New to polyamory

J

jdrayton2

New member
Hey everyone!

I decided to join this site because I am a married woman who just got out of a polygamous relationship with a female. This was me and my husband first time trying it out and it lasted for 7 months. It ended because I was not honest about my feelings which resulted in a huge mess. I miss her and just want some advice on the do's and don't of polyamorous relationships.
 
Hi jdrayton2,

I suppose the best way to learn the do's and don'ts of polyamorous relationships is to read the book, "More than Two: a practical guide to ethical polyamory," by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert. You can also find good advice scattered throughout the boards of this forum.

By the way, you can post your own intro using the following link: Introductions (start new thread). That way you won't have to worry about leading a thread off topic.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi and welcome. I moved your post to its own thread in the Poly Relationships forum and deleted the duplicate. Might be a good idea to read around and get a feel for how the boards work. Also check out the Guidelines.

So, to your questions. What were you dishonest about and to whom were you dishonest? Learning a little more about that would help us to know what kind of do's and don't's we should offer.
 
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Well it started out as friends just having sex no strings attached. And then it changed to she wanted more and love got involved. I was uncomfortable with the idea but didn't speak up about my feelings especially with the idea of having sex alone with each partner (never done that before only threesomes) . After about about a month I spoke up but she said it was to late because she can't trust me and it already caused a huge rift in our relationship. Looking back I wish I could have been honest because I did want more also just didn't know what to expect or how to express it. She also felt like it was always me and my husband against her and I'm not sure how to deal with that issue either.
 
What made her think it was you and your husband against her?

Re:
"I did want more also, just didn't know what to expect or how to express it."
Click to expand...

Perhaps, then, the honest thing to say would have been, "I do want more also, I just don't know what to expect or how to express it." Did you ever say anything like that (to your husband and girlfriend)?

Looking back on it, how would you have liked things to have gone differently, and how would you express that now?
 
Yes I tried to say all that after multiple arguments but she said she couldn't trust us. And she feels like it's her against us because I tell my husband everything and it's not that easy to open up to her. I've never been that close to anyone in my life so it's an adjustment process. I tried to explain it but she still feels left out and I can understand why. But I was willing to work on everything I guess it was too late though.
 
Maybe it was a learning experience, and you will have a better idea of what to do next time around?

I'm hearing a lot about the loss of trust; she felt like she couldn't trust you. What would have made her feel like she could trust you? Did she ever say?
 
Welcome! I am sorry it turned out how it did.

I see where you could have been more honest, but at the same time... Her saying it is too late for you to express yourself... Sounds kinda silly to me. People are always evolving. I think people have a responsibility to speak up and "report the weather" so others can know how they are doing.

It is not like anyone can mind reader others to know!

If after a month in she said she could not trust you, and it is like you two gang up on her... Why did she stay another 6 months? That makes no sense to me.

Were you actually ganging up on her on something? Or was it that you each had a reasonable opinion about solving something and she did not like reasonableness and taking time if it means she does not get her way NOW?

I am not sure what "telling him everything" actually means. It is fair to keep some things private between you and her. Or him and her. Or you and him. Each mini relationship inside the bigger polyship has to be healthy. You guys figure out where the privacy lines are. It is not healthy to be enmeshed with no personal boundaries.

It sounds like she wanted "instant intimacy" with you. And mad you expected to "build intimacy" instead?

Or she was a cowgirl trying to rope one of you off for just her by dividing and trying to break things up? If she was cowgirl then her staying another 6 mos trying makes sense to me.

A triad is a hard model. Going from zero to essentially three V's stacked together is a lot of layers.

I would suggest reading. You could start here:

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

https://www.morethantwo.com/polyamory-basics.html

It is by no means exhaustive, but those "hub" pages lead to a lot of articles.

Galagirl
 
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Thanks everyone for the feedback it has been extremely helpful in understanding the process. She says that she wants to remain friends but I'm not sure how to handle this. We shall how everything goes with time.
 
She says that she wants to remain friends but I'm not sure how to handle this.
Click to expand...

Dude, she does not trust you and still wants to be "friends?" For what? To suck you dry again?:eek:

You could say "Thanks, but I think it is better to just part ways."

Messy sounding person who lacks personal boundaries. The talk and walk do NOT match here. Sounds like push-pull behavior.

I could be wrong, but you might add these to you reading list.

Emotional vampire stuff. They only way I know how to rid myself of people like that is to be forever unavailable, not answer calls, emails, etc. So they flit off elsewhere. I do not like vampiring, much less re-vampiring.

http://outofthefog.net has a useful toolbox area.

Just because you poly doesn't mean you aren't going to run into some messed up people when you date. It also doesn't mean EVERYONE is nutty. Could learn to tell the difference between healthy behavior and messed up behavior. Saves grief all around to know how to spot shenanigans and just not be up for that so you can nip it in the bud.

In yours shoes? I would let this one go, heal from the break up, and keep reading/educating myself. Figure out your own boundaries -- what you are up for, what you are not. Then try again when ready.

Galagirl
 
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