New to poly and looking for advise.

[Ozone06]

Hey guys

First off Happy New Year!!

I'm very grateful for the community here you've provided me with some perspective.

I apologize for the book I'm about to write the TLDR is at the bottom


To start off I'm 37(m) and have been married to my wife (37 f) for over 15 years we've been devoted to each other for that long and have been together for almost 20 years. We started talking about opening up our relationship about a month ago. I felt that my wife didn't have the opportunity to explore her sexuality and was very selective of who she was even around. She never had male friends because of how she felt about her fealty to me.

I've been so fortunate to have her in my life.

We've been reading alot and I've been playing out scenarios out in my mind trying to understand how I would feel and we would talk about our concerns and how we feel. I felt a closeness to her that I've not felt in years.

I thought and hoped? that this would be a slow process. Building block by block. I thought I would have time to work through the emotions I'm feeling.

It didn't happen like that.

There's Meetings and discussion groups that My wife goes to. I would have participated as well but I work when the regular meetings take place.

She discovered someone there who is also poly and she trusted him, they've been going to the same meetings for months. So she asked me about going out for coffee with the other person. I had to work and I wanted to support her in this new direction that we are going so I agreed.

I want to point out that I feel that rules are harmful for relationships especially the longer term one. I told her to have fun and enjoy herself.

She was gone 8 hours.

It could have been longer her date had something else planned too which sounded awesome, but she thought of me and came home.

I was in emotional shambles. I was filled with worry and doubt and insecurity.

When she got home I just held her and had the biggest emotional breakdown of my life.

I wasn't ready. She was. I wasn't.

She is such a beautiful person. Here she was coming back from an emotionally fulfilling, joyous awaking to a new life. One she couldn't have considered 2 months ago. She put all of that aside to comfort a man-child who was realizing the comfortable existence that we've shared so long for is now crumbling around him.

She went back his house, they kissed no touching, nothing else happened.

She was fantastic she spent the whole night talking to me about my issues and my problem. The next day we spent the day fulfilling my desires comforting my pain and loss.

I already worked though the sex in a way, the non-monogomy. I would be fine with swinging... it's just sex this ... this is different.

This was something else. I was becoming a smaller part of her life.

The only one I could really turn to was her. No one else knows.

The past few days have been painful. Intellectually I want her to be happy and I want her to move forward in her life. We are committed to each other.

They have another date today. She was kind and asked first. She's really excited. I'm happy for her. I really really am. My problem is I have all these feelings of pain and loss. I'm not jealous. I'm happy for her... for them! In moments of clarity I thought it would be awesome to go on a hike with the three of us or if i'm able to find someone the 4 of us.

My problems I think I wasn't prepared yet to leave monogomy in such a way. Things come to an end. Be it living somewhere, a job, whatever. I just wasn't done yet. I wasn't prepared yet for this.

I don't want her to slow down for me. That's not fair, it wouldn't be right. And I can't go to her in that way. I'm literally raining on her parade.

How do I find people to talk about this? Internet friends are awesome, but sometimes face to face is more effective?

She's shown me some fantastic meditative resources to help me explore what I'm feeling and to find acceptance as well as self compassion.

I'm seeking companionship no doubt but if i can't find that It would be amazing to have a few friends to talk about this stuff over coffee/ a beverage.

TLDR

Thought i was ready but wasn't. Had a breakdown. I don't want to burden my wife by helping me clean up my mess when she is so happy and growing in this new experience.

Much love

Ozone06
Ontario Canada

 

[Tinwen]

Hello Ozone,
don't be too harsh on yourself. You're not a child for crying, you're human. Can't handle everything on a whim.
You two ARE going really fast - two month of thinking and discussing is hardly enough to understand all the implications polyamory could have on your life.
You don't have to ask wife to stop dating, but still could ask her to slow down. I imagine she'd rather call home in the middle of her date then find you all crumbling and shaking when she comes home. And don't forget to work with expectations - it's much easier to not worry during an 8 hour date if you do know in advance that it can easily be 8 hours.
Your relationship is changing. In some areas hopefully for the better, in some areas for the worse. Some grief around losing what was good about the old arrangement is to be expected.
Depending on your overall lifestyle this could be relevant for you.
Meditation and self-development is great - if you have great resources on self-acceptance, I'd be interested.
Good luck,
Tinwen

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Ozone06,

I would suggest a local poly group, but it sounds like you are working whenever they meet. What about the idea of meeting with a therapist? It would give you someone to talk to face-to-face.

