New to poly, advice please?

K

KayleeFrye

New member
I have never had a non-monogamous relationship before. My husband and I recently made friends with a new couple, and after it came up in conversation that they were poly, I started to feel an attraction to them. I talked to my husband about it and he decided he was okay with us becoming poly (although he's not interested in the couple in question). So a few days ago, after they mentioned they were looking for a third person, I told them how I felt. Now we have plans to get together this week and have The Discussion (talk about how we all feel about it, what we expect, etc.). I'm really nervous about it and I was just wondering if anyone could give me a better idea of what to expect. General idea is fine, but I wouldn't mind hearing about personal experiences either.
 
Expect trouble from your husband. He may have the idea that poly means you should be only involved in relationships that he is part of. For example another couple he does approve of. Many new poly couples approach it from a swingers mentality where lovers are shared instead of venturing out separately and exercising their autonomy.
 
Thanks for your input. When we discussed it, he seemed fine with me being with this couple. So hopefully it won't cause the problem you mentioned.
 
Hi KayleeFrye,

During the discussion with this couple, you might want to make sure they're not "unicorn hunters." See So, somebody called you a Unicorn Hunter? That should give you your main ideas of what to ask them about.

And of course, continue learning all you can about polyamory in general, starting with this forum.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks for your input, Kevin. I've read that article before, and I reread it just now, but I'm still not 100% sure how to tell if they are Unicorn Hunters. Some of the things the article talked about, I already know don't apply with them. Others, I'm not sure about yet. Are there any specific questions I should ask to find out if they are? That article was written more towards UHs themselves; are there any other articles that would be written more towards someone in my position? And what if I find out they do have some UH traits, but I still think I want to give this a try? Is that a bad idea?
 
KayleeFrye said:
Thanks for your input, Kevin. I've read that article before, and I reread it just now, but I'm still not 100% sure how to tell if they are Unicorn Hunters. Some of the things the article talked about, I already know don't apply with them. Others, I'm not sure about yet. Are there any specific questions I should ask to find out if they are? That article was written more towards UHs themselves; are there any other articles that would be written more towards someone in my position? And what if I find out they do have some UH traits, but I still think I want to give this a try? Is that a bad idea?
Click to expand...

Well, for one, they know you are married. Most unicorn hunters are looking for a single bisexual woman and expect her to remain exclusive to them.
 
I'd advise you to go into it without a lot of skepticism. Yes, it's good to be informed and you've read that article on the dreaded unicorn hunters, so just go forward and experience them as people. Your intuition will tell you everything you need to know. As Mighty Max has mentioned, the fact that you're married means that they very likely just enjoy you for being you and don't view you as someone for their "use." Being open to the good in people is the wisest approach, in my experience. Enjoy them and make choices depending on how you feel while in their company. Your intuition will tell you everything you need to know, and pretty early on, if you listen to it.
 
Thanks MightyMax and Karen. I really needed the reassurance about trusting my intuition, in particular. They have been great friends since before they knew I was even an option for dating, and they seem like really caring people in general. I wouldn't have gone out of my way to let them know I was interested if I wasn't convinced they were worth all the effort and risk. And so far they have been very concerned about my needs and even my husband's needs in this situation. So I don't think they are the kind of people who would take advantage of me in any way. :)
 
Sounds good, Kaylee. I am seeing a couple, as well, and it's one of the smoothest, most consistent and emotionally positive experiences I have known. Everything depends on the individuals involved and what they bring to the table. I'd be very interested to hear more of your story as it unfolds.
 
Hi Kaylee,

I don't know of any specific resources for sniffing out UH's, and I don't know what questions to ask. I suppose you could ask if they have a veto policy, that might be one yellow light.

I also know that "More than Two: a practical guide to ethical polyamory," by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert, is a really good book on poly in general, and I'm thinking it has more UH info but I'm not quite sure.

Basically I think the others' advice is sufficient. You get to know the couple better as people/individuals, and trust your intuition. The important thing is just that they treat you kindly and fairly.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Well, I am straight and solo, but whenever I am considering dating someone who is married or partnered, I usually ask if he and his partner(s) have any rules between them that will affect me. That can be a good question to get the ball rolling to find out how they "do poly" and see if it meshes with the vision you have for yourself. It would also be a good idea to know what your personal boundaries are, as in what you will not accept or tolerate in relationships.

Then, yeah, trust your gut!
 
Thanks nycindie! We were actually right in the middle of the discussion when you posted your reply, and it went really well! ^_^
 
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