New to poly and in DESPERATE need of outside perspective

clemenC

Member
I'm super into typology so for those unaware of such, just ignore those details. For those familiar, it'll help paint a deeper understanding of my point of reference here.

Long story short to the best of my ability:

I'm an INFJ in her mid thirties. Serendipity strikes and I meet an irl INTP and we truly are the "golden pair" they speak of, between two healthy mature types. He's younger than I by 10 years which is not a problem for either of us. But may be a factor to consider in the equation.

For the last 6 months (before I came on the scene), he's been seeing an ENFP, (and again, these details just help with whomever is familiar enough to get the gist of the dynamics between the parties involved).

He was married and divorced quite young and I often wonder if his engagement with the poly lifestyle thus far has been more about NOT being emotionally available unbeknownst to him. What I mean by that is, we all have different styles of coping and life strategies in response to those experiences we've coped with. So with that in mind I think, it's pretty hard to be emotionally vulnerable in great depths if you have a backup person ... however, please note that I am not minimizing the experiences of seasoned polyamorous people here, please understand I'm just speculating.

Now, the ENFP is his "primary" (and he sees her about 4-6 times a week) and he's spoken of another experience he's had where he had two primaries, so I know that's what he's trying for ... Note that, I KNOW we have a deep connection evolving and I do not doubt his sincerity to me. However, he is at an arms length because he's already involved with her (if anything else, time wise). So whether he would like to admit this or not, I am the secondary.

Now, we are both introverts and so don't really talk or text between our dates, and when I date, I generally do not need that daily talk/text even though it would be nice and welcome (because I like him so much, lol).

anyways, I'm starting to feel very frustrated (not sexually, but mentally).

Historically I have always been that mono female who enjoys the mono style relationship where I have his heart and mind, but casual sex on the side is no problem for me if that's the other persons need. But here, in the current situation, I am not experiencing that. In actuality, I am beginning to feel like this "side girl". Like, I'm playing second fiddle .... and fuck that. I just don't know what to do with 'that'.

So here are my options (as far as I can see thus far).

Option 1: I can drop him and just chalk it up to an experience and move on. Which, while I will be emotionally pained, I've had SO much experience in life that unfortunately, life is no longer as romanticized as it once was ... I'll survive.

Option 2: I can start to date other people in order to find MY primary since I am his secondary (whether he wants to admit it or not). However, I genuinely do not have time for that. Nor do I have the emotional needs to mentally bond with multiple people in a romantic way. I literally will be doing it for the sake of finding my primary relationship, and the INTP will be taking the second seat, which knowing me, means he'll end up being friend zoned inevitably. Note that this option just makes me feel sad. :(

Option 3: I can communicate to him that I am not okay with being secondary and I KNOW, while he feels the connection like I'm a primary, he does not have the time, literally, to be carrying on as such to improve the situation. Which is to say, I would be asking him to make the ENFP secondary. Which is both (possibly) unrealistic, unfair ... and not sexy. It's a turn off even to me to put someone in that position. I don't like ultimatums and I don't think it's reasonable to place them on other people. However, on the flip side, it is being fair by providing him with a choice as opposed to making a choice for him.

*sigh* ... I'm so tired of thinking of this sticky situation and trying to make sense of it all. I really hope people will respectfully reply (and NOT derail the conversation from it's initial intent)....

What do you think?

He's younger, and in a way more sensitive (in a way that I'm not) when it comes to emotional connection and knowing that, just makes me feel bad. I honestly don't know what to do.:(

It's truly a magical passionate and intellectually satisfying, intense connection. Those are SO rare and hard to come by in between all the other modes of "life" , like earning a living and tending to other relationships with friends and family.

I sincerely don't know what to do. :confused:

Regardless, even if you don't know what to say, I appreciate you taking the time to listen and/or respond. Thank you. <3

- CC
 
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You seem to have a clear idea about what you want and what you are looking for.

I suggest talking about this with him. Let him know what you re looking for and what needs of yours are not being met.

