New territory...what should I do?

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EienNoAi

New member
I'm new to the forum. I've browsed as a guest for quite some time and have been able to find many answers to questions, but I tried to search what I'm currently going through, and either I'm really bad at it, or there isn't anything that is like my situation. Either way, I decided to write something. It's VERY long and I'm hoping that someone...anyone takes the time to read because I'm at a loss as to what I should do.

To start, I'll tell a little about myself since that will obviously help with the telling of the current situation. I've been together with Hubby for 14 years and married for 7 next month. We have a child together who is 3. We have had an open relationship since before getting married. We decided that all other partners were to be strictly casual (just sex...mainly threesomes - and I have let him go about his business by himself, as it doesn't bother me) and there have been little to no problems with that arrangement. A few hiccups now and again that have been talked about and settled. We are only "out" to a few close friends. Our families wouldn't be happy if they knew...period.


Okay here's the background on the current situation. This is EXTREMELY long and (in my opinion) pretty complicated. I want to be clear, so I'm being very thorough with all the details.

Probably a year ago (possibly slightly longer), I began to realize that I wanted and felt more (love) for a certain partner of mine. (I'll call him Knight) Knight and I had always been strictly casual before (as was the norm)...but he was different than all the rest because he has been my only repeat partner, for as long as I've been married to Hubby (7 years). Okay...a little about Knight to round out the story. He's single-ish (that's why I'm writing this), wants a family, has a great job (that I'm positive he doesn't want to give up), and unfortunately lives 6 hours away. :(

For Hubby, it was no surprise when I told him my feelings. Hubby and Knight have a great friendship on their own, so he had no hard feelings about the situation. We told Knight how I felt and I was pleasantly surprised to find that he felt the same about me and Hubby and I even decided that Knight could be fluid bonded with me. We also talked and both of us agreed that under the right circumstances we would be more than happy to add him to our family. We've told Knight this, but for him (as much as he loves and cares for me), I can't "legally" give him EVERYTHING he wants (wife, child(ren), family, etc). He knows and appreciates that I am willing to do those things for him, but with the distance, and unfortunately, Hubby and I are under financial difficulties, and to be honest, we too don't want to leave where we are for the sake of our child...it's a double edged sword.

Plus, this arrangement has been a total secret to basically everyone but the 3 of us for all this time. To everyone else, me, Hubby and Knight have just created a really close friendship in these past years. Hubby and I want to be out to more of our friends, but Knight doesn't want to and fears that if we tell more people they will realize his involvement....we've respected that fear and hesitance in him and haven't pressed the matter further.


Okay...back story finally over....sorry to everyone who has made it this far. There's still more to go.

Knight has been more than happy with the relationship that we have together and as he said to me recently, "I've been single for so long I guess I was resolved to be single forever." But about 2 months ago he "re-met" a good friend (I'll call her Brunette) of one of his closest friends (they're like brothers). They hit it off immediately. Looking back I saw the signs and got a little jealous. (Which I've been wrestling with because I want him to be happy.) Things happened so fast that a week ago Knight abruptly, told me that we could no longer be "lovers" ( I hate that term but can't think of another one at the moment) as he was going to try and see where things were going to with Brunette. I was devastated to say the least. I had thought there was something more there that couldn't just be "thrown away" like that.

I spent the week thinking (and crying a ton) and resolved to get to the bottom of what the hell was going on and why he did such a thing. I spoke to him a day ago and here's the nitty gritty.

  • He loves me very much. Although the love is very layered because of the secrecy and taboo nature of that love. He did say though, "We've had and built up this relationship together for 7 years. I don't want to lose that. Ever."
  • He is sorry for saying he wanted to end our relationship so abruptly. He wasn't expecting Brunette to respond the way she did and he unintentionally reacted harshly towards me to begin the getting to know one another stage with her.
  • he feels that things of a sexual nature between us will stop for the time being out of respect for Brunette.
  • He wants an open relationship with Brunette so we can keep what we have. He would like to eventually have all four of us (Me, Hubby, Knight, and Brunette) be "together" in some way. But he doesn't know how to bring something like that up without outing himself to her. Because, seriously, that's a lot to handle if you're not particularly inclined to such things.
  • If things go well with Brunette and he finds out she isn't up for an open relationship, he doesn't know what he'll do. (In my opinion, I suppose it means that he would end things with me. He loves me, but she could give him what I "can't")
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Okay...so what should I do? I don't want to see him unhappy and what will make him happy is a real chance to finally have a relationship that he can openly discuss and show to the world. I can understand that, because I've wanted to do that with him for the longest time now. But at the same time, I don't want to lose him to a woman who might not want to share him.

Do I help him see if she's up for an open relationship? If so, when does one typically do that? The beginning? After they've been dating a while? And how does one do that? Do I become friends with her (so that I'm not seen as a threat)? I'm so confused.

Also, since I've been fluid bonded with Knight, isn't that something that Knight should share with Brunette for safety reasons and to just be plain honest and open about past experiences anyway?

Okay I'm finally done...sorry, sorry, sorry it's so long.:(
 
In my opinion, a large part of loving someone is respecting their choices for themself, even if they aren't what we would personally prefer.

He wants this new opportunity. It may mean that your relationship changes. But if the bond, meaning the emotional and mental bond matters to you at all-it's in your best interests to accept that the sexual behavior may be permanently ended.

As my boyfriend would say "it's all about priorities". You can choose to prioritize being able to keep SOMETHING by being willing to accept losing SOMETHING. But you don't get to choose what he is willing to do. If he is willing to risk losing you, that's his choice; not yours.

He's made it clear, this is what he wants to pursue and he doesn't know how it will end up.

