New to Poly, how to handle?

J

Jessysgirl

New member
My girlfriend of 3 years is poly.....I am not, how do I deal with this? When we first got together, she explained that she had always cheated on her significant other, for one reason or another..and I thought for sure, I would be different. Three months into our relationship and she starting fucking her ex husband again. I tried to be accepting of it, but she kept going back and forth on if she wanted to do it or not, and she would feel major guilt when she did it, feeling as if she needed to be punished. Now, she's saying that she's tried to change the way she feels but she can't, and I told her if she wants to sleep with her ex husband then fine, but I want to know when it happens. I don't want to be lied to. To which, she countered, how would I feel if she told someone every time we fucked? To me, the difference is, she and I are in a relationship, the side fucks are just about the sex, or so that's what she tells me. She says it won't always be her ex, it could be anyone, and I told her that I would rather it be a stranger, at least then there wouldn't be the history. She says that I am enough woman for her, that she doesn't want to be with any other women....so I can't even even up the anity, by being with someone else, because for me, it would have to be a woman, I have no desire to be with a man again.

*sigh* Any advice you can give would be great.

Thank you
 
A few thoughts. If your relationship style is open on both sides, then you should be able to date other women, even if your partner continues to only date men. That said, if you're doing the dating solely to "up the ante", "even the score", or any reason other than because you genuinely desire a connection with the other person, that's not cool behavior and is bound to cause drama (though that seems to be the point?) And, more importantly, its unfair to the third woman who may be desiring a genuine connection, but instead is being used to create drama and jealousy.

Also, wanting to know when your partner has been sexual with someone else for the first time is reasonable. It affects your sexual health; therefore, in my opinion, you have a right to know. This is the type of information blue & I share with one another. Wanting to know every time your partner is intimate with a person is, in my opinion, controlling behavior and not reasonable.

On the other hand, from your brief description of your partner, she doesn't sound poly so much as self-sabotaging to me. Just my opinion.
 
Thank you

I think it wouldn't be me dating another woman to even the score necessarily, but because I know that if she were to be with someone else, she wouldn't want to be with me, she doesn't want sex but every few months as it is, and I am not getting affection from her in other areas at all, because she doesn't like to touch or be touched.....

Thank you for the advice...I just want her to be happen, and if she feels like she has to be with someone else, then I have to accept it, I just have to work on that part....I just don't know how

PinkPig said:
A few thoughts. If your relationship style is open on both sides, then you should be able to date other women, even if your partner continues to only date men. That said, if you're doing the dating solely to "up the ante", "even the score", or any reason other than because you genuinely desire a connection with the other person, that's not cool behavior and is bound to cause drama (though that seems to be the point?) And, more importantly, its unfair to the third woman who may be desiring a genuine connection, but instead is being used to create drama and jealousy.

Also, wanting to know when your partner has been sexual with someone else for the first time is reasonable. It affects your sexual health; therefore, in my opinion, you have a right to know. This is the type of information blue & I share with one another. Wanting to know every time your partner is intimate with a person is, in my opinion, controlling behavior and not reasonable.

On the other hand, from your brief description of your partner, she doesn't sound poly so much as self-sabotaging to me. Just my opinion.
Click to expand...
 
May I ask what you get from the relationship? Infrequent affection and sex, are you ok with that?
 
In order to be with her, I have to be. I know it sounds crazy, and most people would just leave, but maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment myself.....


PinkPig said:
May I ask what you get from the relationship? Infrequent affection and sex, are you ok with that?
Click to expand...
 
Hi Jessysgirl,

I take it that breaking up with your girlfriend is not an option.

There's a couple of books you might want to consider reading:

  • "Sex at Dawn: how we mate, why we stray, and what it means for modern relationships," by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá.
  • "The Jealousy Workbook: exercises and insights for managing open relationships," by Kathy Labriola.
One or both of those might help you to be okay with what is happening with your girlfriend.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Jessysgirl said:
In order to be with her, I have to be. I know it sounds crazy, and most people would just leave, but maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment myself.....
Click to expand...

Not a healthy relationship. Why be in a relationship that feels like punishment?
 
I am sorry you hurt.

I agree. Why stay in an unhealthy relationship where she cheats?

You ask for what you need.

  • To be told when it happens and no more lies.
  • Affection. Touch.
  • Sex more than once every few months.

She basically says she is NOT willing to meet either need. She doesn't sound all that into you.

So what is in it for you? Why drive yourself crazy staying in a relationship that basically is not a runner? Do you fear being alone? Or that you won't find another dating partner? Why do you want to keep being around her when it doesn't sound like a match?

I know it sounds crazy, and most people would just leave, but maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment myself.....
Click to expand...

You deserve to be treated well, not poorly.

When you choose to keep staying in a punishing relationship that you acknowledge is crazy to stay in... how is that you treating you well?

Do you not believe you deserve to treat yourself well? :(

Do you think love has to be "proven" somehow and if you hang tough eventually you will get some from her?

Galagirl
 
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People who get involved with cheaters almost always believe that "it'll be different with me because I'm so special!!"

But affairs are like cockroaches: if you see one, there's probably a bunch more in the shadows.

Hm. having reread this thread, I guess that I got to stand by my initial thoughts:

Your girlfriend is a dick. This could only be more obvious if she had one of her own.

She's TOLD you she's going to be a dick toward you, BECAUSE you're so "special" to her.

Unless you have some condition that requires professional care, you are a responsible adult. Nobody's in a position to force you to be an enabler -- next step, caretaker -- but there you are.

Now that the initial wave of anger/grief/betrayal has had a chance to pass, you've got a rather simple choice to make:
  1. stop whining & stay
  2. stop whining & quit
If you stay, then IMNSHO you should treat her more like a Best Friend With Benefits, & leave yourself open to spending time (not necessarily sexual) with people who enjoy your company & don't carrot-dangle you & don't blithely claim the right to walk ALL sides of the proverbial fence. Have better things to do than wait around when she decides to "have a little visit" with Hubby.

(Should it ever come up, DO NOT even THINK about agreeing to somehow formalize this little vee.)

And, IME, find some time to visit a decent therapist, at least an LSW. I doubt you're so reprehensible a person as to half-deserve your status as Chief Doormat. If you can get just a little emotional distance, you might see that you're getting sucked into someone else's downward spiral.
 
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