After that he may change his behaviors or he may not, but then it can be a discussion. In the end you two may not want or need the same thing and that might just be an area that you are incompatible with. From your post it seems like this is a need for you in a relationship, so if he is not willing or able to meet this need them perhaps it would be best to seek someone who could.

Or perhaps he is willing to change the situation so that your needs are getting met. You won't know if you don't talk to him.

It also might be worth unpacking the words "primary" and "secondary" and figure out what they mean to you. People often use that language as a shortcut. Is it about time commitment? Life entanglement? Power differences?

Are you looking to be co primarys? Are you looking for poly? Are you looking for open? Just sex on the side? Is this compatible with what he wants? Is this feasible? (Does he have time for two primaries?)
 
I would write down a list of my "needs" and "desires", then reflect on it for a day or two and add/remove/amend/switch columns as necessary.

Once you feel grounded in what you need from the relationship in order to carry on, then invite him over for a glass of wine and look over the list together in a non-threatening, relaxed way. It is easy for the conversation to get hard if the partner perceives demands or ultimatums. I tend to take the approach of "hey, so I was doing some reflecting, and this is what I learned about myself, neat hey?" Looking at it together, as a team.

Then, he can decide if he can offer you what you need. It is also a good chance for him to express what he needs from you, too.

For example, what do you need from him to make this relationship feel good? Do you need to see him X times per week? Hear from him each day? Feel considered in his decision making? Be invited to family gatherings?

Aside from the uneven time sharing, is there anything else that could help you feel more "even" as a primary partner in his life?

There are five ways people give & receive love - quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, gifts, and physical touch. Maybe check in with each of those things and see if you are feeling loved in each department (some will feel more important for you than others).

The needs are the dealbreakers - if he can't meet your needs, you won't ever feel satisfied or happy in the relationship. Desires are, well, nice - and would bring enrichment and joy to the relationship, but are not dealbreakers. (For me, if only my bare minimum needs were being met, and none of my listed desires were being met, I still might consider it to be not a right fit. I need to sense my partner wants my happiness, and that there is a culture of belonging, generosity and love)

Good luck. I hope it works out for you and that good communication solves the concerns. Keep us posted!
 
This is just off the top of my head, not some deeply considered reply so sorry for any misunderstanding.

First thing, this sounds like a new relationship, and though you have been around the block enough to know what's what, you are likely deep in New Relationship Energy land. I know how that feels when you maybe feel you are past all that and suddenly here is someone who practically glows in your eyes. It could be the amazing match it seems, or it could just be chemicals sloshing through your system, messing with your mind no matter how grounded you are trying to be.

NRE can make things feel more urgent than they are because the feeling is so big and wonderful. If this is a good connection and someone you enjoy, go ahead and enjoy. Try not to get too hung up on the primary, secondary thing. The relationships are still evolving and you don't know what will be going on in another few months.

That having been said, if this is seriously messing with your emotions and ability to function, and conversations with him do not produce a tenable agreement, then you may have to decide that you need more than he can provide in a romantic relationship and take a break from him so you can step it back to friendship.

Leetah

Oh! and if you want to read threads of cheerful mono/poly relationships you could look through the Lifestories and Blogs.
 
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*sigh* ... I'm so tired of thinking of this sticky situation and trying to make sense of it all.

Option 4: Know that we generally don't think our way out of emotionally wrenching situations. This isn't something that can be solved with intellect, but instead will unfold. The more that you can find ways to feel better anyway, no matter the logic, the more that things loosen up and solutions can find their way in. Applying more and more "think" to this is going to give you more anxiety and frustration. Finding ways to feel peaceful and relaxed, no matter the outer circumstances, allows for movement, surprisingly pleasant assistance and all kinds of unforeseen answers.


