New to poly, need advice on jealousy/indifference

W

walkingwill

New member
Hello. I'm new to the forum and to this thought process, still trying to figure out if it works for me, or if I'm just out of touch with my emotions.

I have had a lot of loss lately. Both of my parents and my best friend passed in the last 2 years.

I'm looking for advice on my situation, as well as possibly insight into whether or not this is what I want, because I don't really know.

I met L at a sandwich shop that was right next to where I worked. I asked her out on a date (first one in 3 years for me) and things heated up very quickly (too quickly for most of the people in my life). She moved in after two weeks and we had a relationship for about three months.

She is a very sexual person. Sex is all she thinks about. Me, not so much. But I like to be accommodating and to make sure she enjoys herself. However, it was three times a day, every day. I couldn't keep up the pace.

It was almost a dealbreaker for her. We talked things out, slowed down a bit. And then she cheated on me. She was open about it, too. It obviously hurt her, but she told me that being exclusive in a relationship with someone is almost impossible with her unless they can keep up with her physical needs, and even then...

She had never been in a relationship where she didn't cheat on her partner. (She's bisexual, BTW).

I took it pretty hard. I got angry, then mainly just sad, because I had finally started to open up to her. I'd grown fond of her. We had an emotional connection.

Her cheating on me made me feel like I was inadequate, not good enough. No one wants to feel that. But after a week, we started talking again. The only reason I did was because she had been so honest with me. We rekindled our relationship. She began talking about polyamory and swinging. Sex was a casual/recreational thing for her, but she said her emotional ties and love were for me.

I've found that it's hard to break conventional thinking. The idea I have is that if she loved me ENOUGH, then she could deny her physical desires for other people, because she has me. But after research on the subject, the idea of loyalty and complete honesty about everything, I decided that I'd give it a try.

The day she came back after one of her flings... it's hard to describe. I still picture this moment when I'm sitting with her on my couch, with her legs propped on my legs and my arm around her. I had never felt so close to her in our entire relationship. It was like she felt completely at ease. And in our intimate moments, we've never been more passionate. The issue lies in when she leaves...

You see, I don't have anyone on the side. Honestly, I'm not really interested in looking right now. On the other hand, she has many on the side. They text her constantly. She doesn't hide them, and openly discusses the good and bad things about each person she sleeps with, if there is drama, etc.

I'm glad we can be open. It's like having your best friend as your lover, in the realist sense.

We'll have our time. She'll spend the night. Then it's just assumed that unless she says something, she'll be somewhere else the following night. Yesterday, the day after she stayed over at a fling's place, we didn't even text or call until around 7 or 8 pm, when she decided she wanted to be in my arms tonight. I haven't decided if it's jealousy or indifference that kept me from texting her that day.

Well, last night, when she came over, we were intimate, and I noticed love bites on her. I wanted to say something, but didn't, and made her bite me. She asked if there was a specific reason why I wanted her to bite me, and I just talked around it.

I guess I can't do that in the future. Like I said, I'm new to this. I probably should have just said something. I guess I felt like it wasn't my business to say something about her fling from the previous night leaving love bites on her.

It makes her happy being able to have casual sex with these people. Instead of feeling jealous, I should be happy that she's enjoying herself and having fun.

Today, though, we woke up and I asked if she wanted to go out on a date tonight, since it's Friday night. She said she couldn't because she had plans with another fling. Asked, how about Sunday? So she plans to be gone for two nights.

What happened to the closeness I felt earlier? Why do I feel so jealous/indifferent? Right now, the only thing I can think about when it comes to her is not to text her til Sunday, even though she sent me a sweet message thanking me for everything and telling me how much she loves me a while ago.

It's these feelings that led me here in the first place. I need some advice. I feel like this is the only place that may understand what I'm feeling and going through. Sorry to write so much in my first post. I'll end it at that.
 
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That's a good story. No need to apologize when it's easy to read.

The feelings you are experiencing are normal. You may be able to work with them or you may not. There's clearly not one right answer.

I text Susan all the time. Most are just to let her know I'm thinking of her. She may or may not text back. If I know she's going to be busy, I typically refrain; not due to jealousy, but that I don't want to interrupt. I still always send her a good night and a good morning.

On the overall, my jealousy is always insecurity related. There are times I'm afraid she's going to end our relationship. It's completely irrational, but it's just something I have to deal with. It is exacerbated when I don't know whether I need to be around for her or not. The other thing I had to learn is that it's not a competition. She clearly enjoys being with you, and that's independent of anything else going on. You don't have to compete with her other flings. You just have to keep being yourself since she's clearly attracted to you.

Over time, I've gotten less and less jealous because I've been able to conquer the insecurity in this relationship. Try to identify what it is that is causing you the jealousy and see how you can adjust to it.

It won't be easy, but the level of communication you two already have will make it a lot easier.
 
