New partner, higher STD risk than I'd like. How can I increase my safer-sex protocol?

[scarletzinnia]

I am dating someone I would like to be lovers with, but he is a higher risk for STDs than I am normally comfortable with. He attends swinger parties, is bisexual, and has a female partner who has HSV2. He uses condoms for penetrative sex at the parties and with his other partner, but does not use condoms for oral sex at parties or with the other partner. The partner with HSV2 takes antivirals, has not had an outbreak in many years, and her other two partners don't have it.

I would use condoms with him for intercourse. I don't care if he gives me oral sex or not, I would just as soon skip it. I would either forego giving oral to him or use condoms for it. He gets tested every three months for everything, including HSV2.

Is there anything else I can do to keep myself and my network safe? I have already asked him if he would consider giving up sex with strangers at swinger parties and just focus on his partners (he would have three if I became one of them) and other potential romantic relationships with people I could potentially know and trust. He is not willing to do that. Now I am out of ideas.

Thanks for your help!

 

[opalescent]

You've done everything I can think of to limit your risk. Your concepts of sexual health risk don't mesh well with his. Neither of you are 'wrong' - just have different assessments of what is risky and what possible consequences you are willing to deal with.

I'm also glad he turned down your request to control his sexuality. I personally believe this is not an acceptable thing to ask. You basically asked him to change who he is, how he desires, to be sexual in ways that are just like how you prefer to be sexual so you could be more comfortable. That is asking too much.

You have every right to set your sexual risk borders wherever you want. So does he. And in that respect, you two are not compatible.

So, for your own peace of mind, don't be lovers. Take a pass, wish him well, and move on.

 

[Inyourendo]

I also would take a pass it being lovers with him. I would be extremely uncomfortable even with condoms. also my lovers would not be okay with me having sex with somebody who is having sex with someone with herpes that's just my take on the situation

 

[MightyMax]

I agree with everyone else.

 

[MightyMax]

I also would take a pass it being lovers with him. I would be extremely comfortable even with condoms. also my lovers would not be okay with me having sex with somebody who is having sex with someone with herpes that's just my take on the situation

Does your polysexual partner insist on STD results from everyone he is "polysexual" with? I always assume polysexual means that you're open to casual sex and the reality of casual sex is that discussion about STDs is limited.

 

[Inyourendo]

Does your polysexual partner insist on STD results from everyone he is "polysexual" with? I always assume polysexual means that you're open to casual sex and the reality of casual sex is that discussion about STDs is limited.

Polysexual doesn't mean having unsafe sex practices. And no, std conversation is not limited. And yes he has safe sex. He also chooses sex partners who are not promiscuous. Many of the women hes with only have sex with him.

 

[MightyMax]

Polysexual doesn't mean having unsafe sex practices. And no, std conversation is not limited. And yes he has safe sex. He also chooses sex partners who are not promiscuous. Many of the women hes with only have sex with him.

Well, I wouldn't necessarily label the example I gave as "having unsafe sex practices" but thanks for the clarification.

 

[SlowPoly]

I don't know that HSV-2 is any more contagious than HSV-1. And I have (for over 20 years) regularly kissed and often received oral sex from a partner who has oral HSV-1. His mouth is not in play when there's a cold sore or any tingle that might precede one. I still have never had a cold sore and I test negative for HSV-1. I *really* don't want genital HSV-1. But our experience has changed the way I see herpes in general.

Neither of my partners has HSV-2 or genital HSV-1. But if I did have a partner with genital herpes, or one of my partners did, I would be comfortable with consistent barrier use and antiviral therapy (not a guarantee, but somewhat reducing risk). If the other partners had been around a significant time and were testing negative for HSV-2 despite lack of barriers, I would weigh that in favor of accepting relaxed standards. BUT all of this would only come into play if I were seriously considering this person as a life partner. Since I'm only going to have room for 2, maybe 3 people at that level of intimacy, my other partners' preferences would have a lot of weight in the decision.

As far as the sex parties or other anonymous sex, and the common standard of wrapping for vaginal or anal penetration but not oral, I've never been comfortable with that. I'd probably use barriers for all genital contact in that case.

 

[IndieSolo]

. . . the reality of casual sex is that discussion about STDs is limited.

Whaaaaaa???? Where did you get that idea? Quite often, people who are into casual sex who are even more stringent in their safer sex protocols than those who are are only looking for "serious" committed relationships. "Casual" should not be equated automatically with "careless." When it comes to safer sex, there are people who are lax and people who are very strict about what they do, but that does not necessarily have to do with whether they engage in casual sex or not. Casual means a lot of different things to different people, as evidenced by this discussion: Casual Sex - Discussion.

 

[MightyMax]

Whaaaaaa???? Where did you get that idea? Quite often, people who are into casual sex who are even more stringent in their safer sex protocols than those who are are only looking for "serious" committed relationships. "Casual" should not be equated automatically with "careless." When it comes to safer sex, there are people who are lax and people who are very strict about what they do, but that does not necessarily have to do with whether they engage in casual sex or not. Casual means a lot of different things to different people, as evidenced by this discussion: Casual Sex - Discussion.