Now, we are both introverts and so don't really talk or text between our dates, and when I date, I generally do not need that daily talk/text even though it would be nice and welcome (because I like him so much, lol).
Being introverted doesn't mean that you don't want to be in close touch with loved ones, it just means that you need quite a bit of alone time and recharge your batteries that way. An introvert needs as much talking and texting as that individual introvert needs. This is a huge component of compatibility: how much and what kind of ongoing intimate contact you each want. Introversion really isn't a factor in this aspect of your relationship.
 
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Polyamory does not automatically require a primary and secondary. A hierachy is not necessary at all. Best to simply figure out if you are satisfied with how things are going and if your personal boundaries are respected, WITHOUT COMPARING your relationship with him to his other relationship(s) with anyone else. Focus on your own relationship, judge it on its own merits. Your metamour's relationships have no bearing on yours. If you are not satisfied or feeling disrespected, you can either ask for things to change or walk away, but none of this needs to depend upon being awarded the bogus title of "primary." Ack.
 
Polyamory does not automatically require a primary and secondary. A hierachy is not necessary at all. Best to simply figure out if you are satisfied with how things are going and if your personal boundaries are respected, WITHOUT COMPARING your relationship with him to his other relationship(s) with anyone else. Focus on your own relationship, judge it on its own merits. Your metamour's relationships have no bearing on yours. If you are not satisfied or feeling disrespected, you can either ask for things to change or walk away, but none of this needs to depend upon being awarded the bogus title of "primary." Ack.

True. I think the reason I got caught up in the first place is because he made a point several times to say how he allocates his time to whomever is more important to him. What am I supposed to do with that? I don't experience things the same way. I can go weeks at a time and not talk to someone who is the most special person in my heart and pick things back up. Then he made a point of mentioning she's there 4-6 times a week. That info came up in response to a story about how his neighbor complained to management that they were too loud. I don't want to hear that. Not that I have feelings of jealously but rather, I make a HUGE point to perceive other people's emotional needs and I would never go out of my way to put that in someone's face. I found it dreadfully immature (probably his only moment of that) due to its disrespectful nature ...

there is a generation gap (social conditioning) here too which may be at play. For example, if your partner needs sex on the side, I come from a generation that says, respect me enough to keep it on the downlow .. I don't need the neighbors judging me (that's hurtful to put someone in that position just for the sake of sexual release).

anyways, those things really bothered me and I plan on saying something but also, I don't want to be accusatory (since these are merely my perceptions and feelings on the events as opposed to the almighty objective reality, chances are, he probably wasn't even aware).

sorry if this is lengthy. I guess that's where the infatuation with the labels came from because before that, it was like non existent.
 
Option 4: Know that we generally don't think our way out of emotionally wrenching situations. This isn't something that can be solved with intellect, but instead will unfold. The more that you can find ways to feel better anyway, no matter the logic, the more that things loosen up and solutions can find their way in. Applying more and more "think" to this is going to give you more anxiety and frustration. Finding ways to feel peaceful and relaxed, no matter the outer circumstances, allows for movement, surprisingly pleasant assistance and all kinds of unforeseen answers.



Being introverted doesn't mean that you don't want to be in close touch with loved ones, it just means that you need quite a bit of alone time and recharge your batteries that way. An introvert needs as much talking and texting as that individual introvert needs. This is a huge component of compatibility: how much and what kind of ongoing intimate contact you each want. Introversion really isn't a factor in this aspect of your relationship.

thanks for the sweet reply :)

Not all introverts are the same (as with extroverts). Some are very social oriented with gossip (not to be used with negative connotation) and others abhor gossip and small chat. some introverts are more in touch with the feels and others not. I tend to always pair with rationals (on the mbti spectrum) or if you don't like that framework, because some types are prone to rebel being "fit into a box". then think of it as I'm holding a bunch of maps and I find that every time I visit certain parts of the globe, I have the best connections.


anyways, that said .. please know that not all people experience their emotions the same as it is with sexuality.. I think my feelings. I do not understand (nor can handle in depth) certain temperments that are overly emotional in nature. They're amazing and I love them but that's a very hard relationship to sustain, even if just friends. I analyze because that's how I think. I tend to be drawn to emotionally charged contents and social frameworks to study but I think of this content, not feel it ... I experience conscious empathy. I am not going to literally feel your pain and that does not mean I am less then or better than. Everyone is different ...

and so I guess I do hope you understand that not all advice is for all people because not everyone experiences emotions in the same way much like the experience of a persons personal sexuality ... make sense? :)
 
This is just off the top of my head, not some deeply considered reply so sorry for any misunderstanding.

