New Quad Relationship

[NewishCouple]

Hey! We have found ourselves in a closed poly quad relationship (2 couples with 10+ year marriages). First poly relationship for both. We came from the swinging world and they were interested in it. Started as more of a hookup, and well, we all fell in love and are seeing where this takes us. We are 6 months in.

My husband and I are very secure and don’t have a ton of jealousy. The feelings of compersion are strong.

They are in a solid relationship, but she has a ton of anxiety that comes and goes. Unfortunately, it comes and goes to the point where it affects my relationship with her partner (texts while we are out, not allowing us to have sex, becoming possessive when I’m around).

This has become a struggle, as it seems like there is one person dictating my relationship. We all feel like we are walking on eggshells when this comes up.

We are all new to this and figuring things out. I want full autonomy, but also know that I can’t expect that from them at this point. But there is also a fine line between not having a say in what happens in my relationship at times that I really struggle with.

Unfortunately, the anxiety comes and goes, and we never know when it’s going to come out. It can throw a major wrench in our night, or our week even, depending on how strong it is. We can go weeks without it, and then it hits.

I don’t know what exactly I’m looking for, but if anyone has any advice it would be great. We really don’t want to end this, as it has been great overall, but it’s becoming harder to deal with.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi,

Welcome to our little poly corner of the internet.

We get a lot of former swingers who come here, having fallen in love with their sex partners/FWBs. Swingers learn to separate sex from love/deep romantic feelings, but even swingers can lose the fight and fall in love. So then, despite having experience with sharing sex with others, you need to learn how to be okay with your partner sharing feelings with others, not just their bodies. Sometimes it's harder to deal with those feelings than just the mere act of sharing bodies.

I am not sure what triggers this member of your quad into her spirals of jealousy and wanting to dictate what her husband does with you. But really? That's on them. That is between them. Your bf doesn't need to tell you when his wife is upset. As the hinge of that V, with you and her as the arms of the V, he has to deal with each of you separately.

He shouldn't cancel a date with you unless it's a true emergency. She shouldn't start fights with him right before he is about to go on a date with you. He and he alone (and you) should decide if and when to have sex of any kind.

The swinger world is couple-centric and usually heterocentric (for men, at least). There are adjustments to be made. There is disentangling to be done, and a degree of independence to be expected and won.

There is a great book called Opening Up, which covers ENM-- casual sex, swinging, open relationships and polyamory. We all need to learn the difference between these groups under the ENM umbrella. There are hurdles to jump and skills to be learned.

Quads are extremely hard to maintain, and it's always because one member is not totally on board.

 

[Bobbi]

As long as he runs to comfort her, she will continue. He can reassure her and support her when he is not on a date with you but he needs to make it clear that when he is with you his phone will not be answered (use do not disturb mode). He will be with her after the date and she needs to learn to regulate her feelings during these times. His phone should be in DND mode when he's on a date with her too. This way everyone can expect that uninterrupted quality time.

The reason it's so hard to get through is because of fight or flight as I explained
Here

If she can implement those techniques, she will be able to make it through his dates without him and will process those feelings very quickly instead of stewing in that horrible feeling.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello NewishCouple,

Is she aware of this anxiety cycle, does she know that it is a problem? Is there a prescription med she could take to get it under control? Could she get therapy for it? Just going along, and suffering through her anxiety attacks whenever they hit, does not seem to be the solution here. Something needs to be done so that her anxiety is lessened and getting treatment.

I'm sorry you have to deal with that.
Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

she has a ton of anxiety that comes and goes. Unfortunately, it comes and goes to the point where it affects my relationship with her partner (texts while we are out, not allowing us to have sex, becoming possessive when I’m around).

This has become a struggle, as it seems like there is one person dictating my relationship. We all feel like we are walking on eggshells when this comes up.

We are all new to this and figuring things out. I want full autonomy, but also know that I can’t expect that from them at this point.

Unfortunately, the anxiety comes and goes, and we never know when it’s going to come out. It can throw a major wrench in our night, or our week even, depending on how strong it is.

I am going to call your husband Roger, your bf Charles and the other wife Tina.

Tina can text Charles when he's out with you.

But, as the hinge, Charles can choose to NOT check his phone and not answer her texts.

He should not LET Tina dictate his relationship with you. That's on him.

You don't need to expect full autonomy from "THEM," Charles and Tina. You have a romantic relationship with Charles, not Tina. You may or may not be friends with her. If Charles wants his own autonomy from Tina (within reason of course, respecting her needs, their shared schedule, household responsibilities), he has to declare himself independent, as far as dating others goes. He decides how to spend his time, with whom, and what he will do with each person when he is with them. YOU don't do this, you don't work on it. It is his responsibility as a hinge. If he can't do this, he should not be dating polyamorously.

Tina should not be able to ruin your night, or your week, with Charles. If he is allowing this, he should not be dating you. He should take a break from outside dating and spend time with Tina, working on his own boundaries and their shared agreements. You can step back and tell him to get back in touch with you when he has things figured out (if and when that time comes).

Don't expect to only date as a quad, i.e., you and Roger go to Charles's house and swap spouses. That's swinger behavior. In poly, most people date solo. So, if Roger and Tina are getting along, great. They go on dates and share sex. If you and Charles want to go on dates, share sex, great. You don't need to do this in the same house, at the same time as Roger and Tina are doing it. Just think of this as separate dyads.

Tina won't be able to "get possessive" when you're with Charles, because she won't be there!

The dyads are:

You and Roger
You and Charles
Charles and Tina
Roger and Tina

Each dyad needs its own time and space to be nurtured and to develop. If someone (Tina) keeps throwing fits, to not allow you and Charles to have a nice peaceful date, then Charles is not ready to date you.

If you are chill about Roger and Tina dating, fine. Their relationship can be nurtured and grow. Tina wants to be poly, but part of poly is not just dating others, it's being fine with your partner dating others. She is not there yet. She is not fine with Charles dating you. But I hope she learns to overcome the jealousy and fear causing her anxiety and unacceptable behaviors.

 

[Juan234]

Hi newish couple. Welcome.

Me: monogomous. Nevertheless, my biggest fantasy is a quad. I have read a lot about them. Maybe one day.

To your background: in the swinger world, primaries are primaries, and secondaries are temporary. There is even a rule of thumb to only go as fast as the slowest participant. In a same-room swinger situation, your spouses’ situations would be more evident to both of you. You have not said anything about their dynamic. Does this matter to you? If not, then are you committed to having a quad?

Many quads tend to not last more than a few months, or maybe years. This can be because the secondaries may marry; or two new Vs are created; or one person is jealous and calls the quad off; or one person is serially hooked on NRE, and once it gets old they need to add someone new and want to open a closed quad, etc.

There are many relationships in a quad.

As to where you are going: quads tend to start by either experienced swingers that shack up, or newbies that already knew each other well and fall in love. The poly side is nice. You get extended time, privacy, new relationship energy, focused romance, but it has to be matched with higher communication and scheduling with the primaries, and jealousy always hovers.

The advice from others is rightfully poly, which is where you are going.

Phones off means that when you are with the BF, he is really temporarily monogamous with you. And this brings us full circle.

It all comes down to what you are committed to. Quads can be somewhere on a spectrum, where "same room" is more like swinging, and separate dating is more like poly. You get to make the rules.