Hi. New to this board, and honestly, a bit unsure what I’m looking to get from here.
I’m 48 and going through a very amicable divorce. My ex is great. It just turns out we’re not great for each other. We’re committed to remaining friends, and co-parenting, but in the past month or so, it’s suddenly dawned on me that I’m about to be thrown back into the dating world. And the last time I swam in those waters everything was analog. The thought of setting up a tinder account and learning how to online date leaves me wanting to just curl up and go to sleep. Clearly I’m not quite ready to date, so I thought I’d spend some time doing research instead.
Why am I on a poly board? Because my wife and I dabbled in swinging while we were married. We actually talked about getting back into it at some amorphous point down the line, but we had a couple of kids. I got sober. And we ultimately decided separate was better than together.
I think we both really liked hooking up with other couples and singles. We started by bringing boys home from the bar. Sharing my wife was awesome! Then we started meeting couples, and progressed slowly over time to same-room, full-swap. (forgive me if I mangle some of the terminology. We had sex with other people, but were not part of any swinger community, so we rarely had to put a label on our behavior.)
We never thought of ourselves as polyamorous. Meaning, we didn’t have emotional relationships or even friendships with any of our hook-ups. These were all one-night-stands. We didn’t exchange numbers or consider ever seeing any of them again.
I don’t think I would call what we had an open marriage. We didn’t date or pursue other people separately. We only “played” together, but once I was able to progress past the jealousy and possessiveness, I know I wondered to myself sometimes if we should push further and explore opening ourselves up even more?
And now that we are about to close on our divorce, I’m left asking the question, “Could we have gotten from others what we didn’t have to give between ourselves, and would our relationship have survived if we had shared it?”
That’s a question that can’t be answered, but I keep coming back to the idea that monogamy really is an unrealistic expectation we put upon the people we love. It almost seems immature from where I’m sitting today. Like how my kids reactively grab a toy away from another child when that child shows interest in playing with said toy. Marriage is the relationship equivalent of yelling, “Mine!” But I’m rambling now, so back to my intro.
I actually brought up the idea of having an open marriage as a way to save our family, but it was too late, and I’m not sure that is something she would have necessarily be interested in anyway.
So here I am. Single and wondering if there’s a better way? So instead of dating, I decided to take a more intellectual approach and just see what people’s thoughts and ideas were on the subject of polyamory. So here I am.
I can’t wait to read more and find other resources where I can get an idea if this is something I’m honestly interested in pursuing, or if this is just me, in mid-life crisis, seeking a solution to a broken marriage I couldn’t save?
If you made it this far, you’re either really bored or really compassionate. Either way, please feel free to say hello. I can’t wait to learn from your experience.
I’m 48 and going through a very amicable divorce. My ex is great. It just turns out we’re not great for each other. We’re committed to remaining friends, and co-parenting, but in the past month or so, it’s suddenly dawned on me that I’m about to be thrown back into the dating world. And the last time I swam in those waters everything was analog. The thought of setting up a tinder account and learning how to online date leaves me wanting to just curl up and go to sleep. Clearly I’m not quite ready to date, so I thought I’d spend some time doing research instead.
Why am I on a poly board? Because my wife and I dabbled in swinging while we were married. We actually talked about getting back into it at some amorphous point down the line, but we had a couple of kids. I got sober. And we ultimately decided separate was better than together.
I think we both really liked hooking up with other couples and singles. We started by bringing boys home from the bar. Sharing my wife was awesome! Then we started meeting couples, and progressed slowly over time to same-room, full-swap. (forgive me if I mangle some of the terminology. We had sex with other people, but were not part of any swinger community, so we rarely had to put a label on our behavior.)
We never thought of ourselves as polyamorous. Meaning, we didn’t have emotional relationships or even friendships with any of our hook-ups. These were all one-night-stands. We didn’t exchange numbers or consider ever seeing any of them again.
I don’t think I would call what we had an open marriage. We didn’t date or pursue other people separately. We only “played” together, but once I was able to progress past the jealousy and possessiveness, I know I wondered to myself sometimes if we should push further and explore opening ourselves up even more?
And now that we are about to close on our divorce, I’m left asking the question, “Could we have gotten from others what we didn’t have to give between ourselves, and would our relationship have survived if we had shared it?”
That’s a question that can’t be answered, but I keep coming back to the idea that monogamy really is an unrealistic expectation we put upon the people we love. It almost seems immature from where I’m sitting today. Like how my kids reactively grab a toy away from another child when that child shows interest in playing with said toy. Marriage is the relationship equivalent of yelling, “Mine!” But I’m rambling now, so back to my intro.
I actually brought up the idea of having an open marriage as a way to save our family, but it was too late, and I’m not sure that is something she would have necessarily be interested in anyway.
So here I am. Single and wondering if there’s a better way? So instead of dating, I decided to take a more intellectual approach and just see what people’s thoughts and ideas were on the subject of polyamory. So here I am.
I can’t wait to read more and find other resources where I can get an idea if this is something I’m honestly interested in pursuing, or if this is just me, in mid-life crisis, seeking a solution to a broken marriage I couldn’t save?
If you made it this far, you’re either really bored or really compassionate. Either way, please feel free to say hello. I can’t wait to learn from your experience.