First thing, this sounds like a new relationship, and though you have been around the block enough to know what's what, you are likely deep in New Relationship Energy land. I know how that feels when you maybe feel you are past all that and suddenly here is someone who practically glows in your eyes. It could be the amazing match it seems, or it could just be chemicals sloshing through your system, messing with your mind no matter how grounded you are trying to be.

NRE can make things feel more urgent than they are because the feeling is so big and wonderful. If this is a good connection and someone you enjoy, go ahead and enjoy. Try not to get too hung up on the primary, secondary thing. The relationships are still evolving and you don't know what will be going on in another few months.

That having been said, if this is seriously messing with your emotions and ability to function, and conversations with him do not produce a tenable agreement, then you may have to decide that you need more than he can provide in a romantic relationship and take a break from him so you can step it back to friendship.

Leetah

Oh! and if you want to read threads of cheerful mono/poly relationships you could look through the Lifestories and Blogs.

no apologies necessary! your response was the most direct and level headed and you're so right ... I am getting carried away getting into thinking about all these things because I'm so into him, when really ... I'm in that honeymoon phases LOL!! Damn. I hate when that happens when you don't catch the obvious :p

Let's see if I'm still "struggling" in a few months. ;)

Thank you.
 
I would write down a list of my "needs" and "desires", then reflect on it for a day or two and add/remove/amend/switch columns as necessary.

Once you feel grounded in what you need from the relationship in order to carry on, then invite him over for a glass of wine and look over the list together in a non-threatening, relaxed way. It is easy for the conversation to get hard if the partner perceives demands or ultimatums. I tend to take the approach of "hey, so I was doing some reflecting, and this is what I learned about myself, neat hey?" Looking at it together, as a team.

Then, he can decide if he can offer you what you need. It is also a good chance for him to express what he needs from you, too.

For example, what do you need from him to make this relationship feel good? Do you need to see him X times per week? Hear from him each day? Feel considered in his decision making? Be invited to family gatherings?

Aside from the uneven time sharing, is there anything else that could help you feel more "even" as a primary partner in his life?

There are five ways people give & receive love - quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, gifts, and physical touch. Maybe check in with each of those things and see if you are feeling loved in each department (some will feel more important for you than others).

The needs are the dealbreakers - if he can't meet your needs, you won't ever feel satisfied or happy in the relationship. Desires are, well, nice - and would bring enrichment and joy to the relationship, but are not dealbreakers. (For me, if only my bare minimum needs were being met, and none of my listed desires were being met, I still might consider it to be not a right fit. I need to sense my partner wants my happiness, and that there is a culture of belonging, generosity and love)

Good luck. I hope it works out for you and that good communication solves the concerns. Keep us posted!


SUPER AWESOME SUGGESTIONS!! ... For me at least. However here I've been trying to enjoy the moments because I'm often so serious! hahaha, but maybe you're right. maybe it's okay to just be the serious me (for now).

He's a "in the now" type of person which is good for me but I think maybe my needs are falling by the way side trying to keep up with that mode of being. :/
 
It also might be worth unpacking the words "primary" and "secondary" and figure out what they mean to you. People often use that language as a shortcut. Is it about time commitment? Life entanglement? Power differences?

Are you looking to be co primarys? Are you looking for poly? Are you looking for open? Just sex on the side? Is this compatible with what he wants? Is this feasible? (Does he have time for two primaries?)

