New to polyamory, some first time jitters

A

alienhearts

New member
Hey,

I started dating my best friend in January, and going into it I knew they were already in a (reasonably casual) relationship. Polyamory was definitely something that I considered as a challenge in starting this with my partner, but I felt that I could handle it and that it was worth it bc I'm completely in love with them. I've also considered polyamory for myself before so it's not like I'm 'putting up with this' just for their sake or anything

I've previously only been in one monogamous, heterosexual relationship before so this is all totally new ground for me. I have definitely struggled a little, and now the honeymoon period has worn off, my partner is wanting to spread their wings a little and start dating other people more regularly (having kept it to a minimum while our relationship got off the ground).

I definitely want to give dating other people a try too and I'm completely on board with this relationship style, but have had some issues with feeling insecure. I have a pretty serious anxiety disorder and there have been moments where I felt that maybe we should break up rather than have to face the pain of uncertainty

My biggest issue is that I have no one to talk to - i have only one friend other than my partner who has been in a polyamorous relationship before, but other than her, I can't talk to anyone about this because I know I'll get pitying looks and worry about whether I'm being used by my partner.

I'm not really jealous but more scared that my partner won't have enough time for me or will lose interest in me, which is mostly irrational as I know they are in love with me and we have a great relationship

What I'm looking for is some advice on how to deal, and also potentially (if this is allowed on this forum?) I'm looking for someone who might be interested in being my penpal so we can chat about polyamory things?

Thanks for your time, and sorry for the essay!
 
Eeeek issues with anxiety - I get those too, its really hard at times.

How intense is it for you? Is your partner supportive when you're feeling this way?

I have found that while I'm resilient and such there are some triggers which just turn me to mush.

xx
 
BirdsNest said:
Eeeek issues with anxiety - I get those too, its really hard at times.

How intense is it for you? Is your partner supportive when you're feeling this way?

I have found that while I'm resilient and such there are some triggers which just turn me to mush.

xx
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Most of the time im alright, but i have had one really big breakdown over it where i was seriously considering breaking up with my partner bc i was so scared and in pain - to be fair, im in the middle of my university finals so my anxiety is very bad at the moment more generally

my partner is very supportive and is very good at dealing with my mental health struggles tho I can't help but worry I have broken the trust a bit by admitting i was considering ending it because i was so stressed I didn't know if i could deal

it is a bit unfortunate that my partner has felt ready to get back into dating at one of the most stressful points of my year, but my exams are all done on monday and we're gonna have a talk and set down some boundaries in writing once I'm done.

What is it that makes you the most anxious & turns you to mush?
 
alienhearts said:
now the honeymoon period has worn off, my partner is wanting to spread their wings a little and start dating other people more regularly (having kept it to a minimum while our relationship got off the ground).....

I'm not really jealous but more scared that my partner won't have enough time for me or will lose interest in me, which is mostly irrational as I know they are in love with me and we have a great relationship
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The honeymoon is over after only four months and your partner is now looking for other relationships because yours is launched? I'd be petrified, too. That's an NRE junkie, not a stable partner. If you're feeling scared about this set-up, don't try to push away your fears, honor them. Telling yourself that you're being irrational just leads to more anxiety. Your fears are speaking to you and giving you guidance about your own values. Listen. Right now you're awfully focused on your partner's values and your partner's needs and devaluing your own as "irrational." You're trying to contort yourself into a compromising situation in order to have this relationship, which inevitably leads to anxiety. Just because you're open to polyamory doesn't mean that you have to go along with whatever your partner wants. Especially if you are prone to anxiety, it's paramount that you get better at knowing your values, your requirements, your boundaries and your vision for your life. As it is, it sounds like you might tend toward accommodating others so that you can have love. People who stand solidly in who they are have very little anxiety in relationships.

Four months is a ridiculously short time to be already feeling the itch for more glitter. Four months is not a launched relationship, it's a sputter. Your own fears are telling you this loud and clear.
 
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FallenAngelina said:
The honeymoon is over after only four months and your partner is now looking for other relationships because yours is launched? I'd be petrified, too. That's an NRE junkie, not a stable partner. If you're feeling scared about this set-up, don't try to push away your fears, honor them. Telling yourself that you're being irrational just leads to more anxiety. Your fears are speaking to you and giving you guidance about your own values. Listen. Right now you're awfully focused on your partner's values and your partner's needs and devaluing your own as "irrational." You're trying to contort yourself into a compromising situation in order to have this relationship, which inevitably leads to anxiety.