I think what I am feeling is due to insecurity, like you said, from the fear of her just ending our relationship. Finding someone that's "good enough to keep her" and what not. Her seemingly large network of flings is admittedly intimidating. Maybe these feelings of attempting to be indifferent are just my defense mechanism in case something happens. I guess when it all comes down to it, I need to be stronger and stop being afraid of what could happen. It's not a competition. Thanks for saying that. I should be happy with what I have and enjoy the time I spend with her. Be happy that she is happy and happy that she is out enjoying herself. I need to focus on the emotional connection we have. That love. Those moments like what I described earlier.

I'm an IT Technician whose dream is to start my own independent game studio, so when I'm not working, sleeping, or with her....I'm working on my project. At first, just doing that was enough, but my mind wanders. Last night before she texted, I wanted to numb it with a few Dos Equis (like 3 total... I'm a cheap date, haha)which sparked inquiry as to what the occasion was for me to be drinking. Again, I talked around it.

I see what I need to fix. I want to learn to be more honest and open about how I feel, like she's been. I'm finding out it takes getting used to. That's the one thing that was stressed in what I was reading about in this kind of a relationship. Hopefully over time this uncertainty I feel will pass, like it did in your case.

Maybe for awhile on those days when she's out with her flings, I should go out too. Not to "pick up" anyone or anything. (Like I said, I'm not interested in looking around right now.) I'm saying that maybe it would help get things like that off my mind. Is that just running away from the problem?

Thank you for your advice. It's nice to have a place where I can talk about this.
 
I'm not sure it ever passes. It gets less. You get more secure. But I went three nights last week unable to sleep well. It was more complex than just jealousy, but there was definitely some jealousy involved.
 
It sounds like you have some good communication going on. And it is great that you are both willing to be so open.

You're not alone. There is rarely a perfect match in sexuality between two people.

As to whether you should go out - you'll get differing opinions here. Distracting yourself from those thoughts is reasonable as long as it is not complete escapism. Both sexual and non-sexual distractions helped me through some tough nights as I learned that I could, in fact, survive (and eventually be completely ok with) my partner being out with someone else. And I learned that having a lover did not reduce or diminish my feelings for my other lover. So I could better see my partner's point of view making the transition easier for me.

And she's living with you, not these other people. She has chosen you for a reason. Have you thought about what those reasons are? Understanding the answer to that question can help you feel more secure about your relationship.
 
Three times a day is a lot of sex. I thought I was extra horny because I'd like to get it once a day, or maybe twice if both my partners were available and in the mood.

Back when my bf was 20 miles away, we only had one day a week together, so we'd have 3-5 sex sessions in 24 hours to tide us over. Then I'd get to have sex with my gf once or twice in the week, as well. Maybe 3 times, if I got really lucky.

Anyway, enough about me. If I were in your situation, I'd feel a bit concerned about all these dates my partner was going on, partly because multiple partners open you up to STDs. Even if she's using condoms for intercourse, I doubt she's using them for oral, or dental dams for receiving oral from partners, or giving oral to females? She could get herpes or Hep C.

Also, you say you're living together, but she's off for days on end with other casual partners? I wouldn't be able to live with that either. That seems excessive. I mean, she can do what she wants, but how do you deal with having a so-called gf who is hardly ever available? There is more to a relationship than sex. There are dinners together, activities, housework, home maintenance... Do you want a live-in partner with a bit more commitment than she is willing to provide?

As for your "indifference," I also know what you're feeling. This summer has been very stressful for me. (I moved house, got a new job, my gf had some emotional trauma I had to help her with, a guy I attempted to date tried to kill himself.) And yet my married bf has also been dating or trying to date three other people. And I partly moved to this area to be closer to him, as was also his frequently stated wish! I didn't have energy resources to deal with the emotions I had around that, so in some ways I shut down towards him for a while. I felt less bonded. I felt insecure that so much of his emotional energies were going towards these three new people. I felt like just one more pussy to him. After all, he has me, a wife, and also a connection of some intensity with my gf already!

Some people are just "too poly," I think! I've decided to stop dating anyone new just so I can deal with my emotions around all of Ginger's new people. :confused:
 
You have an emotional attachment to her. Great. Does she have an emotional attachment to you? I am not sure from how you write. Until then, there is no connection. It's just a one-way street, so far, in my mind.

Is this even the relationship shape you prefer? Nope. So why be in it?

I asked her out on a date (first in 3 years for me) and things heated up very quickly. Too quickly, for most of the people in my life. She moved in after two weeks and we had a relationship for about three months.
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So you were ripe to be an easy target? I am sorry I cannot think of a nicer way of saying that. Sigh.

But that's a valid concern your friends/family might be trying to hold up to you-- that because you have been without romantic attention for so long, and might feel lonely, you are easy to take advantage of by a certain type of sweet talkin' user-type person. :(

Her cheating made me feel like I was inadequate, not good enough. No one wants to feel that.
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Her cheating demonstrates she is not trustworthy. It has nothing to do with you. If she finds you incompatible, she could break up with you nicely, cleanly, respectfully. Cheating is not nice, clean, or respectful. :mad:

But after a week, we started talking again. Only reason I did was because she had been so honest with me. We rekindled our relationship and she began talking about polyamory and swinging.
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That might be the "surface" reason you give yourself, but I think the core reason was because you have been lonely, and she gave you attention. You were hoping "to make it work" so you didn't have to be lonely.

