Hi! I've (35/f) been in a monogamous relationship with my husband (39/m) for about 13 years. Over the past two years, we have been discussing opening up our marriage, but neither of us has taken a step out yet. I am feeling increasingly ready - just nervous! My husband has more interest in swinging, threesomes, and casual encounters, while I am looking for a connection that may turn into more over time. My dream would be for us to form a polycule with an existing couple. While my husband is open to that idea, he thinks it is unrealistic. I say let's see what happens!
We have school-aged children and are very family-oriented with our created family. We live outside of a small, liberal city. We love playing board games, walking around downtown, being outside, easy- to - moderate hiking, car camping, reading and snuggling.
Enough for now?
Just reading what you wrote seems pretty clear that at the PRESENT moment while you both are very interested in opening your marriage, the stated goals and desires out of it appear to be quite different, pretty much the opposite. And not unusual for the two genders to look at it a bit differently. So my fist suggestion to you, if you have not already done it, would be to read two books, MORE THAN TWO and OPENING UP.
I believe the more research you do you will find the following
(1) as has been mentioned here a number of times and you may hear it from others, married women are like "catnip" to men. I can personally attest to that but don't take my word for it. Do your own research. Or just go out to the hottest club you can find and see how many men walk away from you or become uninterested once they find out you are married but able to go out with other men. Then let your husband do the same exercise and compare the results. That means that you are most likely going to have many more opportunities in your new open lifestyle for any type of relationship you want, whether it is hook ups or meaningful emotional relationships. So ask your husband how he is going to feel given his stated desire for casual sex and swinging if he is sitting at home in a relatively short period of time struggling to connect with anyone while you are "dating" and have yourself a boyfriend.
There are some who are going to tell you that's his problem. believe that if you want to but my guess it will become your problem more than likely.
(2) it's probably not a great idea to try to find a couple nor is it easy. And especially to start, you each have no idea what the initial issues may be when it just involves the two of you sorting it out.
(3) you are "anxious but ready. If hubby as enthusiastically ready???? There is a big difference between discussion and actual acting on it. How that is done can have a large impact on your situation.
(4) are there going to be any boundaries??? Now is the time to discuss that, not after something is done that becomes a major issue.
The list could go on, and since you have not really stated how much communication and how specific it is you might want to post more.
But reading your first post, my suggestion to you is that since you most likely will not connect emotionally with the first man you have sex with for a long term relationship, you should try the swingers route. I am saying that because if your husband, who so far just says he wants casual sex for both of you, cannot handle being on the in the same location knowing you are with another man in bed, then how do you think he is going to handle watching you get all dolled up at home and watching you leave for an evening of lust. Testing his mettle so to say will easy easy as well as your reaction. Don't get fixated on labels.
You two have the same general goal of trying to open up your marriage but are on what seems to be on opposite ends of the spectrum as to what that means. i think you need to iron that one out before jumping in.
