New to all of this. Help!

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highwayman82

New member
Hi! My name is Steve.
I've been lurking here for a few days now and you all seem like intelligent and experienced people. I'm hoping someone here can give me some advice on dealing with the situation I'm in right now.

I'll try to tell as condensed a version of the story as I can:
Following the tragic death of a very close friend last December I chose to spend the winter in my home town. I wanted to be present with my grieving circle of friends. During this time I met L, a woman who was also very close with my deceased buddy but that I had never met before. We hit it off very well. We decided to become allies in recovery from alcoholism (our friendships with the person who passed away were also based in recovery) and I ended up staying in her basement for most of the time I spent back home.

A few weeks into this time I found myself developing very strong feelings for L. I agonized over telling her for a few days before deciding that our relationship as allies required total honesty. I was caught completely off guard when she told me that the feeling was mutual. There was a catch though. Her and her primary, while normaly poly, we're experiencing a rough patch in their relationship and we're dealing with it by practicing monogamy for the time being. We ended that conversation with an agreement to pause any romantic involvement and have it to look forward to in the future.

Though navigating the situation was hard and I spent a lot of time dealing with envy, I stayed at L's house for a couple of months. The difficulty in being there was preferable to the longing and distraction I felt when I was anywhere else. The two of us became very close and shared several emotionaly intimate moments. Even though we were both afraid to take it too far these interactions always left me wanting more. As painful as this was at times I did a lot of growing.

It's probably important to mention that none of this was a secret. I even had a one on one conversation with L's partner who was fine with the situation and was actually more concerned with my well being. I promised him that I had no intention on disrespecting their relationship or their current agreement.

I have since returned to the city where I now live and work. I was hoping that some distance would allow all of this to calm down. It hasn't. If anything being away has only increased my longing for her. We text every few days and have a weekly phone call scheduled. This call is supposed to be a recovery check in, but really we just want to talk to each other. Whenever I hear from her I light up like a Christmas tree. I want to send her cute, romantic, or sexy messages but that seems inappropriate right now.
I'm in love, with all the dopamine fueled craziness that comes with it. I haven't felt like this about anyone in years.

All of this felt like it reached a crisis point today. I couldn't stop thinking about her, wishing she was here with me. I had to give up on my to-do list and lay down for most of the afternoon. Several times during the day I came as close to crying as I'm ever able. I don't know how to handle this. I don't want the longing for a relationship that's not even currently possible in another state to cripple the life I am trying to build here, but it seems like it really could. I'm also worried that the stress of this situation will cause both L and I to invest way too much into each other before we can actually be together.

So does anyone have any advice? How do I deal with this relationship that's not a relationship? My main goal is to navigate this time with enough respect and maturity to keep a future relationship with L possible, but how do I take care of myself in the mean time? I considered breaking contact a few times today, but that's actually the last thing I want to do.

Thanks in advance to anyone who chooses to respond.
 
I am sorry you are struggling. But I think you answered yourself already. :eek:

This is your shared agreement with her:

We ended that conversation with an agreement to pause any romantic involvement and have it to look forward to in the future.
Click to expand...

You are not pausing it. You are fueling it on your side.

I could be wrong. And this may not be fun to hear, but this is how it seems to me:

  • Being in close contact fueled the NRE when you were in her basement. You haven't felt this way in years -- though you recognize the NRE brain chemistry going on. Not to mention the grief processing for the loss of a mutual friend. Sometimes grief comes with an intense longing for human connection.

  • You are experiencing withdrawal now that you are back in your home city. You misuse/are tempted to misuse your alcohol recovery calls for lovey stuff so you get another NRE brain hit.

These sound like your goals for yourself:

  • My main goal is to navigate this time with enough respect and maturity to keep a future relationship with L possible, while taking care of myself in the meantime. (Where are you neglecting your self care? Lack of routines? Lack of sleep hygiene?)

  • I don't want the longing for a relationship that's not even currently possible in another state to cripple the life I am trying to build here. (What activities do you like to do when withdrawal thoughts lead to ruminating on her? Or if you are going to ruminate, do you set a time aside to do it in so you can tell yourself "Nope. Not now. At 8-9 PM on friday night is the time for that. Right now is the time for ____.")

