New to poly relationship, need advice.

S

Secretlove9

New member
I am currently in a relationship with another female and a male, they have been in a relationships together for some time now, and I am technically their secondary. I have had feelings for her for a long time and we are trying this whole thing out. What I need advice about is she is fearful that I am going to replace her or that he and I are progressing faster than she is in the relationship, however I dont feel that way because I don't really have intimate feelings for him. I am just really looking for advice on how to help her get through this, we are only about a month in, and she says she doesn't want to end our relationship. Anything helps and if anyone has questions, please ask. Thank you!
 
Hi Secretlove9,

I think it's the male's job to assure the primary female that he will not replace her. You can certainly assure her that you don't intend to take her place, but she mostly needs to hear it from him. And honestly, things are likely to progress faster in one relationship than in the other, it is almost impossible to make everything proceed at the exact same speed. You could certainly assure her that you do not have intimate feelings for him, but you can't realistically promise that it will stay that way. I think it's her job to get a handle on her jealousy/insecurity, you can only do so much.

Will you always be a secondary partner, or is there a chance you will eventually be a co-primary partner with both of them? I am just wondering.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
You can assure someone until you are blue in the face, but it is still up to them to accept it or not.
 
Eventually the goal is to be a co-primary. This is all very new to the 3 of us, and he and I both have explained this to her and she says she is working on it but she is just having a hard time.
 
If you have feelings for the woman but not the man, why do you need to date both of them? Why can't you just date the woman while being friends with her husband?
 
Again this is just something we are trying. They want the relationship to be between the 3 of us, which I am not opposed to but as of right now I have no feelings for him, or attraction. I have also been struggling with my sexuality being that I have realized I like girls more than guys.
 
MeeraReed said:
If you have feelings for the woman but not the man, why do you need to date both of them? Why can't you just date the woman while being friends with her husband?
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Secretlove9 said:
Again this is just something we are trying. They want the relationship to be between the 3 of us, which I am not opposed to but as of right now I have no feelings for him, or attraction. I have also been struggling with my sexuality being that I have realized I like girls more than guys.
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I wouldn't agree to attempt a triad relationship unless I was truly attracted to both members of the couple. If you only want her romantically/sexually/intimately, but they insist on you being in a role of Hot Bi Babe (HBB), a Unicorn to be Their Third, the arrangement isn't right for you.

It seems like neither you nor she want this shape of relationship. Impetus might be coming from the guy, who wants a threesome with him as the meat in the girl sandwich.

if you are interested in polyamory, it isn't necessary to be in a triad. Most poly people date people as individuals, they don't join the Borg. Or insist some be "added" to their couple relationship.

If you prefer women, don't date or fuck men.
 
I didn't say I wasn't attracted or interested in men, I just like women more. I am willing to try it being in a triad, we have been hanging out together and he'sa good friend, but I am just not there yet.
 
Secretlove9 said:
I am currently in a relationship with another female and a male, they have been in a relationships together for some time now, and I am technically their secondary. I have had feelings for her for a long time and we are trying this whole thing out. What I need advice about is she is fearful that I am going to replace her or that he and I are progressing faster than she is in the relationship, however I dont feel that way because I don't really have intimate feelings for him. I am just really looking for advice on how to help her get through this, we are only about a month in, and she says she doesn't want to end our relationship. Anything helps and if anyone has questions, please ask. Thank you!
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Have you tried telling her that you and he won't be progressing rapidly because you are just not into him? It is pointless to try something if you are basing the trial on a falsehood. Just communicate with her.

If I was in his position I would be horrified to find out it was all just pretend.
 
FallenAngelina said:
This tells you everything you need to know going forward. Your heart and your body are communicating with you loud and clear. Listen.
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He and I are trying to create a bond, she encourages us to do so. I am not saying it won't happen but right now it's just not there. Even though she encourages us to go on dates and spend time together she gets jealous and upset. I just want to help her.
 
Primaries need to check their sense of priviledge.

Secretlove9 said:
I didn't say I wasn't attracted or interested in men, I just like women more. I am willing to try it being in a triad, we have been hanging out together and he'sa good friend, but I am just not there yet.
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The problem I have with this is that I don't feel like it should be okay to try to force other people to date both of you if they like one of you. They may eventually find what they are looking for, but usually couples that put rigid guidelines on what they expect don't have much sucess. Should be respecting you as a person also, and I know that you didn't mind dying this but a true Triad has to have romantic feelings between the three because regardless somebody's going to feel like they've got the short end of the stick.
It really may be better for you to date just the female of this couple, or at least get it out there that you don't have feelings of love towards this man.
 
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