Four months is a ridiculously short time to be already feeling the itch for more glitter. Four months is not a launched relationship, it's a sputter. Your own fears are telling you this loud and clear.
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You understand that many poly people have NO honeymoon period where they remain exclusive. If they happen to meet someone else in the early stages, they see what can happen there as well.

Some people think it's a terrible idea to agree to a period of exclusivity, especially with someone new to poly.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
You understand that many poly people have NO honeymoon period where they remain exclusive. If they happen to meet someone else in the early stages, they see what can happen there as well.

Some people think it's a terrible idea to agree to a period of exclusivity, especially with someone new to poly.
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yeah, it's not really like that, we didnt agree to exclusivity - my partner has always been in another relationship, but hasn't been actively seeking new dates. They recently met someone who they went on a date with which is why there's been more for me to consider poly-wise over the last couple of weeks

you do make a reasonable point though, my partner has admitted that their relationships rarely last this long because of commitment issues after the initial hormones start to wear off, but they've been with me for 5 months and their other partner for 7, and theyre not looking to end either relationship at any point, just interested in dating which is something they have always enjoyed. Idk we've been best friends for years and i trust them on this front, theyre not ditching me in any way - we still spend most nights together etc etc
 
Hi! I'm always here to listen and chat if you need! My inbox is always open!

I also have anxiety! I get anxious about things not even on the horizon; but that only exist in a hypothetical.
The things that mainly trigger my anxiety are t hings that make me feel like I'm making my partners unhappy, that I'm failing, or not good enough.

One thing that may help is finding out how much you want to hear about the new date(s), and how much you don't. THe 'too much' line is different for everyone.

Your fears are very common. Sometimes, when someone is in the throws of NRE, they can get forgetful so to speak. Old partners temporarily get push aside; This is NOT something I'd say "grin and bear it" to. If that happens, bring it to them; say "I am feeling left out and forgotten"

What can help make sure that you don't lose time with them is to make sure you have dates set, or a schedule set up.

xo
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
You understand that many poly people have NO honeymoon period where they remain exclusive.
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I understand that many poly people have many poly agreements. Four months sounds ridiculous to me, but it doesn't really matter what my opinion is about how long a honeymoon should last or what it should entail. The key for harmony is in agreeing - really agreeing, not just using agreement words. The fact is, this poly agreement seems to be all about what the partner wants and very little about what alienhearts wants. Three posts in and we know a lot about what the partner wants and nothing about what alienhearts wants, except to accommodate the partner and to keep the partner in her life. What do you want, alienhearts?
 
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FallenAngelina said:
I understand that many poly people have many poly agreements. Four months sounds ridiculous to me, but it doesn't really matter what my opinion is about how long a honeymoon should last or what it should entail. The key for harmony is in agreeing - really agreeing, not just using agreement words. The fact is, this poly agreement seems to be all about what the partner wants and very little about what alienhearts wants. Three posts in and we know a lot about what the partner wants and nothing about what alienhearts wants, except to accommodate the partner and to keep the partner in her life. What do you want, alienhearts?
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But you're assuming that everyone experiencing NRE should also be exclusive. Or that these things are in any way connected.

What has NRE got to do with the desire to have multiple partners in your opinion?

In mine, they're hardly related. It's just that some people tend not to want new partners during to that time and some people don't want their partners to want new partners during that time.

There isn't any hard and fast rule that says "decent people wouldn't want a new partner until x months in/NRE is over".
 
FallenAngelina said:
I understand that many poly people have many poly agreements. Four months sounds ridiculous to me, but it doesn't really matter what my opinion is about how long a honeymoon should last or what it should entail. The key for harmony is in agreeing - really agreeing, not just using agreement words. The fact is, this poly agreement seems to be all about what the partner wants and very little about what alienhearts wants. Three posts in and we know a lot about what the partner wants and nothing about what alienhearts wants, except to accommodate the partner and to keep the partner in her life. What do you want, alienhearts?
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Basically, I don't know what I want (btw my pronouns and my partners are they/them <3)

In 3 weeks I'm moving away for work and im v intrigued by the idea of meeting new people and potentially dating casually and having casual sex for the first time, all things ive never done before because ive always felt quite insecure and weird about it, but with my relationship at my back I'm feeling sexual and social confidence in a different way than I ever have before - exciting!