She brought up open relationships after she cheated on you, and you guys broke up. Basically she sweet talked you and you went for it. This is not ethical polyamory or even ethical swinging. This is not her being open and honest now. This sounds like play him a song and see what it takes to weasel on back, to me. :(

In the end? Whatever the packaging or spin she gives it with her talk, now she gets to fuck how she wants, rather than limiting herself to you in her behavior. And better still, she doesn't have to take the trouble to be discreet and hide it. She can be all kinds of FRESH and you are "ok" with it.

You still aren't happy, dude. You do not sound compatible. It seems like you are struggling to accept that this is not cool. You want it to be cool, but it isn't. Your emotions are battling your logic. There's inner conflict. :(

Your family and friends are not in NRE mode. I'd listen to their concerns.

Is she basically using you to be her bill-paying roomie, and fucking you once in a while to make it "ok?"

Will it progress to this? ---

"How little can I give him, but still get all I want out of him? Fewer talks? Fewer cuddles? Less affection? What's the bare minimum I have to put out so I get all I want back from him?"​

I think what I am feeling is due to insecurity... from the fear of her just ending our relationship.
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I think you feel "ugh" because you already know she's not trustworthy; she broke agreements with you before, and you still signed up for more.

This is less then self-respecting behavior. You could respect yourself more and not sign up for shenanigans. :(

Fear of ending it, why? Because you hadn't had a date in 3 years and you don't want to be "alone again?" Is that a healthy reason to stay in a less than satisfying and untrustworthy relationship with her? :(

I guess when it all comes down to it, I need to be stronger and stop being afraid of what could happen.
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Yep.

"I should be happy with what I have and enjoy the time I spend with her. Be happy that she is happy and happy that she is out enjoying herself. I need to focus on the emotional connection we have."
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Nope.

I bothers me that nowhere in that quote do you talk about YOUR happiness. If this is a mutual SHARED happiness, great. Carry on! But your posts here don't sound happy to me. :(

This "indifference" could also be "going numb" and it's on the path to depression. I don't know if you could be in this boat. If so, you could guard against it by not exposing yourself to people who suck your mental health down like that.

You seem to be basically saying "I should just settle for what I get with this cheater even if I'm not happy because it is at least better than being alone again. Help me be ok with this less than self respecting behavior."

Is that your line of thinking here and what you are trying to "get good with"?" If so? I cannot support that. :(

Could go another way though.

  • You could decide a whirlwind one-sided relationship is not healthy for YOU. Might be great for her, but you do not exist only to serve her at your expense.
  • You could choose to end it, and date other people and find someone who is more compatible.
  • You could not fear that it might take a while to find this better quality, more compatible person.
  • You could remember you will have family and friends for social health to get you through this dating patch so you are not lonely even while working on your romance search.
  • You could spend some time thinking about self respecting behaviors you do / do not do and how they help build up your self esteem / drain your self esteem. What do you do that you can be proud of?
  • If you ARE on the path to depression? You could see a doctor and get back on the path to health.

Every behavior you do? It either ADDS or TAKES AWAY from your life enjoyment.

In the romance department? If sticking around with her is sucking you dry? Could stop sticking around with her.

Not all choices in life are "win or lose." Some are "which stinks less?" and in this case? (Being alone and dating new people to find a compatible partner) sounds less stinky to me than (clinging to incompatible, "cheated on me before" lady.)

I think you deserve respect -- from you and others. I hope you think so too.

I think you deserve a better quality partner. I hope you do too.

Galagirl
 
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Thanks for the harsh words. Sometimes people like me need to hear them. I've also had those thoughts nagging at me in the back of my mind for awhile now, but convinced myself it was all just because this type of thing was new to me. It's time I rethink things. Thanks for everything, all of you. :)
 
My words were meant kindly, not harshly.

I am glad you were already wondering/thinking along those lines yourself, though. To be looking out for your own health is self-respecting behavior.

The "polyshipping" might be new to you, but you know what? Whether it's mono or a poly or some other model, there are just some people who are unhealthy dating partners, and it is best to steer clear of them in any shape relationship. I hope things become healthier for you.

Galagirl
 
Some people are just "too poly" I think!
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Very much agree with you there!
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Some people just want lots of casual sex, maybe are NRE junkies... My bf has neither characteristic, but it seems he just loves the ladies. However, there is such a thing as spreading yourself too thin. He may think he's handling all his relationships well, keeping things balanced, giving us all enough time and attention. However, his thoughts on this may not, do not reflect my experience on this end of his juggling act. And I've told him so, and recently it seems it's affected his behavior in positive ways!

It's always good to speak up, even when things get uncomfortable for a while.
 
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