New to Poly -- Need Help

[MonoPoly]

I'm not entirely sure where to begin, but I feel as though everything began when I met Mariel. She and I have been together since August. To say the least, we've had our fair share of beautiful and perfect moments, and our share of misunderstandings. I have never met someone who has such a beautiful and glowing outlook on life, and love, for that matter. I have come to learn that the two terms are synonymous. And that is why I have left myself open to the idea of remaining monoamorous with a polyamorous partner.

As far as I can tell, I am mono. I say this because I am leaving myself open to change, as it is the healthiest thing to do. Mariel is poly. In recent months, we have been discussing the possibilities of other relationships being founded for her, either male or female.

This discussion came to be after a bad judgement call of fidelity on my part. I accused Mariel of dishonesty with an ex, which proved to be wrong. (Given their history, I should have been able to figure that out on my own.) This fear manifested in my previous inabilities to let go of hurtful past actions and realize that not all people are dishonest.

Shortly after this accusation was made in October, there was much distance between us, and it gave both of us a lot of time to think about the things we wanted, not just for each other, but for ourselves also. I want to allow her to express herself in the ways that she feels necessary. If that means relationships outside of our bond, I want to encourage, not restrict her. The worst thing I can do is try and put rules and regulations on how she expresses her feelings for those she connects with. Who am I to ask that she censor her love (sexual or not) for others, or to reserve it for me?

What I am struggling with here is honesty, though that may not be clear in what I have written. A fear of mine since the first discussions about her being poly was that "Okay, well, if she's talking to me about this, it's because she's found another partner or potential partner." Though, I realize this may not actually be the case.

What do I do if she's been with someone and has never told me?

I love this woman with all my heart, and if I am to be true to that, I should be able to find forgiveness in all situations.

Should I be aware of her partner(s)?
Should I establish my own relationships with them?

I think it's important that I accept them, because they contribute to her happiness and her expression.

Should she tell me anything?
Or should I not inquire about her other relationships at all? I don't want to be ignorant of them and I know that's not the correct choice to make.

We had the discussion about what it might be like if she were to attend an event with another partner that I was to be attending also.

How is affection shown?
Is it shown in front of the other partner?
Not at all? (That one doesn't sound right.)

I apologize if this sounds like a sob story. I don't feel it is. I'm just trying to prevent it from ending as one. She really means a lot to me, and I want her to know it though the trust that I show her in situations like these.

 

[redpepper]

Have your read some of my partner Mono's stuff? Perhaps his thoughts could help.

In fact, not to be snarky (I'm not trying to sound like that), but your thread is very similar to a lot of others on here. You may find that if you were to do a lot more reading on here (assuming you haven't?) and about poly in general, you will find your questions could possibly get answered.

Good luck, my friend. Welcome to the forums.

 

[redpepper]

I love this woman with all my heart, and if I am to be true to that, I should be able to find forgiveness in all situations.

You are in this relationship, as well. In my opinion, she shouldn't be going off and doing whatever she wants, just because she says she is poly. Everything is to be discussed in great detail and the rules/negotiations/boundaries, what ever you want to call them, are to be significant/meaningful to both of you.

Should I be aware of her partner(s)? Should I establish my own relationship with them? I think it's important that I accept them because they contribute to her happiness and her expression. Should she tell me anything? Or should I not inquire about her other relationships at all? I don't want to be ignorant of them and I know that's not the correct choice to make. We had the discussion about what it might be like if she were to attend an event with another partner that I was to be attending also. How is affection shown? is it shown in front of the other partner? Not at all? (That one doesn't sound right.)

All this is negotiable and up to the bounds of your relationship.

I personally would not feel comfortable with being with anyone my husband doesn't know and mutually agree with me to be an appropriate addition to our family/relationship. Others think differently.

Again, the decision is entirely up to the two of you.

 

[JonnyAce]

"Okay, well, if she's talking to me about this, its because she's found another partner or potential partner." What do I do if she's been with someone and never told me? I love this woman with all my heart, and if I am to be true to that, I should be able to find forgiveness in all situations.

I don't know her, but most poly folk don't come out as poly to a partner because they've found someone else, but because they want this partner to be aware of what's going on, and because a lot of poly values are based on openness, honesty, and communication. If, in fact, she's found another partner, or potential partner, and hasn't been honest with you, then you need to decide for yourself what that breach in trust, and her dishonesty, has done to you and your relationship.

