New to the exploration

[KaraLilly]

This will serve as both my introduction, to tell my story, and to seek comfort in my transition into this world, with my fiance.

My fiance Jed and I have known each other for 8 years. We've been an official couple for 3 years, and have been living together for 2.5. He is 35 and I am 33-years old. We are, by all appearances, a married couple, though we do not have a piece of paper to show for it. We have joint finances and all that jazz. We have been through some incredibly hard times together and have worked very hard to be a couple.

I have anxiety/depression, and self-esteem issues. Jed's issues were fidelity and being honest with me. We've pretty much worked those out. But we also had issues due to outside influences, such as unemployment and financial issues, pregnancy and miscarriage, deaths of family members, and issues with our children from previous relationships. We've conquered it all.

Now to introduce polyamory. I have known of it for about 10 years. I lamely attempted it with a former partner. It didn't quite work out and we ended our relationship. It wasn't necessarily the polyamory that split us up. We were very young, and for lack of better term, dumb.

Jed has never tried it. He just failed miserably at monogamy. He was never able to be faithful to any of this partners, even me (in the beginning). Cheating was his crutch to boost his ego, as he admits. I have mostly been monogamous my whole life. I have always wondered about polyamory. I knew that it worked for some people. I wondered if I was one of those people who could handle it.

About a month ago, I suggested to Jed that we begin a discussion about exploring an open or poly relationship. He said he'd never thought about it before, but was willing to explore. So we began with just talking with other people, to see if there was anyone interesting out there. We went on one couples date, but nothing came of it.

He went on two dates. He's made a very strong connection with the second woman he went on a date with, and they would like to progress further. I became instantly uncomfortable with the idea of this. The jealousy and fear began to creep in.

We stayed up all night discussing it. We agreed that things would wait while I took some time to get comfortable with this. So for the past 3 or 4 days, it has been discussion after discussion, with both him and with her. She has been completely amazing. She's been poly for 8 years with her partner of 18 years. She has been a source of great comfort for me, understands exactly what I'm feeling, and reminds me that my relationship with Jed is top priority, and she has no desire to come between that, and if she ever felt like she were, she'd back off.

Talking with Jed, his potential partner, and her lovers (including her husband) has all made me feel much better. However, I'm still struggling with letting go. I imagine them having sex and I get all worked up and jealous. I recognize this and try to soothe myself and talk myself through these feelings, which I know are completely normal.

I have asked him to wait till I find someone for myself, as well, because we are doing this together, and he's moved ahead of me. I don't know if that makes sense, but everyone told me it has. I tend to be selective with potential partners and have not yet met someone with whom I have sparks. So I am simply trying to process the idea of him and another woman. It's very difficult to get past these emotions.

He explains that his relationship with her would not take away from the special bond that we have. It would be an add on, not a subtraction.

I just want some help transitioning into this life. I wanted to open things up and explore this. I had no one in mind when I did so. I just want to expand my mind and explore the boundaries of life. I can't tell you why I feel so compelled to do this, to force myself past this discomfort, but I feel the urge to. I am hurting a little, but still desire to move past the base emotions I am feeling to a place of loving trusting freedom.

Help!

 

[TheBlackSwede]

It sounds like all the right discussions have been had, and that you have a great support network for all this, that's awesome. My wife went through a lot of the same emotions you are when I brought up polyamory. I think they're pretty standard-- jealousy, feelings of inadequacy, etc. I had some of these feelings myself when she took a lover.

What helped her get over her worked-up jealousy was taking a lover. That kind of puts into perspective what has been said. I guess it actually hits home when you experience it. We're still new at this. But hey, maybe you need a boyfriend.

 

[KaraLilly]

It sounds like all the right discussions have been had, and that you have a great support network for all this, that's awesome. My wife went through a lot of the same emotions you are when I brought up polyamory I think it's pretty standard-- jealousy, feelings of inadequacy. I had some of these feelings myself.

What helped her get over her worked up jealousy was taking a lover. That kind of puts into perspective what has been said. I guess it actually hits home when you experience it. Maybe you need a boyfriend.

That is precisely why I asked him to wait for me to find a boyfriend. If we go at the same pace (at least for this first one) and experience all the feelings together, it will not only make us closer, but help us both understand and be there for one another.

I really need a boyfriend. I've talked to several men (and women), and so far I have no real sparks with anyone. The woman Jed has chosen is perfect, but she's straight, so there's goes that idea. This may sound strange, but I would prefer this first foray into poly to be with a man, and not a woman, since we cannot share our first. I feel like it will be more equal that way.

 

[redpepper]

I disagree that finding a partner at the same time is the way to get over jealousy. There is a strong chance that the two of you will be in NRE at the same time, that a competition will arise, and that the two of you will become less connected. That being said, of course, finding another suitable partner is important. But the key is "suitable." There is also the possibility that you may just settle in order to please Jed, because he is waiting for you, or because you want what he has.

People are not commodities. They are not like something we buy, like the next best cell phone. It isn't fair to them, or you. It's great that you are looking for love, but that is a very different thing when it's because your partner has found something promising. I would suggest that it would be damaging to your self esteem and feelings of self worth, much more than feelings of jealousy.

I suggest that you do some reading on jealousy on here. We have written about it a lot. What does it mean to you? What is the threat underneath it? What is the underlying fear? What needs of yours do you think won't be met by him starting a relationship with someone else? What boundaries do you need to have in place in order for you to feel comfortable with the pace that they go at, or in order to feel special to him still?