Your choice is to accept or bow out now. You don't get a choice about him moving forward. Only about how YOU respond.

If it were me; if the person meant something more to me than just a sexual conquest, I would give up the sex in order to maintain the friendship.
But that's me.
Some people might decide it's too heartrending. In that case, they might bow out in order to avoid all of it.
 
Thanks for responding. :)

I guess the whole sex thing sort of took over my post and I didn't really mean it to. I mean it does matter to me (the sex is excellent), but those encounters are so far and few between (it's always only been 3 maybe 4 times a year).

I guess my bigger fear is that we will lose the strong emotional and mental bonds that we have if he's dating a woman who is closed off to open relationships. But I guess in that case, since I'm certainly not going anywhere, it would be up to him to maintain it if he wants to (am I guessing right?)

And he did ask for help in gauging her positive or negative feelings towards an open relationship. Should I stay out of that or not? I guess that's a huge question I have in this matter as well.
 
I think the best thing to do at this point in time is to give him space to figure it out. Sometimes that is one of the most loving things you can do.

Simplest terms? Being with you is long distance and complicated and you cannot give him some things he wants. Brunette is local, and could. (Wife, kids, being out with that rship, etc)

Dial it down on the sex and BE a friend, a friend you have been all along, right? Trust him to be a friend back.

But since you need your own space to digest changes? Let him sort out his rship with her on her own. Asking you would hardly be objective at this point in time. He can navigate this "get to know you time on his own" and if it looks like she is open to poly, you and your spouse can step into the conversation at THAT point in time.

Galagirl
 
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I agree with GG.
The emotional and mental bond can exist in many forms of relationship. GENERALLY speaking when people aren't open to having "open relationships" it's the sharing of sex that they have a huge issue with.
A close friendship doesn't need to be threatening.
 
Funny you mentioned her being local to him....because she's not. She only lives an hour north of where I live. I totally forgot to include that in the original post.

But I know I've no say in who he chooses to be with in the end. Circumstances make choosing me more difficult when distance is factored along with me being married and having a kid after all. He is willing to deal with the distance with her because she's single.
 
Ah, I though since she was an old friend she was closer. But yes, dating her as a single rather than you as a married with kids is easier on time management at this time.

Galagirl
 
Ah yeah, he has very strong ties to where I live. He went to college here and forged many friendships and relationships over the years. The majority, except a select few of his friends who live here are also mine and Hubby's friends as well.

For a while, before he got his current job he was even trying to find one here.

I just found out that I'm going on a day trip that both Knight and Brunette will be going on too, so that'll be interesting to say the least.

Such is life that things turn out the way they do, I guess. Thanks for all your thoughts and opinions.
 
For a few years while we were in a LDR, I was braced for Mitch (singlish and closeted about our relationship) to find someone who might give him the normal married-with-kids life that he was pretty sure he wanted (and that I already had with Woof). I talked to him about what would make me happiest (him meeting someone poly and us staying as we were - meeting a few times a year) and what would be bittersweet (me having to give him up for him to try "happily ever after" with someone else). We agreed that for him to confine himself to poly people for potential partners wasn't going to fit his way of meeting people. My "rival," should she ever appear, would most likely be mono.

After thinking a lot about it, and digging into my feelings and wants, here is what I decided and told him: "I am happy as we are now. I expect I will always love you, and you will always love me. If you have to not be with me to work on your life goals, I will understand. But please remember I will be available to you if your future wife is open to that, or if that relationship ends. I'm not demanding anything but that you not forget I'm still here for you, whenever."

That was the best I could do - offer him what I had for him, and be sure he understood.

He's no longer in searching-for-a-wife mode -- we've come to treat our relationship as a life-partnership, and we're building a slightly non-traditional family together, after all. But for my own sense of well-being, I remain committed to his freedom to follow something that might be amazing, and my intention to still be here when he comes back, whether in months or decades.

I tell you this story because it sounds like you love Knight in a very complete and enduring way. Do you think you can find a way to really celebrate and articulate that connection, while offering (to him, and also to yourself) total acceptance of something that will keep you from being romantically involved, but might otherwise fulfill his life goals? So much of love is letting go.

I do hope he can tell Brunette about your relationship, and that she will see that you aren't trying to possess him in any way. That might be the best way to convince her that you will never be a threat. I wouldn't try to sound her out or in any way interfere with Knight's responsibility to discuss relationship alternatives with Brunette. That would just seem like scheming together. And for the moment, you don't want to highlight that you've been anything "together." Brunette may not come around to accepting any kind of polyamory, soon or ever, but they will both see how much you love and trust him to seek the best happiness for him. And that is a solid basis for a long-term friendship, at the very least. Good luck!
 
You have to step away and not interfere with his other relationship, in my opinion. Sorry, I know it hurts, but if you truly love him, you need to let go and wish him well. There is nothing else you can do except be there for him as a friend and respect the choice he has made.

In your initial description, you said he is single and wants a family. You had to have known that, at some point, he very possibly would choose a "more appropriate" partner, ie., a woman who isn't married and whom he has to keep secret. Think about it - he wants a committed partner with whom he will be able to walk down the street holding his hand, introduce to his family as more than just a friend, invite to work events, and build a family and home life together with her. You are not that. At least, not now.

Believe me, I know how much this tears at you inside. Life is not about holding onto what was. I had to step back and let go of someone I loved deeply when he chose to move on, and I think you need to, too. We can't force them to change their minds. We can just love them, but not in the same way as before. You will always have the memories. Maybe there is a future for you to be together again, perhaps as a poly quad or some version thereof, but for now he wants to start building a new relationship with someone else and the most loving thing you can do is allow some space for him to do that.
 
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