New to the idea... from FWBs to polyamory

N

Naomi

New member
Hi all,

I'm looking for a little advice. My fiance Brett and I are just beginning to dip our toes into the waters of polyamory. We are both completely new to it and have only recently discussed actually acting on the idea of us having romantic, loving relationships outside of our relationship. We've discussed polyamory before.

We've had an open relationship for about two out of the four years we've been together. For those two years, we've been having sex with other people, mostly together and sometimes without each other, always being totally honest and planning it all beforehand, never doing anything unless the other knew about it and was totally okay with it happening. We have never had any romantic relationships with any of these people... only friends, with some awesome sex!

Over that time, I've developed feelings for a FWB I've had, Tai. He and I have been sleeping together on and off for about two years. The only reason we were ever "off" was because he got a girlfriend. Anyway, I've developed some serious feelings for Tai, as he's one of my best friends, and I also enjoy having sex with him. Brett noticed this and had a talk with me about it, letting me know he's okay that I have these feelings. He's even okay with me pursuing them and becoming this Tai's girlfriend!

Now, the problem I am having is what to do from here. I'm not sure how to bring it up with Tai, and I'm in pain almost every day now wondering how he feels about me! Furthermore, Tai has no idea that Brett and I are now okay with romantic feelings developing, so I feel like even if he does have feelings, he’d be holding back because he thinks it wouldn’t be okay. It's driving me crazy.

But Tai has made it clear to me, many times, he's not the sharing type. So I really feel like there isn't a chance he'd even be into it. I also don't want to rush and bring it up, because he just got out of a relationship. To complicate things further, he's actually moving in with Brett and me next month, as a roommate.

I keep wondering if I'll be able to keep having sex with him, even if he doesn't feel the same. And I wonder why I'm so hurt right now... Because the truth is, even if he does feel the same, and we do enter into a romantic relationship, it's not like it will be exclusive, and I'd have to prepare myself for the inevitability of him leaving me to find a wife and start a family, because I can't be those things for him. I'm not looking to have another husband - NOT another equal partner. I'm looking for a secondary partner. I have already found the man whom I want to marry and have children with... And I’m pretty sure that Tai, whom I want to be my secondary, is the type who does eventually want a wife and a family.

Anyway, I guess you can tell I’m kind of confused and in pain. I just have no one to ask about these sorts of things and I’m trying to figure out what the hell to do.

I imagine I’m not the only one that’s been completely confused as to how to approach the second partner! Especially when the second partner is a good friend whom you’ve had a sexual relationship with... Not to mention Tai also probably has no idea polyamory exists. He’s pretty vanilla when it comes to these things. It took him a while to warm up to the idea of sleeping with me while I had a fiancé and Brett being okay with it.

Any and all advice or comments is greatly appreciated.
 
Wow, sounds like there's a lot to consider. I'm sorry you're in such a painful situation. This bit confused me:
But Tai has made it clear to me, many times, that he's not the sharing type.
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By having a sexual relationship with you while you were engaged, hasn't he already been sharing you?

I understand that he might not want to allow himself to develop feelings for you because he sees you as "taken", but honestly, you never know until you ask. Yes, you might be hurt by his response, and yes, you might have to face ending a sexual relationship with him, but would you really want to continue one anyway if you're this torn up about it/him?

Though I understand the timing of him just getting out a relationship isn't good, I can't suggest strongly enough that you bring this up BEFORE he moves in. Waiting until after isn't going to help anyone and could potentially make the situation worse and even more painful.

I would try to think of it this way: doesn't he deserve to know how you feel? If you want to ask him to consider possibilities, don't you have to let him know about the possibilities that exist? How can he make any sort of informed choice or decision if he doesn't have all the facts?
 
Wow, thank you so much for your reply! :)

I think you are right. But when I brought this up with Brett, that maybe I should tell Tai before he moved in, Brett thought it was too soon, said I was obsessing and shouldn't say anything, because Tai just got out of a relationship, etc. But I think you have a real point.

And, if I can't bring this up with Brett, then my chances of having any sort of romantic relationship with Tai, while I am with Brett, are slim to none, because if it's going to work, I need to feel like I can talk to Brett about anything still.

Sigh. I'm so scared! Lol. Having these feelings in the first place scared the shit out of me, because I love Brett with all my heart and we have this amazing relationship. If this thing with the Tai fucked it up, I'd be heartbroken. Yeah, I'd be sad if I had to end my relationship with Tai, but nowhere near as upset as I would be if I had to end my relationship with Brett.

Anyway, thank you so much for your response. You've really helped me. It's nice to just put the problem out there and get a thoughtful reply from someone who probably has at least some idea of what I'm going through. lol. None of my friends really would at all.
 
Gee, how nice that Brett is okay with your feelings... as if your feelings need to be approved by anyone else! Grrr. Sorry, but I had to get that out. It just rubbed me the wrong way.

Anyway... so, you develop deeper feelings for an NSA sex partner, discuss it with your fiance, and he gives you the go-ahead to pursue the guy as a boyfriend. So, now you feel you need to do something about it-- great!

However, you're pretty sure that Tai won't want to invest in being a boyfriend, because he'll eventually want a serious relationship moving toward marriage, which you cannot offer. Yet, you don't want him as an equal partner anyway. Hmm...

And, even though he's been sharing you with your fiance, he wouldn't share himself with you and a "serious" girlfriend, because he "doesn't share." Oh, and besides that, he's "vanilla." Makes sense, I suppose (not really :rolleyes:). But what does that say about his respect for you, I wonder? Something to consider.

In addition, he's about to move in with you and Brett as a roommate! That could complicate things (putting it mildly), especially if he does start seeing someone while living there with the two of you.