  • I'm don't want the stress of this situation to cause me to invest way too much into this before we can actually be together. (How do you monitor yourself so you can guard against that? Check in with a friend, a counselor, journal? How do you normally seek the reality check in other areas of your life?)

You didn't write it like a bullet list, but it seemed pretty clear to me. So I lift it back up for you to read and give you some suggestions in blue.

I am glad you see that the situation may create a false sense of "urgency" that makes you jump to invest sooner than the relationship actually merits.

I suggest you tell her to look you up when she's actually solved her problems with her other relationship. Tell her you are going to dial it back to be respectful so she has space to sort her stuff and so you have space to not be pining.

You seem to prefer "firm stuff" than "up in the air shaky in between" stuff. So you could be decisive.

I suggest you find yourself another recovery buddy that is not her. Then you are not tempted to misuse your recovery calls for something else.

I suggest you go with your solution --

I considered breaking contact a few times today
Click to expand...

If this is what you need at this time in order to be healthy, then you do it even if you do not love it. That is the price of admission right now.

It's like the dentist. I rarely hear of anyone LOVING a cleaning, but they usually go take care of it anyway. The 40-45 min discomfort that is the price of admission for a dental cleaning is worth it because they value taking care of themselves more.

You face some discomfort here putting this "on pause" as you let the NRE withdrawal work its way out and settle back down after being ruffled up. You could remind yourself that "on pause" is not never.

I think the discomfort of NRE withdrawal could be worth it for you if it leads to a calmer "live my normal life while waiting to hear." You could also set your upper limit because you are not going to wait 50 years to hear from her, right? Set a date for yourself and if you have not heard from her, you move on.

A time and place for everything, and everything in its time and place. This is not the time to launch this relationship. You both agree to that. You guys are both willing to see if anything can happen later, but not yet ABLE. It is not the time.

So rather than hang on and create your pining away situation, you could let it go so you can create some relief space for you instead. Stop the behaviors that lead to pining (ex: the calls) and do other behaviors instead. If you are lonely, go mingle with friends, participate in your home community somewhere, etc. If you find you need extra grief support -- seek a counselor.

Get on with the taking care of you part. YKWIM? I hope in time you feel better.

GL!

Galagirl
 
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Thanks Galagirl.

You're right, aren't you? I've read enough about the brain chemistry involved in NRE to know that it functions the same way and in the same space as addiction. So that's what I'm dealing with, withdrawal and craving. If it was any other substance I'd know that the thing to do is to stay away.
Are there resources for NRE withdrawal? He said with a *smirk* as though he wasn't about to Google it.

Rational mind gets it. Emotional mind is in the back of the room, jumping up and down and screaming, "No! Any other way!" I feel sick just thinking about it.

Thank you for your suggestions in blue. I especially like the idea of setting aside time for these feelings and not engaging them until that time.

How is this affecting my self care? I can't sleep or fully focus on anything. Every time the phone makes a noise I hope it's her. I'm having trouble finding any interest to leave the house and I've been irritable with my roommates.

What I don't like most of all is not knowing where the boundaries are. While we were in the same house we both had our guard up, careful not to let anything go too far. When I left I think we both felt that it was safer now to be more open with our feelings. We say "I miss you," and "I love you," several times in every conversation. I feel like it would be ok if we could label this an LDR and do the LDR stuff, but as it stands I'm always worried that I've crossed a line somewhere.

Our weekly call is tomorrow night. I will talk to her about these things. I don't know if I'm ready to pull the bandaid just yet, but I will tell her that I'm thinking no contact is the best option right now. It may not sound like it, but I hear you and I'm taking this seriously. Ultimately I am responsible for my own well being first.

I have other recovery allies and support people. So does she. My sobriety is almost the only thing I feel solid about these days. What made this particular alliance special (before we started having feelings for each other) was the connection we had in our deceased friend. If only for that I hope it won't be long before we can communicate again.
At her request I haven't been processing any of this stuff with my support people who are also mutual friends of ours. I think I'm going to re-open that conversation when we talk tomorrow as well.

Thank you again.
 
Glad it helped some.

I feel like it would be ok if we could label this an LDR and do the LDR stuff, but as it stands I'm always worried that I've crossed a line somewhere.
Click to expand...