I think I'll fit this in our next convo with my lists in hand hahaha, then who knows, he'll be booking for the door! :p

really though, I appreciate these questions. because I need to learn what these things are for me as well as have a deeper understanding what they are for him too. really, people are so complicated and two persons working together is even more complicated, how does anyone enjoy poly relationships (by making it all more complicated than it is already!). :rolleyes:
 
there is a generation gap (social conditioning) here too which may be at play.

I'm not sure that I'd describe a 10 year age gap as a generation gap. Unless you are both very young, he's 16 and you are 26 say, there are unlikely to be major differences. I have friends 20 years older than me and friends 20 years younger - doesn't make all that much difference.

For example, if your partner needs sex on the side, I come from a generation that says, respect me enough to keep it on the downlow .. I don't need the neighbors judging me (that's hurtful to put someone in that position just for the sake of sexual release).

Maybe poly is a good thing to consider on your journey. Keeping additional partners on the side and hidden out of respect for the 'proper' relationship is a common thing that happens. It's also a really horrible way to treat the additional partners. They become reduced to something like a living sex toy.

Good if you find you have a reason to explore ridding yourself of those feelings about how other people can be treated.

When the discussions came up between my partner and I there wasn't anybody else involved. We had both been single for some time when we started to see each other.

My partner prefers to be poly or open and we talked about how that might work for us. After a year or so I came to the conclusion that it wouldn't work for me.

One of the things that I came up against repeatedly is that we are both busy with our lives. Neither of us want to drop anything from them. We regularly struggle to find time to be together. Neither of us is willing to do additional work to figure out how others may fit into that or to look for people who would be a good fit.

My partner would have been okay with having some casual relationships - but I wasn't. I didn't want to be the block that prevented relationships from growing or the reason given for lack of time. I didn't want some woman to be told that he didn't have time to be a partner for her because I was his partner (that happened at one point and it was hurtful for her even though she knew about me before they had sex. She was sad afterward when he didn't want to continue a relationship. I was upset that somebody else had been hurt just because of my presence).

I offered to go back to being friends to allow him to find somebody more tolerant of his preferred way of doing relationships but he decided he'd rather be mono with me than be friends and so that's what we decided to do. :)
 
I'm not sure that I'd describe a 10 year age gap as a generation gap. Unless you are both very young, he's 16 and you are 26 say, there are unlikely to be major differences. I have friends 20 years older than me and friends 20 years younger - doesn't make all that much difference.



Maybe poly is a good thing to consider on your journey. Keeping additional partners on the side and hidden out of respect for the 'proper' relationship is a common thing that happens. It's also a really horrible way to treat the additional partners. They become reduced to something like a living sex toy.

Good if you find you have a reason to explore ridding yourself of those feelings about how other people can be treated.

When the discussions came up between my partner and I there wasn't anybody else involved. We had both been single for some time when we started to see each other.

My partner prefers to be poly or open and we talked about how that might work for us. After a year or so I came to the conclusion that it wouldn't work for me.

One of the things that I came up against repeatedly is that we are both busy with our lives. Neither of us want to drop anything from them. We regularly struggle to find time to be together. Neither of us is willing to do additional work to figure out how others may fit into that or to look for people who would be a good fit.

My partner would have been okay with having some casual relationships - but I wasn't. I didn't want to be the block that prevented relationships from growing or the reason given for lack of time. I didn't want some woman to be told that he didn't have time to be a partner for her because I was his partner (that happened at one point and it was hurtful for her even though she knew about me before they had sex. She was sad afterward when he didn't want to continue a relationship. I was upset that somebody else had been hurt just because of my presence).

I offered to go back to being friends to allow him to find somebody more tolerant of his preferred way of doing relationships but he decided he'd rather be mono with me than be friends and so that's what we decided to do. :)
Keeping on the down low was reference to my potential partners additional hookups or fwb situations where there's no romance per se. I'm incredibly aware and sensitive to other people's feelings only that I'm at a point in my life where I need to take great care of my feelings as I do others (I don't feel them right away, often times, there's a delay and I'll think, hey! I think this upsets me). I realize that sounds weird.