I am scared though still about my partner forgetting about me and becoming more invested in other people (im only gonna be around for weekends for a year, and then we plan to move in together full time) but i do realise that this is hypocritical of me as i am also gonna be away potentially dating people and at the very least testing the waters.

i guess the thing is that my partner has much more experience than me in these areas and finds it much easier to form new relationships, so it's the age old problem, they will most likely find partners (and more partners) quicker than me, which is a bit scary

yeah. All i want is to feel secure, which is always gonna be struggle for me and was a struggle in my last, monogamous relationship too :)
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
I think it's a cop out to tell someone new to poly that someone healthy/decent would not date during NRE and then flounce when that is challenged.
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I didn't mean to dramatically flounce, it just seems that my perspective isn't helpful in this discussion. I really don't care to push my point of view if it's not helpful.

I never used the words decent or healthy, BTW. I was responding to alienheart's anxiety and fears and pointing out that they are not irrational. My experience is that most people, poly or not, would feel uneasy after only four months if their partner wanted to bring in even more partners, especially since there is already one other. Alienheart's fear of being replaced or less preferred after only four months is not irrational. The need to have a moratorium on new parters is not irrational. My aim was only to encourage alienheart to think more about what they want in a relationship and not to focus so intently on accommodating the partner, since over-accommodating and dismissing one's fears is a recipe for even more anxiety than is already present.
 
Thanks, ppg1969, that's what I was driving at. :)



alienhearts said:
All i want is to feel secure, which is always gonna be struggle for me and was a struggle in my last, monogamous relationship too :)
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Just because you have struggled does not mean that you always will struggle to experience emotional security in relationships. This is something a person can change. I see it all the time, both in myself and in others who are working on similar challenges. It's an important perspective shift to firstly know that changing how we approach intimacy is possible. There's no need to remain entrenched in old fears just because they are long time fears. Changing your experience of intimacy is possible by first knowing that change is possible.

The second step of change is honoring the guidance that your feelings are always offering you. Dismissing your fears as irrational is not honoring their guidance. You are calling your fears irrational based on information about what your partner wants ("scared that my partner won't have enough time for me or will lose interest in me, which is mostly irrational as I know they are in love with me and we have a great relationship") instead of on what is true for you ("I am scared though still about my partner forgetting about me and becoming more invested in other people..") Enjoyable polyamory requires that each person firstly knows their own needs, values and priorities. Yes, some poly agreements are ongoing openness with no cap, ever, on new lovers, but most poly people that I know in real life and online establish mutual limits while a relationship is new, not because it's decent or healthy (I made no such judgement in my previous comments) but because it's disconcerting and not possible for most people, poly or not, to maintain emotional security with an unfamiliar partner. Yes, you know your partner longer, but your sexually intimate relationship is still new. Five months is new. There's no recommended time for when to allow for new lovers, for it's up to each dyad to decide, but if one of the partners is experiencing significant anxiety, the time is definitely not now. Poly does not mean a perpetually open relationship, poly means choices - and workable choices depend entirely on knowing what each partner wants. That's why I ask again and again: What do you want? Not what do you want based on the life that your partner has claimed, what do you want in intimate relationships? You want to feel secure - and to start feeling more security and less anxiety, you must tune into your feelings and stop dismissing them as annoying barriers. Listen to their guidance. If something feels scary and too much, it is scary and too much right now. Back off a bit, slow down a bit, ask yourself if this is a shared value or if it's a place you're struggling to get to in order to have someone in your life. If perpetual openness is not working for you, then know it, honor it. Enjoyable poly exploration can only come out of standing firmly in knowing our own values and priorities. It is definitely possible to explore while also experiencing emotional security and the key is knowing ourselves first and honoring what is important to us.
 
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Hello alienhearts,

It sounds like your partner has two partners, you and one additional partner, and the additional partner is a reasonably casual relationship that they were already in. And besides these two partners, they also date various other people. They kept this dating to a minimum while your relationship with them got off the ground, but now they are wanting to start the dating back up again. For them, dating various other people is a familiar part of their life, but for you it is an unfamiliar prospect, and you are wondering what to expect. Will they still have time for you? Will they lose interest in you? You know that this is mostly your feelings (not your mind) talking, but you can't help but wonder if there isn't a grain of truth to it. Hopefully I've described your situation accurately?

I think it would help if your partner would only date just a small amount at first, and maybe increase that very slowly as you emotionally adjust. They should not expect you to suddenly be okay with them dating a lot all at once, you need time to see what a little bit of dating is like first. Talk to them about your needs and what would help.

I am happy to chat with you about polyamory things, you can chat with me via this thread or via PM, either way is fine, just drop me a line. Hopefully this thread has been helpful to you so far, if not let us know how we could be more helpful. I hope you and your partner get things worked out so you're not stressed all the time.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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