New to non-monog & struggling with best friend in the picture

[Dri]

Hi,

Im 36(F) and my partner of 4 years, John, is 30(M). We have a wonderful relationship and are both committed to open and honest communication.

We’ve been open (new for both of us), at least in theory, since we started dating in 2020, but didn’t have much practice with that because of COVID. Over the past year and a half, we’ve had some fun hookups together with my best friend Emmy (35F). This is our first foray into openness. Emmy and John would like to hook up and go on some dates (without me), and I’m feeling totally overwhelmed by that.

Some background : About a year ago, the two of them snuck off to make out while we were all at a friends house hanging out. We talked about it and I told them I wasn’t comfortable with it because it felt sneaky to me. We all agreed this was a boundary for me that they would respect. A few months later, they did the same thing after a night of drinking while I was in the other room talking with Emmy’s partner. They both apologized profusely. After that I took some space from Emmy, which wasn’t easy because she is my best friend and lifeline, and we’ve slowly repaired and things are feeling good between us again.

Emmy and John are very attracted to each other and want to pursue an FWB sort of situation. Emmy is in a companionate relationship that is basically sexless, and she’s very keen on the idea of having John as a safe and comfortable person to pursue a sexual relationship with (and her partner is totally fine with it).

In theory I want them to be free to have fun together, but MAN I just feel so uncomfortable with it all. And I feel a lot of shame around this discomfort.

Is it reasonable that I keep my best friend on the messy list? Am I right that it’s maybe an advanced poly thing to let your partner date your best friend, and it’s ok that I’m not quite there yet? My thoughts are that it would be wise to get some other experience under our belts before considering this relationship again… but I just feel a lot of guilt!

Any advice form you fine folks would be so appreciated <3

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Dri,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you want to be supportive of John and Emmy, but you are having some struggles with it, in part because they snuck around on you in the past. It is perfectly normal and reasonable for you to have these feelings, given that history. And maybe you feel like that now, instead of a friend, Emmy is going to be a metamour to you. It is okay to keep Emmy on your messy list, for that reason, although it will be hard for John and Emmy to take that step backwards in their relationship. Maybe you could just try this relationship later, after you and John have had some other poly experience.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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