New, scared, and failed

To me it sounds like the bigger problem is "healthy marriage vs unhealthy marraige." :(

I do not know if either of these lists could apply in your situation on some level or just do not apply at all:

http://www.outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Top100Traits.html

http://speakoutloud.net/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/Tactics-Murphy-2010.pdf

But what you have going on there? I think it goes beyond the advice of Internet strangers. I think you could benefit from professional advice to help you ID what it is you have on your hands. Ask for help in figuring out what you want to do next.

I am sorry you deal in this. All I can say with confidence is that this is not healthy relating in a marriage. :(

Galagirl
 
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Counseling

I'm going to try to find an in-network/LGBT friendly counselor in my area for MYSELF only. I don't really want marital counseling at this time. I don't feel I'm ready to work on our relationship. I would like to figure myself out first.
 
Aleesha said:
I'm going to try to find an in-network/LGBT friendly counselor in my area for MYSELF only. I don't really want marital counseling at this time. I don't feel I'm ready to work on our relationship. I would like to figure myself out first.
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Now THAT statement makes sense.

As far as I have read in this thread, the problem which needs to be addressed is with your sense of self-worth. While there are some relationship issues and some of it is poly specific going on... the fundamental issue needs to be worked on between you and a therapy professional.
 
Just reading through the thread, I saw red-flags of abusive dynamic throughout your posts.

Take out the whole discussion on sexuality and polyamory. Because those are superflous to my point.
If you go read about emotionally abusive relationships; you will see how many of your examples match the list. More than enough to be highly concerning. Here's a link:
http://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/e...al-abuse-definitions-signs-symptoms-examples/


If anyone in my real life told me that their partner was behaving the way you say he is; I would immediately be taking them to the womens shelter.
 
Counseling

I know this is not a funny situation, but thinking about counseling I had to laugh. I almost want to record the counselor a face during the first session when they ask why I'm there and my response is, "I think I'm a lesbian who is married who a man who was formally physically abusive and now controlling, oh and I am bulimic....treat me". His/her face is going to be priceless....as will be the cost of my never ending counseling sessions to fix my jacked up life.

Thanks for the support that quickly drifted away from my original poly thoughts.
 
Do not worry about their expression... Focus on getting you to an appt, start to help you sort yourself out first . When you are in a healthier space... Then you can sort you want to do after that.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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Aleesha said:
I know this is not a funny situation, but thinking about counseling I had to laugh. I almost want to record the counselor a face during the first session when they ask why I'm there and my response is, "I think I'm a lesbian who is married who a man who was formally physically abusive and now controlling, oh and I am bulimic....treat me". His/her face is going to be priceless....as will be the cost of my never ending counseling sessions to fix my jacked up life.

Thanks for the support that quickly drifted away from my original poly thoughts.
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Aleesha, you're not alone. You are far from the only woman who married a controlling man, discovered an attraction to women, and have an eating disorders. A decent therapist will not be surprised by this scenario. I don't want to take away something that made you giggle - laughs are precious sometimes! - but I thought it might be more important to you to know you're not alone. And, you are not jacked up. Your life might be right now. But you are not. You are doing the brave work of figuring out yourself and sorting out what to do next.

Oh, and this is probably super obvious but do not show your husband this thread. Do not go to this forum on a computer he has access to. Be careful.
 
Thanks :)

Thanks :)

It is nice sometimes to feel not alone and not crazy.

I for sure won't show him and I have my privacy search on while I'm on my phone so I don't think when he goes through my phone he will be able to find it. Unless he has a spyware which I wouldn't be surprised.
 
Not so jacked up. Not so astonishing either.
I don't happen to have an eating disorder, but I certainly have a conglomeration of issues.
Thus far-therapists have not been shocked. :)
Just work on getting yourself stable and steady-the rest will follow.
 
Related

I'm sure a counselor is going to say it's all related to each other. Having low self esteem, hating my body, easily controlled and then bulimia which from articles I've read is about me gaining control when I feel I do not have control more than it's about controlling my weight (not so sure about that , but ok).
 
Aleesha said:
I'm sure a counselor is going to say it's all related to each other. Having low self esteem, hating my body, easily controlled and then bulimia which from articles I've read is about me gaining control when I feel I do not have control more than it's about controlling my weight (not so sure about that , but ok).
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Left unchecked, a life tends to tangle up our issues into other issues like a web. So while I genuinely hope you dig into intensive therapy with someone who is competent, I want to remind you to get started quickly but not expect quick results. Untangling that web can be complex and time consuming, and it might not always feel like you're leaping forward into recovery.

That isn't meant to be discouraging, just an attempt to remind you to temper your expectations realistically.

LovingRadiance said:
If anyone in my real life told me that their partner was behaving the way you say he is; I would immediately be taking them to the womens shelter.
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I am slow to make these kinds of recommendations and start using alarm language... but under these circumstances it really does seem reasonable to start getting yourself an exit strategy. You might have a lot of emotional work and growing up to do and trying to do it under a tyrannical association is only going to serve to hinder your progress.

I remember staying in a shelter with my mother when I was about 12 years old, she was running from her boyfriend who tried to use her body to rearrange some furniture. The shelter was a very uncomfortable place but strangely safe, and I can't help but feel that it gave my mother a sense of empowerment which helped her push through dark times.

...for what it's worth.
 
I agree Marcus-it's easy to see abuse where there is miscommunication and miscommunicate where their is abuse.
But going to a therapist to address the situation is probably a MUCH MUCH better strategy then depending on internet strangers to assess.

But-I would make that move with someone in my real life-because even if it turned out it wasn't abusive, the shelter would be able to talk with them about differentiating that, which I wouldn't be as capable of doing. Better I take them to someone who has a wealth of knowledge and experience than risk finding their body later.
 
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