying?

Ignoring a boundary is not you doing loving behavior toward him. :(

Then later you tell him you love him so much? Well, your "trustability" took a ding there because your "talk" and your "walk" are not matching. He's going to have a hard time believing you when you say love him when you DO non-loving behaviors towards him. Actions are louder than words.

Why does do you want him to know how well you and New Guy emotionally connect? You could tell that stuff to New Guy. He might appreciate hearing it. DH does not appreciate it.

What's "news worthy" to DH? Sort it out with him.

Going out to go ice skating and then movies and then dinner with potential -- skip.
Going out with X. Be back by Y O'clock. Will text or call if plans change. -- tell. (So he doesn't worry you are in a ditch somewhere.)

New dating potential is great emotional talker lalala -- skip.
Now potential is now a steady dating partner -- tell.

Some kissing and hugging -- skip.
Looking to "go lover" -- tell.

Maybe because of the PTSD he doesn't want to be "cranked up" all the time. Only when it is "news worthy" and he HAS to adjust, does he want to hear it. The rest of the time you could tell him less and find someone else to share those things with. You have other partners.

For communication? Consider "right person, right time, right place, right amount." For each of your people.

Maybe that could help smooth things down faster?

Galagirl
 
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Thank you guys for all the posts. To clarify a few things we have always been super open with eachother about the others relationships. And finally after quite a few fights my husband broke down and let everything out which is what we were all waiting for. He usually doesn't hold stuff in but with the recent death of a friend he didn't want to release emotions and it made it hard for me.

He broke down Saturday night, and told me everything he was feeling. Sunday we went to the beach with the kids, our family friend, and my boyfriend. The men went out into the water for a bit alone and talked and it was just amazing the transformation. We were all able to hang out that day with no tension and everything, and we were able to lay down some good suggestions for timesharing.
 
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Know what? I hope you don't love him more than anything. That you would leave if he started beating you up or murdered a child or something.
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I love my husband, but I would leave the second he even did anything harmful to myself or my children. I have been in an abusive relationship and that is a game I just don't play.
 
Sounds like things went well at the beach, that's good to hear.
 
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