I wonder if part of this deals with being able to trust your decisions? Because you are undoing a decision your made in the past -- you are getting divorced? So maybe the decision to date Tony (even though it sounds like it is going fine) bugs you because you aren't confident in the relationship or in poly dating yet?
It's ok to feel uncertain about the Tony thing, but don't OVER think "being uncertain" either. You have divorce stuff to be doing. It's only been a year of dating. It's still new.
You may have to live on faith a little bit with Tony. You've been seeing him for a year, so far it's been ok. So... keep on dating and learning about each other. Trust it will keep being ok, and if it isn't? Trust that it isn't gonna be like the marriage. You've learned to bow out of ill fitting things faster. Have more faith in YOURSELF.
I am completely in love with Tony at this point but not sure if I can handle not knowing where the relationship is going.
Ask him then. What does he want in the relationship? Tell him what you want. See what does/does not line up. PARTICIPATE in this.
Will this relationship continue to be me being the lover who he visits and she gets all the benefits of nesting-in AND her other lovers? (Leaving me with the crumbs in a sense.)
To me if he's there 3x a week? He's nesting with you too.
What makes it "nesting" to you? What benefits are you wanting that you do not currently get?
I also worry that because I am not the primary, if anything happens Tony, I would be in the dark or shut out. Hopefully not.
So ask Tony about his preferences in this situation and what he's done about it. Like... are you listed in his "visit me in hospital list" in the hospital? Because a spouse gets "automatic standing" as next of kin in some places. Other people have to be on the list. Consider your own arrangements.
I think that I meant that in a nesting situation, bonds can be strengthened by sharing a home, finances, etc. in a way that a secondary relationship does not have the same bonds.
I think yes and no.
In a nesting situation, because of close proximity? People have more "unscheduled" encounters, conversation, etc. So possible opportunities to relate and build bonds.
That doesn't mean the opportunities are actually USED to do so. People can live in the same house and be like "ships in the night." Or they take the nesting relationship for granted assuming it's stable cuz "they are around all the time."
On the flip side, when you do not live with the person? BECAUSE time has to be made and scheduled? Sometimes people put more energy into strengthening the bonds because "It's not like I see you all the time" or because it is newer and they want to secure it.
Sometimes because opportunities are perceived as "rarer" people put TOO much pressure on that time together trying to do
all the things at once cuz "it will be a while before I see you again." Like it's a date AND processing something AND trying to see where the relationship is going AND... all on one occasion.
Both types of relationships (living together and not living together) have pros and cons about how the opportunities to interact come about. Both nesting and non-nesting relationship have to figure out what THEIR way of going is going to be so it suits the participants.
To me? The people that WANT to interact and work on it? Will. Whether they live in the same house or not. People that don't? Don't. They blow it off.
Could keep it simpler on yourself. Have you asked Tony to reassure you? Maybe a visual aid helps if you are struggling with the escalator thing. You could circle the ones you are up for right now and ask which ones he is up for right now.
https://i.pinimg.com/originals/eb/6...Mgy6EVZC2BeyTecRgyjA8NIx58StU5jQnsh8wiZNAiPmY
For me, it was fairly easy at first, but now I wish he could at least nest with me part-time. (He spends 3 nights a week with me, but he doesn't have anything besides a toothbrush here.)
Lots of hinges split time between two nests. Being there 3x a week? That IS nesting part time to me.
If he's there that much? I hope he's not on "perpetual guest" mode. I hope he's contributing to the home some -- taking out the trash, doing the dishes, etc.
Ask him if he needs a drawer to hold some clothes or a bathroom basket for his toiletries. Ask him if he needs other things in the home. Maybe he's been waiting on you to offer because he doesn't want to sound pushy.
TALK to your partner. And do more of this:
I think the best idea is just to be patient and enjoy.
The relationship with Tony doesn't
have to look like your past relationships. Let it unfold at its own pace and be what it is.
Galagirl
