New to this; Confused

Yes, I do value my friendship.

Yes, she does know he wants a divorce.

Yes, I do see this ending badly. I was trying to avoid that because I am the type who likes to make others happy before herself. I need to stop being like that.

If I end things with him, I'll lose him.

If he ends his marriage and continues this with me, I'll lose my friend.

Either way I lose someone I care about. It's hard.

I wish I would have thought this through more.
 
I know this is not fun for you. :(

Good judgement is sometimes grown out of bad judgement and bad experiences.

You could stop thinking about what you could lose and think about what you could GAIN.

  • If you end things with him, you could keep the friend, keep yourself and your kid out of Crazy Town, and gain freedom from all this wacky.
  • If he ends his marriage and you choose to continue with him, you gain more Crazy Town.

I wish I would have thought this through more.
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You can think it out now. Don't beat yourself up over it so you are immobilized. That's not effective. :(

Sometimes the choices in life are not "win or lose" but "which stinks least?" When choice 1 sucks, and choice 2 sucks, you could pick the one that is self-respecting behavior so you can live with it better and it stinks less.

Which is more self-respecting and stinks less?

  • Choosing to keep participating in this and expose yourself and your kid to more Crazy Town? (Suckage with no end in sight?)
  • Or choosing to get you and your kid out of the line of fire from Crazy Town? (Short-term break up suckage, but then healing and long-term health later-- suckage with an end point.)

The best choice would have been not to sign up for suckage at all, but that window of opportunity is long past.

Now that you are here at this place, you could go for least suckage and better hope for healing. This is a new window of opportunity. Choose well.

Hang in there,
Galagirl
 
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BoringGuy said:
If anyone would like to contribute to the cause, PM me and i'll tell you my address where you can mail me your used Kleenex. It doesn't have to be Kleenex, it can also be the generic brand.
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I don't have any used Kleenex, but we had a party last weekend, and I have a lot of used Summer's Eve cleansing cloths that I could send! Would that help? :)
 
AmyGirl85 said:
Yes I do value my friendship.

Yes she does know he wants a divorce.

Yes I do see this ending badly. I was trying to avoid that because I am the type who likes to make others happy before myself. I need to stop being like that.

If I end things with him, I'll lose him.

If he ends his marriage and continues this with me, I'll lose my friend.

Either way I lose someone I care about. Its hard.

I wish I would have thought this through more.
Click to expand...

Many times, the most kind and loving thing we can do for those we care about is to let go and walk away. We can't fix them.
 
AmyGirl85 said:
I wish I would have thought this through more.
Click to expand...

You are thinking things through now! You are only 2 months into this. There is still time to get rational and make a logical decision.
 
AmyGirl85 said:
Yes, I do value my friendship.

Yes, she does know he wants a divorce.

Yes, I do see this ending badly. I was trying to avoid that because I am the type who likes to make others happy before myself. I need to stop being like that.

If I end things with him, I'll lose him.

If he ends his marriage and continues this with me, I'll lose my friend.

Either way I lose someone I care about. It's hard.

I wish I would have thought this through more.
Click to expand...

It is easy to see now, but I doubt you had much of a clue going in. Often we have to experience something to really understand it. Does it make what you are having to deal with fun? Absolutely not. But don't guilt yourself over what you didn't know in advance. (Been there, done that.)

Are you able to express to each of them what you have expressed to us? That you feel like you will ultimately be made to choose? They are equally responsible for creating this situation. I bet neither of them wants to lose you either - but you are not a prize to be won. If their marriage dissolves, can't they have the dignity to do it without making you take sides?

As for wanting to make others happy before yourself, I get that. I tend to operate that way as well. However, I have learned the hard way that some people would rather be unhappy, than compromise.
 
Sometimes the right decision is the hardest.

Honestly, I think you need to bow out and allow them to work on their relationship. Do you really want to be labeled as a homewrecker by your long-time friend?

As for losing him, honestly, he doesn't sound like much of a catch. He sounds a bit self-centered. Why else would he be hurting people he cares about over and over?
 
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