It sounds like the main problem here is that things moved too fast with your wife and this newer gentleman. Like you just needed more time to prepare, this is too soon for you. If so, maybe your wife (and this other fellow) could slow down. Take things more step by step. Not in eight-hour leaps. I think you need to have some talks with your wife, wherein you negotiate a slower process. And like I said, get into therapy. Personal therapy or couple's therapy, either one could be useful. But you need someone you can talk to, face-to-face.

If you can't attend any local poly meetings, maybe there's some kind of activity that interests you that you could attend. Where you could strike up new friendships. Something fringe. Like a sci-fi convention, indie concert, or Ren faire ... that sort of thing. You would not be able to make friends instantly, but at least you'd be around people that might be more open-minded and likely to accept your polyamory. It's a slow process, but maybe a way to get things started.

I'm sorry you are hurting right now, I hope you and your wife can work something out.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Ravenscroft]

I think it's great you admit that you've been needlessly controlling of your wife for two decades. However, you've gone overboard. For instance:

We started talking about opening up our relationship about a month ago.

That is a truly breakneck pace. You both really need to SLOW DOWN, perhaps even STOP altogether until the concepts can truly begin to settle in.

Which of you first broached the idea of "going poly"?

Which of you first started reading up on "going poly"?

Four weeks is NOT enough time for more than a few meetings. Unless you are working 100+ hours/week, you ought to be able to attend some sort of social excursion or house party, so that you aren't locked into outsider status. The two of you can plan (or maybe host) it yourselves.

My feeling is that it's waaaaay too soon for your partner to be trying to shoehorn a new relationship. It's very unlikely that either of you has begun to develop necessary skills in communication & problem-solving. While she may be willing to run ahead, it's not advisable: given that you've both been in rather strict monogamy for at least 20 years, I doubt either of you is prepared to properly deal with the inevitable mistakes, much less to learn from them.

She does not know what she wants yet, & if the Monogamist mindset is still in charge she's likely to latch onto the first "true love" that wanders past & then be unwilling to consider with proper objectivity whether it should be pursued further.

The discussion groups in which I've participated were mostly "single male looking for anything" & "couple seeking F for closed threesome." The best groups recognized this explicitly & worked to undercut the "looking for a date" aspect. More often, if I showed up with a partner or two, or a female friend, they would attract a level of attention that made them uncomfortable (one called it "a meat market").

To me, it looks as though a rush such as this is possibly suited to simple nonmonogamy -- maybe swinging, maybe open marriage -- but not to polyamory.

 

[FallenAngelina]

She put all of that aside to comfort a man-child....Had a breakdown. I don't want to burden my wife by helping me clean up my mess ...

You might think a lot more about what real strength and maturity are. They are not never having difficult feelings, hiding your feelings, sparing others your feelings, not expressing your feelings. Having big emotions is not being a child. Having big emotions is not a breakdown. Having big emotions is not a burden to our loved ones. Having big emotions is not a mess. Having big emotions is being beautifully, wonderfully, colorfully, thoroughly alive. By showing your emotions, you honor your wife and the bond you share. As you go forward with your poly plan, keep in mind that individuals open, couples do not. This will be about you opening, deepening and growing as a person and although you have not yet met your lover, you are on the path of what an open relationship is all about: allowing for many more possibilities than is the norm. So think more about how you consider your own emotions. Sounds like there's some shame in you and that's a good place for you to be working. Tinwen linked to a great article on the importance of each partner having his own path in any relationship, but especially in an open relationship.

This is only the beginning of a lot of big emotion for you. Take this time now to adjust how you see your feelings. All the work that you do on yourself will contribute to the success of your relationship. Relationships don't get better and better, individuals do.