New to polyamory

A

ard011310

New member
So I'm extremely new to the idea of a polyamorous relationship and am in need of some guidance!

A little over two years ago, I met my current boyfriend, we lost touch for a while, but finally got back in contact and have been going strong for 4 months. I've known he is married from the beginning, and she knows about us and our relationship. She lives in Nevada and we live in Washington State, and they see each other maybe 4 or 5 weekends a year...it's kind of like role reversal lol.

Anyways, he has mentioned that if things continue to progress with us, he and his wife have talked about divorce to be able to further our relationship (because of situations I don't want to explain, they are remaining married, it's honestly better for them at this point to stay married).

I know that she will always be in his life, they've been best friends for 18 years, and I'd never ask him to drop get from his life.

I guess what I'm wondering...are there certain "rules" that are typically followed in these relationships? Am I wrong that I ask him that when he's with her he calls me every night? (They talk on the phone when I'm around) Can I ask that I know about their general plans when he travels to see her? What are some basic guidelines that I can ask him to take into consideration...keeping in mind this is all new to me and before him I never even saw myself even becoming remotely open to this situation.

Any help is much appreciated!
 
Hi, ard011310 (is that your birth date? :D), and welcome!

Snap reply: No hard and fast RULES, but there are some sensible guidelines that are generally accepted. Surf the site and you'll find them. For me, one of the most important is to keep the communication open and to be HONEST. Another is to respect the feelings (including differences of opinion) of EVERYONE involved.

If there's some practical reason for them to remain married and this doesn't bother you, [if I were you, I'd] ask them to consider remaining married. You don't want to set yourself up for any blame in the future if things go wonky. ("I only divorced her for your sake, and look what's happened!") I'm not going to press you for the reasons of their continued matrimony, because I can imagine several valid ones (tax reasons, family opinions, health insurance coverage, children, immigration...)

To your specific questions Do you have the right to ask? Of course, yes! But he (or she) has a right to say no.

Talk to him about what's comfortable to you in the present situation and what would make you more comfortable. Find out what's comfortable for him... and her. You really have to create your own guidelines. And that means together: the two of you. (Ideally, the 3 of you, so that she doesn't resent you.)

Has he got any previous experience of polyamory? You don't say how long they've been living apart. But if he let you know right from the start that he was married and let her know about his relationship with you, that shows a level of integrity that SOME people are sadly lacking in*.

Any more questions or doubts, don't hesitate to mention them. We even deal with ones that you're embarrassed to admit to. The 2 that you mention seem quite reasonable to me (no embarrassment needed), especially if you're reasonable about the meaning of "their general plans"; though when the NRE (new relationship energy: you can search that term here) simmers down, you may want to modify that "every night" (maybe not). Tell him that when you ask him about it. If he's an old hand at poly, he'll know where you're coming from. If not, explain.

Sorry, I can't give you a guide book (there ARE guidebooks, but I've never read them, so I'll leave it to others to recommend them), but I hope that helps.

* Unless he's lied to you about her knowing... which would make him a liar and a cheat (not that I believe this of him, just to be strictly accurate).
 
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Thank you for your reply! You covered a couple of the valid reasons for their continued marriage :) they have spent more time apart than together, in fact the time we have spent together is longer than the time they have spent physically together...he was in the Navy, so he was overseas a great majority of their relationship, and now he has a job up here and she has one in her state.

This is his first relationship he's been polyamorous in. He's not the most sensitive or emotional guy...we joke about his lack of empathy lol (I'm extremely empathetic, it's like night and day really but it's a good balance). I've always told him that I respect him for telling me from the get go that he was married. On a side note, this last time he went to go see her, she actually suggested we find a house to buy (rather than renting like we currently do).

I think where a lot of my worry comes from its the fact that I'm an extremely jealous person, but really, who doesn't struggle with that on some level? There is quite an age difference (he's 52, I'm 27) and where it doesn't bother him nor I, I know that there are times where his wife has made comment to my age (she's 40). Maybe that's her dealing with her own jealousy? I don't know. He just asks if I'm happy, I say of course, and he says then don't worry what other people think.