Probably because you ARE crossing lines. If the agreement is to postpone lovey, dovey.... what are you guys doing with the "I miss you/I love you" lovey dovey behavior on the the phone? Neither of you sounds like you are keeping the agreement.That behavior is leading you to pining away too.

You could clarify to yourself that this is not a long distance romance at this point in time. It has not even been launched. Pull back some if you are worried about investing prematurely. Could remind yourself this is a potential currently put on hold. Exercise self discipline and boundaries. If she goes off into lovey dovey, ask if things with her and her other partner are sorted out now and she is free to date you. If not, ask her to stop blurring lines. It is not kind.

You are not in the basement any more but could practice restraint anyway because this is NOT the time. And being loosey goosey about it is leading to discomfort for you.

At her request she does not want you to process what with your other people? Your grief for the dead friend? Your recovery stuff? That you have a crush on her? I am not clear. What is the reason for this request?

I hope the call goes well and that no contact helps you keep your shared agreement better so you can have some relief.

Galagirl
 
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I can hear your tone all the way across the internet. I'm being stupid. I know. I appreciate you engaging in what must be an exasperating conversation.

No we're not keeping to the agreement, and we haven't for some time. We tried to but close quarters in an intense time (grief and recovery processing) caused us to escalate emotionaly several times. Neither of us intended to, it just happened.
Part of me wants to say, "you're not being emotionally monogamous, so why not reevaluate?" but that is not my place. That feels way way out of line.

There are people within our circle, one in particular that I have been close friends with for several years, who I would like to process this romance stuff with. This person and I work through a lot of other stuff together. L, however, is nervous about this person knowing what's going on between the two of us because she is concerned about how this person will view her.
Like I said, I'm going to reopen that conversation. I want the support of my long time friends. I've been working through this with friends I have where I'm living now, but it's different with folks who've known you forever.

Thanks again.
 
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I can hear your tone all the way across the internet. I'm being stupid. I know. I appreciate you engaging in what must be an exasperating conversation.
Click to expand...

If you would like to know how I feel about something, please ask directly rather than put you down calling yourself stupid and your conversation exasperating. What's with talking down about yourself? :(

I am not exasperated. I also do not think you are stupid. I think you are struggling. I think you are trying to meet some goals for yourself so you can feel better.

I could be wrong. But to me you sound like YOU don't much like how you feel (and label it stupid.) And YOU feel exasperated by this situation. (That you want to proceed in the romance, and this agreement to postpone that is blocking/frustrating you.)

If the agreement no longer fits you, how does being silent about it help you feel better or advance?

I think it IS your place to address this because this shared agreement is partially yours. And you are supposed to participate in its upkeep. If you are no longer willing or able to keep it up, speak up and say so. Your "willing and able" belongs to you. You are allowed to stop participating in things that no longer longer fit you.

It is totally ok for you to say "Hey...We promised to postpone. Neither of us is actually doing that. I feel uncomfortable being silent on that. I no longer intend to keep it. I would like to advance to dating you. I am willing and able at this time to go there. What do you want? What are you willing and able to do at this point in time? Have you sorted things out with your other partner or is that still pending?"

  • If she is now free to date you, move on to dating.
  • If she is NOT free to date you, could ask when she plans to have this conversation with her other partner so you can be informed.
  • If she is not willing to clarify that, break it off and move on. Cuz stringing you along indefinitely is not kind on her part. And you investing energy in a "not actually going anywhere" relationship is not helping you get un-frustrated.

I get that these things are hard to feel. But the actions for what to do seem straight forward to me.

I think you could get the reality check from your other friend. You sound like you need it. L can ask you to do something, but you are free to say yes or no. I would say no. Let L deal with her fears.

  • Your emotional management is your job.
  • L's emotional management is her job.

You shrinking yourself or going without just so L does not have to do her job? That does not sound great for you. And if L is starting to say she loves you... Is it loving behavior or kind behavior to ask you to do that? To go without friend support at a time when you need it? How is that you taking care of you? (Taking care of you is a goal you have.)

I am hoping you sort this all out and move on to dating L. But if it turns out that it just isn't a match... I think it is better to know sooner rather than later so you can support your goal of not investing here prematurely.

Stick to all your goals.

Hang in there!