What I mean by "discussion is limited" is that at a swinging event, a one night stand or some other purely sexual encounter with someone you don't know very well, the reality is that you don't speak about STDs. Even if you did speak about them, the other person is a complete stranger so the vast majority of sensible people would still use barrier protection regardless of whether they said they have weekly tests for everything and all have been negative.

I've never been involved in any type of casual, spontaneous sex where we had the type of in depth discussion about sexual health that I'd have with someone I'm dating and neither have the people I know. As my friend Mike said, "that's why I always use condoms and test regularly when I swing". That doesnt make anyone lapse, it just means they acknowledge that the assurances of a stranger means very little and that condoms are very good at what they are designed for.

I agree that I took polysexual to mean open to these kinds of random sexual encounters and that isn't necessarily the case. However, I maintain that not speaking about STDs with someone you plan to have a random, short term sexual encounter with is only "lapse" if you don't use condoms. These types of casual encounters do increase risk, but speaking about your sexual health history with a stranger doesn't reduce that risk. Condoms do.

 

[Inyourendo]

Oh, well my polysexual partner isn't a swinger.

 

[IndieSolo]

What I mean by "discussion is limited" is that at a swinging event, a one night stand or some other purely sexual encounter with someone you don't know very well, the reality is that you don't speak about STDs.

Apparently you don't - but you can't make a blanket statement like that about everyone who has casual sex.

Even if you did speak about them, the other person is a complete stranger so the vast majority of sensible people would still use barrier protection regardless of whether they said they have weekly tests for everything and all have been negative.

Well, of course. I think for most poly people, going bareback isn't something taken lightly at all, no matter how long the relationship has been going on. The moment when people agree to stop using condoms is usually significant, or a turning point in a relationship, for most sensible people.

I've never been involved in any type of casual, spontaneous sex where we had the type of in depth discussion about sexual health that I'd have with someone I'm dating and neither have the people I know. As my friend Mike said, "that's why I always use condoms and test regularly when I swing". That doesnt make anyone lapse, it just means they acknowledge that the assurances of a stranger means very little and that condoms are very good at what they are designed for.

It sounds like you equate the term "casual sex" with swinging. Many polyfolk (whether polyamorous or polysexual) never swing, though they may have casual sexual liaisons. I occasionally engage in casual sex, but have never participated in swinging and likely never will - not my thing. But just because the parameters of my relationships are more casual doesn't mean it isn't discussed before we get to fucking. One guy I had a cocktail date with showed up with a hard copy of his test results, even though it wasn't a given we would get it on that night (we did, heh). As I said before, casual sex means different things to different people.

I agree that I took polysexual to mean open to these kinds of random sexual encounters and that isn't necessarily the case.

There seem to be two ways to look at the word polysexual. For some people, it's sort of like "pansexual." But as I understand it, it means someone who can have sex with multiple partners without much emotional attachment - polysexual but basically monoamorous, as opposed to polyamorous, where you can love multiple partners. I might be a bit off in describing it there. There is an interesting thread about all those terms here: Bisexual, Pansexual, Polysexual...is it all semantics?

However, I maintain that not speaking about STDs with someone you plan to have a random, short term sexual encounter with is only "lapse" if you don't use condoms. These types of casual encounters do increase risk, but speaking about your sexual health history with a stranger doesn't reduce that risk. Condoms do.

Yep. Can't argue that.

 

[kdt26417]

So far, I've heard of three definitions for "polysexual."

First:

• Monosexual = inclined to be sexually attracted to just one gender.
• Bisexual = inclined to be sexually attracted to two genders (e.g. male and female).
• Polysexual = inclined to be sexually attracted to multiple genders (e.g. male, female, plus something in between).
• Pansexual = inclined to be sexually attracted to any/all gender/s, or perhaps more accurately, without regard to (or bias toward any) gender.

Second: Polysexual = inclined to be sexually, but not necessarily emotionally/romantically, involved with more than one partner.

Third: Polysexual = inclined to have sex with more than one person at one time (e.g. threesomes). I've only heard of one instance where someone defined it this way, though.

Sorry for the hijack.

 

[MightyMax]

If you agree that discussing STD history with a stranger doesn't really reduce your risk, then any discussion before a sexual encounter with a stranger isn't of benefit. Yes, you might have had an indepth conversation with "John" and "Jane", but it doesn't really count because you know nothing about these people who could be lying through their teeth.

Swinging is a type of casual sex. One night stands are a type of casual sex. People have ongoing relationships that are focused around friendship and casual sex. Whilst I do think swinging is a type of casual sex, I don't think it's the only thing that constitutes casual sex.

If you solely have those ongoing casual relationships, then yes, I think it's possible to garner enough true information from the other person to minimise risk. The other types of casual, spontaneous sexual encounters simply do not allow for meaningful discussion.

 

[maxnsue]

My wife, myself and our girlfriend started out in the pre aids days. Prior to that my wife and I contracted an STD after wife swapping with a couple we knew for a long time. After that my wife invited her best friend into our bed and we kept our sex among the three of us. Then AIDS came along and we would not dare involving others anymore. We kept the same threesome for 38 years so no worries.