Just a whole new situation giving me a scatter brain feeling lol...but I'm totally open to continuing with this kind of relationship with him. Our communication is great...he's been out of state on work, so I haven't had a chance to talk to him about my "acceptance" of or "revelation" of this...not exactly a conversation I want to have through text or on the phone haha.

Thank you again!
 
You're probably going to get some comments (on this forum and/or off it) telling you to get out of a relationship with such a wide age-difference. "They don't work. Take it from me!" But there have been some huge success stories involving an even greater difference in age, and you've obviously given this aspect a lot of thought already. Just let me (bearing in mind that NRE thingie) mention the following possible "dangers":

a) If he has children (who might even be older than you), this could lead to conflict with them.

b) Watch out for power games, controlling.

c) Especially the feeling either (or both) of you might have that he MUST know better than you, and that you have "so much to learn" from him.

As long as you keep up the "great" communication, these potential problem can be dealt with. Never lose sight of the fact that you have just as much worth as a person as he has. Age has NOTHING to do with that.

The jealousy. I'm about to get into trouble with other members here because of my disturbing sense of humour. If laughing at your troubles is your "thang", you may read this paragraph. If you have trouble with off-beat humour, do not read it. Jump to the next one. Do it NOW! Hmmdeha ha blah blah blah, has she stopped looking? OK. I don't think you should be jealous of her. They've been together, chosen to live apart. He loves you and wants to be with you. What you should worry about is his finding a new hotty younger than yourself. Make sure that you grill him every time that he's out of your sight for more than 4 minutes. Where has he been? With WHOM? Doing what? If he likes younger women, you're always in danger that he'll find a newer model. blah dee blah doodah harrumpf.

OK, let's talk seriously. Nobody can promise "happy ever after". FALSE!!! Loads of people can and do promise just that. But nobody - and nothing - can guarantee it. Jealousy is largely a fear of losing what you have. I'm not going to lie and say that there's no way that you're going to lose it... but it's not something to worry about now. I tell you what: worry about it in 13 weeks from now. And - if things are going well in 13 weeks - postpone the worrying for another 13 weeks...

Another aspect of jealousy is not wanting to share the good thing that you've got with anyone else. Unreasonable, you might tell yourself... but these feelings are there. Does it help at all to consider that his wife is willing to share him with you?

Even poly people get jealous.

I repeat: They've been together, chosen to live apart. He loves you and wants to be with you. (Sorry: that was hidden in that paragraph that you didn't read.) Be happy about that.

I repeat: be open. Communicate with him about the jealousy, as well. Look for ways together to reduce it.

I've chosen to be flippant about the jealousy, because there IS no sure-fire solution. Everybody has to work this one out on their own.

Believe that you are worth loving. Love yourself. That might help.
 
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Haha! I empires your humor ;) and you brought up a valid point that I keep failing to see...they have chosen to be apart, and of all people (even those his age) he has chosen me to love. I really do just need to have faith in that!

He does have kids, the oldest is a few years younger than I am...there's no issue there.

The controlling part....he's only controlling in the area that counts...won't say anything more on that lol

And we are really good at teaching each other things that we didn't know before...bringing a new perspective on everything because of the difference.

I actually just got the words "love yourself" tattooed on my forearm a couple months ago....seems I need to look at it more often ;)
 
Hi ard011310,

The only rules that are supposed to be followed in poly are honesty and consent. Beyond that, you work out each relationship as the unique thing that it is.

Having said that, it strikes me that this man and his wife only get together four or five weekends a year, and that's not very much. So maybe they want to hoard what time and privacy they have. This doesn't mean you can't ask certain things of them, it just explains why they might be a little reluctant to comply. At which point you'd perhaps negotiate for a compromise all three of you can live with.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
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