Galagirl
 
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I hear you. I apologize for putting words in your mouth. It won't happen again. I don't think I am stupid. I think I've been behaving stupidly. What I am is inexperienced, and that's ok.

I can't say enough how I appreciate your help here. I feel like I have enough clarity now to enter into this conversation without flailing. Thank you.

I wish I could carry this on without a flash point. That feels like it could be... manipulative on my part, but I'm not able to do this anymore. I'm hurting badly and I have to speak up about that.

I need either to be able to proceed with a relationship in some way that feels defined and ok, or I need to put the brakes on and take some time to heal. I don't want to present that as an ultimatum, but it's a place to start.

It doesn't feel right or fair to push the two of them in their process just so I can be included, but neither is it fair or right for me to be waiting in this confusing limbo. I do genuinely hope, for their sake, that they work their problems out. I meant it when I told them both that I had no desire to damage their ongoing relationship.
I don't believe that they are ready to open back up right now. I'm going into this expecting that I will probably have to walk away. That really sucks, but ultimately it's for the best.
 
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Not a prob and no hard feelings. I just like being clear.

It is ok to be inexperienced. It is not ok to call yourself names.

You stating what you are and are not willing to do at this time is giving clear communication about your personal limitations/preferences. She cannot mind reader you.

What is the flash point? :confused: I do not see what you mean by that. Do you mean she has volatile temper?

Giving clear communication to me is not an ultimatum like "do this or else I retaliate!" like a threat or war. It is also not manipulative. It might feel uncomfortable to speak "direct and up front" if you are not used to it. But being assertive and clear is not the same as being aggressive. It is just letting people know where you are at. It does not have to be a big deal.

Asking for clear info like where things stand is not pushing them to do anything. That too does not have to be a big deal. Like...

Is the bus moving or stopped? You are not telling the bus drivers what to do or how to do it. You just want to know where the bus is so you can adjust your own path.

Glad to help. I hope your talk clears things up so you can feel better.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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Well hell. There it is. I asked her where we were at and I pointed out that neither of us were keeping to our original agreement. She said she needed to dial our romantic involvement back and I told her that I needed to break contact for awhile. She said ok, that I should take care of me.
That's done and I feel awful about it.

We made plans to check in on my recovery anniversary in about a month. I don't expect their situation to be different by then, but I'm hoping I can be in a better place.

I also told her that I was going to process with our mutual friend. She didn't have words at the time for why that made her feel bunchy, but she understood why it was important to me.

I'd say it went as well as it could. Now there's just dealing with it.

Thanks again for all your help.
 
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Glad it went ok.

I am sorry you feel awful though.

Processing with your friend could be good.

Taking a time out for a month with no contact so you can feel better during the wait and enable you to meet your goals is good.

Taking a time out so she can focus on what she needs to be doing to become more able to date you is not a bad thing either.

I hope next month when you guys check in there is some progress in the way you would like.

Hang in there!
Galagirl
 
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Doing the right thing feels shitty sometime, doesn't it highwayman82? My sympathies.

I do think that while a romantic relationship may never fully develop with her, what you are doing now - not holding on, not be becoming more emotionally entangled, taking care of yourself - gives you both the best shot of someday having the relationship you want (maybe with her, maybe someone else).
 
Hello highwayman82,

I'm a little late on the scene, but thought I'd add a suggestion. Is there anything fun you can do, something you enjoy, to occupy some of your spare time? If there is, it might help you be able to not dwell as much on L and how things are with her. A sport or a hobby, maybe something where there's a local club/team you could join to get you out of the house.

Of course I personally like reading/posting on Polyamory.com and consider that a perfectly legitimate pastime. :) Or calling in life, at least at the moment!

I sympathize with you and know you are going through some hard times. Alas that there is no cure for NRE! You'll just have to wait it out. A month of no-contact should help but certainly won't be easy.

We're here to help and listen in any case.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks all. I appreciate that.

There's a line in one of my favorite books that says, "there's nothing more to do, only much to be endured. "
It's not like I'm the first person ever with a broken heart.

The weather is finally starting to turn so I'll be out on my bike soon.
 
There you go. I know by experience that bike-riding can give one a wonderful sense of freedom.

And I'll still hold out hope L and her primary get things worked out so you can have that relationship after all.
 
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