Anyways, I also don't find the age thing a problem. What I meant was that for him at 25, his peers are a lot more accepting and nonjudgmental than my age group and I am sensitive to that reality. In truth, I'm just not resilient enough to take the criticism or social scrutiny. And before you judge me for that, know that as a single parent I consider other angles that have nothing to do with me. It's a poor life strategy to blow a horn that I'm me and special and everyone should tolerate my edgy beliefs and/or paradigms. It puts me in a position where I pigeon hold myself preventing bonds to be created for business and otherwise. It's a strategic move to be on the down low with my private life but yes, other people's feelings matter. Even my own.

Your situation sounds lovely in that your partner knows your needs and made a point to make it work with you. For me, I'm in a honeymoon phase, I'm also feeling very uneasy with this situation as it. It feels unstable and unpredictable beyond my capacity of coping. And while I may be judged for that, I implore people to consider that everyone has challenges. I don't have issues with jealously but rather, I need clarified defined lines in my life to feel secure. I don't like wasting my time and I'm very frugal with my emotional investments.

Right now, I'm most confused by the fact that according to the test I've taken a few times, my love languages are quality time, physical touch and acts of services. Words are super low and consciously I think words are cheap. This guy is all words. When we are together, it's magical and perfect we click so well and it's an amazing connection. Only I've been the one leading plans (I have a dominant streak in my personality. If I want to see someone, I say so). Only now it feels like it's uneven. He never texts or calls nor has been the one to make plans. :(

In actuality, I'm hurting inside. I feel like I was some bucket list endeavor and really, I don't deserve that. I have been through so much in my life and I try so hard. I've given so much and have learned so much and I'm just trying to give to myself by being more cognizant of my feelings and needs. Communicating these types of needs is difficult beyond the, hey I want to see you let's make plans, ya know?

How do I know this person wants me in his life? If he has the other girl and me and feels amazing connection between us, what is the point for him to be so active on dating profiles (which he is openly so). How do I get quality time if he's 4-6 times with this other person and between that, like you, we both have busy adulting jobs. Ugh :p all this is just too much. Historically I tend to cut my nose off despite my face because it's easier to just let go (for others, letting go is a struggle). So, I guess I'm trying to wrap my head around navigating hanging on. I'm trying to hang on to something good here but I'm not feeling reciprocation and I'm not sure what exactly I'm looking for here :(

Thanks for listening. Sorry I rambled. I guess I'm thinking out loud because the noise is THAT loud in my head I decided to join a forum so I don't get lost in my head which happens sometimes :p
 
Keeping on the down low was reference to my potential partners additional hookups or fwb situations where there's no romance per se.

You've mentioned a couple of times that you're fine with casual sex on the side .... But that's not what this guy wants. He wants multiple full relationships, with romance, and love, and quality time. It also sounds, from what you said about his having multiple primaries in the past, that he's not looking to elevate one relationship over the others. No one is the "side chick" in that situation.

Is that something you're ok with? Short term? Long term? If you need to be #1, or the only one he loves, or the only publicly acknowledged girlfriend... All of those are perfectly reasonable things to need, but he may not be willing to offer them.

For me, I'm in a honeymoon phase, I'm also feeling very uneasy with this situation as it. It feels unstable and unpredictable beyond my capacity of coping. And while I may be judged for that, I implore people to consider that everyone has challenges. I don't have issues with jealously but rather, I need clarified defined lines in my life to feel secure. I don't like wasting my time and I'm very frugal with my emotional investments.

I'm the same way, so I get it. (I'm an ESFJ, and both the S and the J are strong ;)) I will admit that I don't think I could handle the situation you have described - I can barely handle not knowing what will happen in 2 years with my long term BF :rolleyes:

Is this a situation where you can stop worrying about "where is this going" and enjoy the now? If it is, do that. Because with everything so new, you really can't predict where it will go. If it isn't - if the unknowns are too much - it might be helpful to take a step back, focus on building a friendship with this guy. And spend a few months learning about how he does polyamory, how he handles juggling multiple relationships - before you commit to being one of those relationships.
 