This is the time to look after yourself, to be your own primary. This isn't the best time, imo, to be offering yourself to others in terms of a relationship. Take care of yourself, and do the things that make you feel special. Decide on some new things to make you feel special too. You could be up nights while he is out with this new person, feeling his NRE.

Take charge of your own situation. Walk right through that jealousy. It's your friend. It will tell you things that you aren't aware of because of fear. So listen to yourself and start from there. If Jed and this new woman are respectful, they will give you the time you ask for, I think.

 

[KaraLilly]

I disagree that finding a partner at the same time is the way to get over jealousy. There is a strong chance that the two of you will be in NRE at the same time, that a competition will arise, and that the two of you will become less connected. That being said, of course, finding another suitable partner is important, but the key is "suitable." There is also the possibility that you may just settle in order to please Jed, because he is waiting for you, or because you want what he has.

I fully understand what you are saying about the potential loss of attachment if we are in NRE at the same time. It is definitely something to consider. Our relationship is our #1 priority. All others are to be secondary.

People are not commodities. They are not like something we buy like the next best cell phone. It isn't fair to them or you. It's great that you are looking for love, but that is a very different thing when it's because your partner has found something with potential. I would suggest that it would be damaging to your self esteem and feelings of self worth, much more than feelings of jealousy.

I do not look at it that way at all. I apologize if that's how my words came across. I have had many offers from other men at the moment, but none of them are suitable for me. That's why I haven't settled. I'm not really able to "settle," to be honest with you. If it doesn't feel right, then I won't do it. I can't.

We aren't necessarily looking for love right now. We are looking for friends to do things with, where there is a connection and we are permitted to be sexual. I know this could change in the future as boundaries shift in these types of relationships.

I would suggest that you do some reading on jealousy on here. What does it mean to you? What is the threat underneath it? What is the underlying fear? What needs do you think won't be met by him starting a relationship with someone else? What boundaries do you need to have in place in order for you to feel comfortable with the pace that they go at, or in order to feel special to him, still?

This is a very good suggestion. I know my jealousy simply stems from my lack of self esteem. While logically I'm know I'm totally awesome and a great partner and friend, I also suffer from feelings of awkwardness, and like there is something wrong with me. That's been a struggle my whole life.

With this situation, I am facing these things head on, because I want to beat them, learn how to acknowledge them, and not allow them to control me. I think my fear is having less of a connection with him, and that she will somehow be better, which is totally normal, I know. It's just allowing myself to get past it.

She's an amazing woman and extremely supportive of this. She isn't rushing. She does nothing but nurture Jed and me, and guide us through this transition. I couldn't have asked for him to find someone better, to be honest.

My boundaries right now start at physical interaction. I'm just not comfortable with that yet. We talk it over constantly. Jed does all he can to reassure me that sex isn't the ultimate goal, but he'd like to be able to it some day. He also does all he can to show me he loves me and let me know I'm his #1, his soul mate. What we have built can't compare to anything he may have with someone else.

I feel the same way. We have been through hell and back many times over. We've fought together for this. I want no other man to be on the same level with him. They can't compare. If it's that way for me, why is it so hard for me to accept it could truly be that way for him?

This is the time to look after yourself and be your own primary. This isn't the best time to be offering yourself to others in terms of a relationship. Take care of yourself, and do the things that make you feel special. Decide on some new things to make you feel special, too. You could be up nights while Jed is out with this new woman..

I probably will be up nights while he is out with his new flame. Right now, there are no sleepovers, so it won't be all night. I know Jed will come home and talk to me about what transpired between them. I'm sure she'll talk to me about it, as well.

This is a process. I'm learning to trust it and go with my instincts. My instincts are telling me to keep talking, keep working through what I'm feeling, and when I'm ready I will give them my blessing for physical relations. It will probably still sting a little, and I may hurt, but hopefully through much talking and reassurance, this transition can be made and I will learn how to cope with this better. Or maybe it won't be nearly as bad as I thought, and I'll adjust.

Take charge of your own situation. Walk right through that jealousy. It will tell you things that you aren't aware of. Listen to yourself. If Jed and this new woman are respectful, they will give you the time you ask for.

I am walking through this jealousy every day. I am working on it piece by piece. I am being handled in the most loving caring way by both of them, which is all I can ask. They are giving me the time I need.

When he appears to get too eager, I let him know how I feel when he does that, and he backs off and lets me guide them to my comfort level. I am getting better slowly.

It has only been 3 or 4 days since they met in person and decided they would like to pursue something more, so I need to give myself time too. That's exactly what I'm doing. I just need all the support to walk through to the other side.

Thank you very much for your knowledgeable words and support. I know this can work. I know I can make it through. I just have to be patient with myself.

 

[redpepper]

Karalilly, you seem to be doing well. Good for you. This whole poly thing really brings a lot of stuff up for people, on such a personal level, doesn't it? It's as much of a challenge personally as it is in terms of relationships with others. It sounds like you are embracing that and aware of what is going on for you. The challenge of creating self esteem is a good place to start, in terms of what you can do for yourself.

It sounds like you are willing to take the bull by the horns and become an even more amazing and wonderful person. In my experience, this is very attractive to others, and it's very empowering. I have no doubt that as a result Jed will be even more proud to be with you, more in love with you. And others will be drawn to that empowered person you will become if you are able to take on your self.