Should I be aware of her partner(s)? Should I establish my own relationships with them?
I think it's important that I accept them, because they contribute to her happiness and her expression.

I agree that it's important that you accept them. As I said before, honesty and openness are a major part of poly. So being aware of them would go along with that. Some people say establishing relationships with your partner's OSOs is important. But if you think you're not ready for that, then just acknowledging them could be enough. That's a personal preference.

Should she tell me anything? Or should I not inquire about her other relationships at all? I don't want to be ignorant of them. I know that's not the correct choice to make.

You've answered your own question here. How much you know is a boundary that the 2 of you will likely have to discuss.

We had the discussion about what it might be like if she were to attend an event with another partner that I was to be attending also. How is affection shown? is it shown in front of the other partner? Not at all?

Again, you've answered your own question. But also, it's another boundary that you will have to discuss between the 2 of you. I think the most important part is talking often about boundaries, and what both of you are comfortable with, within the relationship.

Then again, this is just my opinion. There are much wiser people than me on here that will give good advice.

 

[MonoPoly]

Why is communicating the most difficult task in all of this? I feel as though I'm open and accepting of anything (quite literally anything) that Mariel could have to say. This includes anything about Past, Present, or Future relationships. But I'm not entirely certain she believes me when I say this. I have even gone so far as to try and make her aware of my level of forgiveness around the topic of secrecy, if that is the case as the present time. This has been acknowledged by her, but nothing has been said as of yet.

I want to be open and accepting of her relationships, and I believe I am doing a dammed good job of that. (Otherwise I would have high-tailed it long ago.) I understand and see where Mariel may find it difficult to tell me about another relationship, given my accusation of spousal dishonesty, or cheating, or whatever you wanna call it, despite my newfound understanding of what poly is.

We have a lot of discussions about poly and what it means to each of us. But I'm still not entirely convinced that Mariel has faith in my acceptance and understanding that is required in a poly relationship. The best part about that is that, at this point, I'm not even poly. I'm mono. I'm doing everything I can to allow her to express her poly lifestyle.

The challenge lies in our communication. Should I just wait until she is ready to talk about whether she has found another relationship or not, regardless of when it was found? I love her. I want to be with her. But at the same time, Mariel needs to be able to trust my abilities to understand and think rationally about any subject.

 

[CielDuMatin]

Part of what "learning to be poly" was about for me was learning new ways of communicating that I just hadn't learned before. It involved working together to break down the walls that we put up ourselves - afraid to bring something up because it may upset them and so on. And it is most definitely a two-way thing - expressing a willingness to listen is as important as expressing a willingness to talk.

It's not easy, and at times it can be painful at the start, but once you get into the habit I have found that the rewards are amazing, because you are no longer second-guessing your partner.

It's not something that comes overnight, though, in my experience - it's a process of evolution of your relationship rather than a flicking of a switch. Part of it is talking about how you talk to each other and helping each other reinforce new ways of communicating. It's definitely a teamwork thing in my opinion.

 

[JonnyAce]

But I'm still not entirely convinced that she has the faith in my acceptance and understanding that is required in a poly relationship.

Have you told her this, specifically that you're unconvinced that she has faith in your understanding? Have you told her that you've been on this forum? That might help her trust that you are accepting and understanding.

Honestly, I do believe that you are understanding and accepting, but she could be thinking, "Well, he understands/accepts it now, but when the time comes that I find someone else, he's going to flip out." There is a big difference between understanding/accepting when she doesn't have other lovers, as opposed to when she does.

Then again, I don't know her. There's only one way to find out what she's thinking. Ask her.

 

[MonoPoly]

I'd like to extend my gratitude to the people of this forum and those of you who so kindly responded to my posts. You are all truly wonderful beings and I commend you all for the guidance you give to those who seek it.

I have had some time to think about life and love, and the more I look at family, friendships, lovers, relationships of all kinds, the more I've come to believe that we are all, in one way or another, poly on some level. The reason I say that is because there are so many types of close connected intimate relationships that one could consider a committed relationship. It may not necessarily have ever been or will ever be sexual in nature. Maybe you just didn't connect in that manner. Does that make it any less meaningful? I definitely don't think so. Love comes in all sorts of forms and should be accepted gratefully when received, and reciprocated if so felt from the other side.