You've mentioned a couple of times that you're fine with casual sex on the side .... But that's not what this guy wants. He wants multiple full relationships, with romance, and love, and quality time. It also sounds, from what you said about his having multiple primaries in the past, that he's not looking to elevate one relationship over the others. No one is the "side chick" in that situation.

That's just what my experience has been primarily. I have had one polygamy situation and stayed friends with the girl for years after I broke up with him however the actual relationship experience was not a good situation for me. Not because I had a problem with her having emotional relations with him but he was just not a healthy person. Nor kind to her and it was a weird situation where I felt like a parent more than a partner. With this situation it's not really an open polygamous situation because unlike the other experience, I don't know this other female nor am I friends with her and she was aware of me from day one so there's no prob there but I am just this new relationship I guess and I def feel like I'm just encroaching on what they have so what's the point. It's a discouraging situation. Whereas the last poly type thing I had the man while not healthy, wanted me to meet the other person on a personable basis before he chose to pursue a relationship with me. So it's different because the guy I'm seeing now has it like I'm this extra side person as opposed to what was my experience before. And I guess I'm rambling so I'll stop there lol!


Is that something you're ok with? Short term? Long term? If you need to be #1, or the only one he loves, or the only publicly acknowledged girlfriend... All of those are perfectly reasonable things to need, but he may not be willing to offer them.

the public acknowledged thing matters to me but the other stuff I'm okay with. I want a publicly aknowledged relationship and in a way, I think that's probably the only thing that would be considered 'primary' for me. With this guy I'm not and while that's okay, it's the whole gestalt that's got me troubled or struggling in my head. Who knows though. He might not be into me tomorrow and this will all been a learning about me situation which is okay too ...


I'm the same way, so I get it. (I'm an ESFJ, and both the S and the J are strong ;)) I will admit that I don't think I could handle the situation you have described - I can barely handle not knowing what will happen in 2 years with my long term BF

I get along with SFJ's so well because there's a commonality in the way we think. With this guy I get that intuitive connection but he's a perciever type so he's like this leaf blowing in the wind all carefree lol! It's like good for me but drives me crazy a little! I'm starting to think that it's not that he doesn't text or call but that he doesn't make a point of making plans so if I don't, I have no idea if I'll see him again. That's extreme I know but we all have our histories and so that's what it is for now. It's just too new stuff I'm maybe being a freak in my head about it :p


Is this a situation where you can stop worrying about "where is this going" and enjoy the now? If it is, do that. Because with everything so new, you really can't predict where it will go. If it isn't - if the unknowns are too much - it might be helpful to take a step back, focus on building a friendship with this guy. And spend a few months learning about how he does polyamory, how he handles juggling multiple relationships - before you commit to being one of those relationships.


Thank you!! I think you're right and it was mentioned already that this is so new I'm not thinking with my A game so to speak. I should just wait to see how he navigates things a bit. Who knows, he might surprise me :p

*so happy with all the input. Thank you so much everyone! <3
 
Keeping on the down low was reference to my potential partners additional hookups or fwb situations where there's no romance per se. I'm incredibly aware and sensitive to other people's feelings only that I'm at a point in my life where I need to take great care of my feelings as I do others (I don't feel them right away, often times, there's a delay and I'll think, hey! I think this upsets me). I realize that sounds weird.

It doesn't sound weird at all. I agree. My decisions were as much about me as they were about others. I never like the feeling that my presence in somebody's life is hurtful to them - I find it upsetting. I've always been very empathetic.

So, when my partner had sex with a woman who knew all about the situation and agreed to it yet was hurt afterwards, I was hurt too. I spoke to her and the pain in her eyes and in her voice gave me sleepless nights for about a week.