I can understand your confusion, but you say you're in pain... why? I ask because, despite the fact that these feelings have been building, Brett has now granted you permission to act on them, but you don't know how Tai feels about you.

I think the problem here is, now that you are clear on your feelings, and Brett is understanding and consents, you have the idea that you must act on these feelings and make a relationship out of it.

Maybe not!

Maybe it is progress enough at this point that you have a deeper understanding of yourself, your emotions, and of your relationship with Brett. Perhaps you would learn a great deal more about yourself by just being with this mix of emotions you have, and not do anything with them but feel them, for now. It is a big deal that you won't have to hide your feelings for Tai from Brett, and that is something to appreciate.

Why not be patient, try not to rush into anything and just for a while (like, a few months at least), let yourself feel your attraction to him, the excitement of being around him, adjust to him being in your living space, etc.? See how things go with having your sexual partner living with you both. That in itself is a major shift in your dynamic, so go slowly. Breathe, and try to get your feet back on the ground.

Eventually, you and Brett will know if/when the time is right for you to bring up the possibility of a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship with Tai, if that is something you still want. It might not be! And you will have a sense of how to do that, whether you tell Tai in private, or you and Brett both sit down with Tai to talk, or it just evolves naturally from living together and continuing the involvement you already have.

Good luck with it all!
 
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If it were me, I would want to get all this out in the open before he moves in. That just presents too many possibilities for things to go upside-down, and then Tai would be stuck looking for a new place to live in the midst of painful feelings.

If you have feelings for him and you're at all interested in a romantic relationship with him, then you'll have to learn to be open and honest at some point. Why not start now? If you keep it to yourself, you're setting yourself up for heartache every time he goes out with a new girl and puts you in the "no" box.

From my impression of the situation, it doesn't sound like there's a lot of chance for this to work out the way you'd like. You've already decided that if you are in a relationship with him, he will be secondary. If he already said he doesn't like to share, I'd wager he likes it even less when he's in a prescribed secondary person. "I love you, but no matter what you do or how our relationship grows, you will never be as important as this other person." Ouch.
 
NYCindie, thanks for the response. I think you raise very good points. See, the thing I'm worried about is, Tai moves in, I get to see him all the time, the feelings for him grow more and more... Then a few months down the road, I tell him how I feel, and either things go great, or a) he doesn't return my feelings at all, and now I have to see him every day, while I try to move on from those feelings, or b) he doesn't return my feelings, and feels uncomfortable and weird that I didn't inform him of these feelings BEFORE he moved in. I don't want him to feel uncomfortable and all of a sudden need to find a new place to live. If he weren't moving in, I wouldn't be rushing this... or at least I like to think so. But like you pointed out, it's almost like I now, all of a sudden, feel like I HAVE to do something.

SchrodingersCat (sweet name, btw), I appreciate your response. I kinda feel like I'm leaning more that way. I'm the type of person that just gets everything out in the open right away. I don't do well with keeping secrets, and I feel like this is a pretty big one to keep inside. Then again, I can tend to rush things, be impatient and get a little needy/clingy if I'm not careful. And I really don't want to do that.

And then there's the whole "I love you, but no matter what you do, or how our relationship grows, you will never be as important as this other person." Like you said, I think that probably would be painful to hear. But it's the truth!

Sigh...

Tai is supposed to come over today and hang out, and discuss moving in with the two of us, so I was thinking I'd tell him today. But I'm still confused as to what to do. Bah!
 
I think Brett is right in saying you are a bit obsessed with this right now.

Naomi said:
I'm still confused as to what to do.
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Consider this: you may just be immersed in the heady euphoria of oxytocin and dopamine, and it isn't love at all, just a chemical cocktail resulting from connecting with someone on a level that goes a bit further than the physical, aka new relationship energy (NRE).

New relationship energy - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org en.wikipedia.org

That's one reason why I think it is better to be cautious and wait to say anything. I have the sense you still need to sort your feelings out. Most guys have certain beliefs and reactions to the word love. If you bring it up before the time is right, it could make everyone awkward and uncomfortable around each other, which is not what he needs after coming from a break-up and moving to a new living situation.

I do see value in not taking action on these feelings, as there is a lot to be said for not letting our emotions control our behaviors, and disciplining ourselves to feel them without vomiting them all over the people we know. It's about self-management, and always a good lesson.

That's just how I see it. I hope it is helpful.
 
nycindie said:
Consider this: you may just be immersed in the heady euphoria of oxytocin and dopamine, and it isn't love at all, just a chemical cocktail resulting from connecting with someone on a level that goes a bit further than the physical.
Click to expand...

NYCindie, that was a fascinating article! Thank you SO much!
 
NYCindie, I will DEFINITELY check that out. I just don't really have the time to read right now, but I wanted to reply to ya.

I think you are right. In either case, I have decided to wait to tell him. Whenever he and I are hanging out alone together again, and it feels right to do so, I'll find a way to let him know that the boundaries of the relationship with Brett have changed, that we are now okay with pursuing romantic relationships outside of each other. This will give him some time to digest it. I won't be hitting him with a double whammy-- "My relationship with Brett has changed, oh, AND I'm in love with you." Lol.

In addition, like Brett pointed out, I might find that Tai actually comes to me with any feelings he might have after awhile, once I've made it known it would be okay to do so.

In either case, I'm sure I will tell him eventually, but it's not like I have to admit I've had the feelings forever. He's probably not even gonna ask. All that matters is my feelings at the time of me telling him.

And in the meantime, I'll do what you said-- enjoy the changing of things now! And the truth is, the main thing I want to change between Tai and me is that we spend more time together. Him moving in will prolly lead to that! Lol.

Thanks again, all. :)
 
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