clemenC
Member
I'm super into typology so for those unaware of such, just ignore those details. For those familiar, it'll help paint a deeper understanding of my point of reference here.
Long story short to the best of my ability:
I'm an INFJ in her mid thirties. Serendipity strikes and I meet an irl INTP and we truly are the "golden pair" they speak of, between two healthy mature types. He's younger than I by 10 years which is not a problem for either of us. But may be a factor to consider in the equation.
For the last 6 months (before I came on the scene), he's been seeing an ENFP, (and again, these details just help with whomever is familiar enough to get the gist of the dynamics between the parties involved).
He was married and divorced quite young and I often wonder if his engagement with the poly lifestyle thus far has been more about NOT being emotionally available unbeknownst to him. What I mean by that is, we all have different styles of coping and life strategies in response to those experiences we've coped with. So with that in mind I think, it's pretty hard to be emotionally vulnerable in great depths if you have a backup person ... however, please note that I am not minimizing the experiences of seasoned polyamorous people here, please understand I'm just speculating.
Now, the ENFP is his "primary" (and he sees her about 4-6 times a week) and he's spoken of another experience he's had where he had two primaries, so I know that's what he's trying for ... Note that, I KNOW we have a deep connection evolving and I do not doubt his sincerity to me. However, he is at an arms length because he's already involved with her (if anything else, time wise). So whether he would like to admit this or not, I am the secondary.
Now, we are both introverts and so don't really talk or text between our dates, and when I date, I generally do not need that daily talk/text even though it would be nice and welcome (because I like him so much, lol).
anyways, I'm starting to feel very frustrated (not sexually, but mentally).
Historically I have always been that mono female who enjoys the mono style relationship where I have his heart and mind, but casual sex on the side is no problem for me if that's the other persons need. But here, in the current situation, I am not experiencing that. In actuality, I am beginning to feel like this "side girl". Like, I'm playing second fiddle .... and fuck that. I just don't know what to do with 'that'.
So here are my options (as far as I can see thus far).
Option 1: I can drop him and just chalk it up to an experience and move on. Which, while I will be emotionally pained, I've had SO much experience in life that unfortunately, life is no longer as romanticized as it once was ... I'll survive.
Option 2: I can start to date other people in order to find MY primary since I am his secondary (whether he wants to admit it or not). However, I genuinely do not have time for that. Nor do I have the emotional needs to mentally bond with multiple people in a romantic way. I literally will be doing it for the sake of finding my primary relationship, and the INTP will be taking the second seat, which knowing me, means he'll end up being friend zoned inevitably. Note that this option just makes me feel sad.
Option 3: I can communicate to him that I am not okay with being secondary and I KNOW, while he feels the connection like I'm a primary, he does not have the time, literally, to be carrying on as such to improve the situation. Which is to say, I would be asking him to make the ENFP secondary. Which is both (possibly) unrealistic, unfair ... and not sexy. It's a turn off even to me to put someone in that position. I don't like ultimatums and I don't think it's reasonable to place them on other people. However, on the flip side, it is being fair by providing him with a choice as opposed to making a choice for him.
*sigh* ... I'm so tired of thinking of this sticky situation and trying to make sense of it all. I really hope people will respectfully reply (and NOT derail the conversation from it's initial intent)....
What do you think?
He's younger, and in a way more sensitive (in a way that I'm not) when it comes to emotional connection and knowing that, just makes me feel bad. I honestly don't know what to do.
It's truly a magical passionate and intellectually satisfying, intense connection. Those are SO rare and hard to come by in between all the other modes of "life" , like earning a living and tending to other relationships with friends and family.
I sincerely don't know what to do.
Regardless, even if you don't know what to say, I appreciate you taking the time to listen and/or respond. Thank you. <3
- CC
Long story short to the best of my ability:
I'm an INFJ in her mid thirties. Serendipity strikes and I meet an irl INTP and we truly are the "golden pair" they speak of, between two healthy mature types. He's younger than I by 10 years which is not a problem for either of us. But may be a factor to consider in the equation.
For the last 6 months (before I came on the scene), he's been seeing an ENFP, (and again, these details just help with whomever is familiar enough to get the gist of the dynamics between the parties involved).
He was married and divorced quite young and I often wonder if his engagement with the poly lifestyle thus far has been more about NOT being emotionally available unbeknownst to him. What I mean by that is, we all have different styles of coping and life strategies in response to those experiences we've coped with. So with that in mind I think, it's pretty hard to be emotionally vulnerable in great depths if you have a backup person ... however, please note that I am not minimizing the experiences of seasoned polyamorous people here, please understand I'm just speculating.
Now, the ENFP is his "primary" (and he sees her about 4-6 times a week) and he's spoken of another experience he's had where he had two primaries, so I know that's what he's trying for ... Note that, I KNOW we have a deep connection evolving and I do not doubt his sincerity to me. However, he is at an arms length because he's already involved with her (if anything else, time wise). So whether he would like to admit this or not, I am the secondary.
Now, we are both introverts and so don't really talk or text between our dates, and when I date, I generally do not need that daily talk/text even though it would be nice and welcome (because I like him so much, lol).
anyways, I'm starting to feel very frustrated (not sexually, but mentally).
Historically I have always been that mono female who enjoys the mono style relationship where I have his heart and mind, but casual sex on the side is no problem for me if that's the other persons need. But here, in the current situation, I am not experiencing that. In actuality, I am beginning to feel like this "side girl". Like, I'm playing second fiddle .... and fuck that. I just don't know what to do with 'that'.
So here are my options (as far as I can see thus far).
Option 1: I can drop him and just chalk it up to an experience and move on. Which, while I will be emotionally pained, I've had SO much experience in life that unfortunately, life is no longer as romanticized as it once was ... I'll survive.
Option 2: I can start to date other people in order to find MY primary since I am his secondary (whether he wants to admit it or not). However, I genuinely do not have time for that. Nor do I have the emotional needs to mentally bond with multiple people in a romantic way. I literally will be doing it for the sake of finding my primary relationship, and the INTP will be taking the second seat, which knowing me, means he'll end up being friend zoned inevitably. Note that this option just makes me feel sad.
Option 3: I can communicate to him that I am not okay with being secondary and I KNOW, while he feels the connection like I'm a primary, he does not have the time, literally, to be carrying on as such to improve the situation. Which is to say, I would be asking him to make the ENFP secondary. Which is both (possibly) unrealistic, unfair ... and not sexy. It's a turn off even to me to put someone in that position. I don't like ultimatums and I don't think it's reasonable to place them on other people. However, on the flip side, it is being fair by providing him with a choice as opposed to making a choice for him.
*sigh* ... I'm so tired of thinking of this sticky situation and trying to make sense of it all. I really hope people will respectfully reply (and NOT derail the conversation from it's initial intent)....
What do you think?
He's younger, and in a way more sensitive (in a way that I'm not) when it comes to emotional connection and knowing that, just makes me feel bad. I honestly don't know what to do.
It's truly a magical passionate and intellectually satisfying, intense connection. Those are SO rare and hard to come by in between all the other modes of "life" , like earning a living and tending to other relationships with friends and family.
I sincerely don't know what to do.
Regardless, even if you don't know what to say, I appreciate you taking the time to listen and/or respond. Thank you. <3
- CC
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