New to poly

Hi, Mark. Glad to know you are still with us.

I haven't read this thread before and it has left me a tad fearful of my future.

Last night I had a talk with both my men about the possibility of some day living together. I am very much on a "comfy plateau," as my husband puts it, but the two men are not, especially my husband. He is happy with our progress and is excited about us all being together in the same abode some day, but he is a slower mover than us... so we wait. Moving at the speed of his concerns.

How did you eventually deal with the sleeping situation?
Do you have your own room and your own time to sleep in it?
Do you get the time on your own that you need?

I would want my own room, for sure! Right now, my husband and I and our son live in 1200 square feet. The older our boy gets, the more room he seems to need. We have a large yard that he plays in, the whole reason we got this place, but in the winter he takes over the whole house with his energy. We have an apartment below that is the same size as our place, which was intended for us both to inhabit one day. When we got married we never expected to share our living space. We ended up like that because of circumstances, really. We could take that space over, but it isn't suitable for our situation. We would have to move if Mono lived with us and us with him.

My husband worries about me not taking time for myself, and that it would be worse if we all lived together. I can't see that happening, as right now I spend time traveling back and forth between my worlds. I expend a lot of energy hiding our lives from my parents, who live five houses down. They would have to be told. Also, I would have my own room to hide in and practice being alone (something I struggle with and mean to conquer).

Any ideas on what you would've done differently, or what has worked? Any strategical planning I should think about or guidelines that have worked?

I am so sorry to hear of your troubles. Keep at it. We are rooting for you.
 
redpepper said:
How did you eventually deal with the sleeping situation?
Do you have your own room and your own time to sleep in it?
Do you get the time on your own that you need?

I would want my own room for sure! Right now my husband and I and our son live in 1200 square feet. The older our boy gets the more room he seems to need. We have a large yard that he plays in, the whole reason we got this place, but in the winter he takes over the whole house with his energy. We have an apartment below that is the same size as our place which was intended for us both to inhabit one day. When we got married we never expected to share our living space. We ended up like that because of circumstance really. We could take that space over, but it isn't suitable for our situation.... we would have to move if Mono lived with us and us with him.
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I'm taking the liberty of responding to this because I brought up the same thing to Mark either earlier in this thread or in another thread about how his wife gets "angry" the morning after he has slept with #3.

I suggested that everyone have their "own" room because that way, it's not like he's "absent" from "their" room and the wives could "visit" him in his room and it would level the field somewhat. Mark shared that they don't have the space for everyone to have their own room unless he slept on the pool table (which stirs the imagination, don't you think?).

At my place, steve and I have been sleeping in separate rooms for the better part of a year. This has come about serendipitously. Initially he would just crash in my mother's old room (which is a lovely feminine shade of pink, I might add) when he came in late, but it didn't take long for us to realize we were both getting better quality of rest without me being woken up by his snoring and him being woken up by his allergies.

I am a big proponent of everyone having their own room, even if you do sleep together occasionally or all the time.
 
Hi, Redpepper. Nice to hear from you! I'll try to answer as many of your questions as possible.

I think the way you are moving at the speed your husband is comfy with would be a nice way to do it. We had planned to integrate my other love into our lives slowly, over about a year. However, significant life circumstances intervened-- a quickie divorce for our third, an even quicker sale of their home, a bad economy and virtually no financial support for her to live on, necessitated moving her in with us, which provided her with the emotional and physical support her broken soul sorely needed. We three simply had no option to proceed slowly.

Luckily, my sons had recently gone away to college, so we had plenty of space upstairs to renovate for her to make her own little abode.

One of the stress points for my wife in all this, in addition to being told she was married to a poly man (after 27 years), was that she wasn't able to "transition" slowly enough for her own comfort. My fault and life's fault, too. But we really didn't have any other choice.

I should also mention that my elderly mother lives upstairs with us. And, because my other love's house sold so fast, her daughter had to move into our game room for a couple of months, so my sleeping on the pool table wasn't an option, to YGirl's chagrin, I'm sure! Living with her father was not an option. She leaves for college next week. (Anybody got a headache yet?)

My wife and I have the bedroom downstairs. When my other love's daughter leaves next week, I'll resume sleeping upstairs with her one night, and then downstairs with my wife the next, or vice versa. Even I'm confused! My mother knows nothing of this, btw. She's old, hard of hearing and it's easy to work the logistics around her.

I don't really need my own room. I'm comfy with either of them at anytime, and can nap on the sofa, or by the pool, if necessary! However, my wife has remarked that it's really not a fair arrangement, since I never have to sleep alone, while they each do every other night. I see her point, but until the time my mom is no longer with us, we have no other room for me to move into. I guess she probably could have progressed into this poly life and developed the necessary compersion more quickly if we had all been on equal ground from the start.

I can understand you husband's worries about living together. My wife had some of the same concerns, even though we've known our friend/my lover for 20 years and they're best friends (but not intimate with each other, strictly hetero). As close as you three are in your life, your husband hasn't had 20 years to live with Mono, eat, laugh, camp, swim, cry, travel/vacation with him, etc. On the other hand, he did know you were poly, and you two have lived the life for quite some time, it seems, so that part should be easier.

From my side of it, I feel it is easier for all of us to live under the same roof. Sharing chores like laundry and cooking make it easier on everyone, and the mutual support during life's daily struggles amongst friends and loves is needed, IMO. The travelling logistics would be a hassle, and one of my loves would be completely alone in their house every other night, which would pain me more than separate bedrooms does now.

I would have liked a king-sized bed in one of the rooms, so all three of us could sleep together on those nights we aren't intimate. One of the things I know troubles both my loves is the fact that they would love to have a warm body alongside them every night. It's not all about the sex, it is about the security, warmth, companionship and snuggling with your loved one.

I should mention that we are polyfidelitous and they have no plans to add to our V. We do not particpate sexually as a threesome. They are both hopelessly monogomous, ala Mono. I am the poly one. I feel a king-sized bed is in the offing, but really don't want to push my wife any further, any faster than I already have. Time will sway her, I'm sure. I can wait for that. She's given me so much already.

What would I do differently?

I guess I would've given my wife more time to digest and come to compersion with what I've asked her to do.

Logistically? One more bedroom! We've come through last weekend's trauma a little stronger and more committed. And my wife thinks maybe she's done being jealous.

Life is too short. We are all best friends and can easily co-exist with each other and love each other. It would be a grand thing for all of us to grow old together, support each other in our later years, and experience all that life has to offer together.

I hope I touched on most of your questions. Thanks for the good thoughts and the support on your end, Redpepper. It is appreciated. Let me know if I can help you any further from my end. :)
 
Thanks, Mark! I am feeling far more reassured about our future. You have been very helpful in that I am even more patient with our progress and ability to be supportive to my wonderful men. All good advice! :)
 
redpepper said:
He is happy with our progress and is excited about us all being together in the same abode some day, but he is a slower mover than us, so we wait, moving at the speed of his concerns.
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I don't think your husband is moving slower than me, Lilo. I am excited about moving closer to you in the relatively near future, but I do have substantial fears with actually living with you both. We both know what these are.

The better things are between us, the more I fear doing things to change what I think you like about our current situation. Everything will come in time. I just don't want to do anything that I think leads to "us" changing. Patience, Love!
 
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