I won't be in a romantic relationship with somebody who needs that sort of casual interaction and who uses (intentionally or not) the presence of a 'proper' partner to keep the casual people at arm's length because it upsets me to think of the casual people. Thankfully, in our case, my partner just hadn't seen it from that point of view. To him, somebody agreeing and then feeling sad afterwards was unfortunate but no big deal. To me it was painful enough that I don't want it in my life. Plus - I think it's a horrible way to treat other people and I also don't want it in my life because I don't approve.

I don't have a massive problem with friends doing that sort of thing. It's up to them and it is consensual - I just don't want a close involvement.

What I meant was that for him at 25, his peers are a lot more accepting and nonjudgmental than my age group and I am sensitive to that reality. In truth, I'm just not resilient enough to take the criticism or social scrutiny.

Not judging you at all. Plenty of people feel that way. I just don't think it's an age thing. I'm 43 - so almost 10 years older than you - and the people I count as peers are pretty non-judgemental. If I had decided to be poly I'm sure that there would have been much giggling and teasing but nobody I'm close to would really care.

But - people are used to me being a bit weird and folks who would judge and be critical of alternative lifestyles don't hang around with me. They find more normal people to be friends with. :D

There are plenty of people on these boards older than me again and living happy poly lives - with varying degrees of openness. Poly is a thing that can be kept secret. If you don't choose to tell people, nobody needs to know that your boyfriend has other girlfriends or that you have other boyfriends. How would anybody know who you were having sex with or who your partner was having sex with unless you told them? Might need a bit of care with things like social media but so long as you use security settings wisely, even that wouldn't be a huge problem.

In actuality, I'm hurting inside. I feel like I was some bucket list endeavor and really, I don't deserve that.

Do you think that it's possible that you have invested more into this than your boyfriend? Could be that you are just at different stages in life or just want different things?

Maybe he's happy to explore, to develop multiple connections and to see where they go? Maybe you are looking for something more settled, steadier, not so much in flux?

Sometimes getting on with somebody and feeling a strong connection with them isn't enough for a lasting relationship.

I hope that the pain lessens for you and you gain some clarity soon.

IP
 
Do you think that it's possible that you have invested more into this than your boyfriend? Could be that you are just at different stages in life or just want different things?

Maybe he's happy to explore, to develop multiple connections and to see where they go? Maybe you are looking for something more settled, steadier, not so much in flux?

Sometimes getting on with somebody and feeling a strong connection with them isn't enough for a lasting relationship.

I think you hit the nail on the head ... thank you for this. xo
 
There are plenty of people on these boards older than me again and living happy poly lives - with varying degrees of openness.

Absolutely. As is true for all aspects of life, poly works for the people who choose to make it work for them. I'm 55 and up to all sorts of shenanigans in very traditional suburban surroundings. The extent to which I consider what the neighbors think is that I assume they all admire my free spirit and happy demeanor. That's as far as I go with "what the neighbors think." My close friends range within two decades of me (up and down) and are all accepting, intrigued or participating in my sexual/romantic life. Nobody else really gets a foot hold in my world, to our mutual benefit and pleasure.

Don't ever let imaginary barriers like age, generation, social expectations bar you from your heart's desire. Being a single mom doesn't need to block anyone from how she wants to live. I'm a single mom of two teenagers, one of whom is significantly autistic, and if I wanted to get wrapped up in "judgement" and what's "good for him," the sky's the limit on that. Live the extraordinary and expanded life that you choose, that calls out to your heart, not the limited life that you think you have to. Polyamory may turn out to not be your choice, but whatever kind of relationships you choose, make sure that they are truly yours.
 
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Clem - did you type polygamy, but mean to say polyamory? Or have you been married to multiple people at the same time? I caught that a couple of times in your posts and it stands out to me, since I self-identify as both polygamist and polyamorous. Not sure if you meant to say that. :)
 
Hi clemenC,

Could you be satisfied if you and your INTP's other (ENFP) partner both had equal primary status? Perhaps she doesn't have to step down if you step up.

I guess the thing to do is keep hanging in there and see what develops. Keep the communication channels flowing between you and INTP. Let him know what you want and what you need.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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