New to this wonderful website (50 year old Deaf Bi/Gay Male in an odd poly relationship)

[SeattleGuy2024]

Hi everyone,

I just have found this website. This website is full of many wonderful people that are supportive. I like this. I am a 50 year old Deaf bi/gay male who is in an odd poly relationship.

It's my first poly relationship. To briefly summarize where I am right now: I met the first man (I'll call him Brad) maybe 8 months ago. He has been causally dating another man. (I'll call him Seth). Brad is younger than I am. Seth is older than I am. Both are hearing. I'm not. It's also their first poly relationship.

Brad is more attracted to Seth, while Seth is more attracted to me. I am more attracted to Brad. We all three have had sex together. Also 1:1 with each man. In the beginning, Brad wanted to date both of us and Seth wanted to date both of us. Then, a few months ago, they started to develop a more serious relationship, without me realizing what was going on. Now Brad only wants to be FWBs with me, while Seth wants to date me. This is killing me, because Seth right now is spending time with Brad alone, and I'm not invited. Then, when it's my turn to be with Seth, Brad will not be with me.

But I want to be in a throuple with both of them. Brad doesn't want to be in a throuple, he only wants Seth. Seth and I both want to be in a throuple with Brad. So Seth is now forced to date both of us separately.

Last night, I was alone. They are together. That is what is killing me right now. We were once intimate, all three of us, every single weekend.

So I gave an ultimatum to them few days ago and said that I have to set up logistics with them, otherwise I'll break up with both of them. Seth panicked and set up a Google calendar.

First weekend: all three of us at Seth's place (sexual, not romantic)
Second weekend: Brad is at Seth's place (romantic/sexual)
Third weekend: I am at Seth's place or Seth is at my place (romantic/sexual)
Fourth weekend: all of three of us at Seth's place (sexual, not romantic)

It's killing me that I'm alone, knowing that they are together, right now, as I write.

Thank you for listening,
SeattleGuy2024

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings SeattleGuy2024,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you and Seth want a throuple, whereas Brad wants a V. This is a tough situation to be in, you want Brad whereas Brad doesn't want you, or at least, not as much. He wants Seth, and he and Seth are together right now. Whereas you are alone. I hope the three of you can come to a better solution.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[Bobbi]

Welcome to the forum.

Brad is more attracted to Seth, while Seth is more attracted to me, and I am more attracted to Brad.

Brad only wants to be FWBs with me, while Seth wants to date me.

So, the one you are attracted to most, Brad, isn’t most attracted to you, and doesn’t want to date you, yet you still have sex. It’s possible he isn’t polyamorous, given that he was willing to date you until his feelings developed more strongly for Seth. He also just might not have the romantic chemistry needed to have more of a romantic relationship with you. He does seem open to having a sexual relationship with you, though.

The bigger question is, how do you feel about Seth? He actually wants to date you. Although you are more attracted to Brad, are you attracted to Seth? Do you have that romantic connection with him? Or are you just having a relationship with him to get to Brad?

Seth and I both want to be in a throuple with Brad.

It doesn't matter what you want. Brad doesn't want it, so it’s not an option. He has say over his relationships and body, and can choose to date one, both or neither of you.

Brad doesn't want to be in a throuple, he only wants Seth.

He is wanting a relationship with Seth. If Seth wants one with him, then they can have that. Seth wants one with you, and if you want one with him, then you can have that. You DO NOT have to have a relationship with everyone.

Triads rarely work because of the disparity between three people and the fact that there are 4 relationships in a triad that all need to work:

You and Brad
You and Seth
Brad and Seth
All three of you together

Based on what you've said, I’d guess that none of these three relationships would last long if they were monogamous, because you all like someone that really doesn’t feel the same about the other. As a triad, it’s a relationship killer.

It sounds like you all have fun sexually together, but aren’t great matches romantically.

Last night, I was alone. They were together. That is what is killing me right now, because we were once intimate, all three of us, every single weekend.

You need to work through the change in the situation. It’s difficult when things change and personal growth is essential in polyamory. Figure out exactly what is “killing you."

The fact that they are having sex and you aren't?
The fact that Seth is getting one-on-one sex with Brad and you won't be? If Brad doesn't want that, then you cannot force him. It’s not okay to force someone to have sex with you if they don't want to, regardless if it's in a group, or one-on-one.

Even in a triad, each dyad should be able to develop one-on-one relationships with the others in the triad. Triads aren’t “all three of us all the time." You would still need to learn how to deal with your jealousy.

So I had an ultimatum with them few days ago and said that I have to set up logistics with them, otherwise I'll break up with both of them.

What was the point of this ultimatum, to guarantee you get time with Brad?

It really sounds like you are having a relationship with Seth just to get to Brad. If that’s the case, you should end it with both. Drop to FWBs with them and go find yourself a different boyfriend to love, who will love you back. Its not okay to use Seth's feelings for you to manipulate a relationship with Brad, when Brad doesn't really want one with you.

If you aren’t into Seth, he has the right to know that.

This ultimatum reeks of manipulation. You are trying to control when and how you all spend time together as couples and as a group, when you should only be negotiating when you spend time with Seth, and possibly when you are all three together. It’s none of your business when Seth and Brad spend time together and it's none of your business if they have sex or not, beyond safety agreements. That relationship is for them to work out.

 

[SeattleGuy2024]

Welcome to the forum.

[/QUOTE]
Thank you, Bobbi.

So, the one you are attracted to most, Brad, isn’t most attracted to you, doesn’t want to date you, yet you still have sex. It’s possible he isn’t polyamorous, given that he was willing to date you until feelings developed stronger for Seth. He also just might not have the romantic chemistry needed to have more of a romantic relationship with you. He does seem open to having a sexual relationship with you, though.

Brad actually is the most polyamorous out of three of us. Yes, he only has sexual feelings for me, not romantic feelings, although in the beginning it was both (sexual/romantic)

The bigger question is, how do you feel about Seth? He actually wants to date you. Although you are more attracted to Brad, are you attracted to Seth? Do you have that romantic connection with him, or are you just having a relationship with him to get to Brad?

I love Seth, but my love for Seth is different than my love for Brad. My love for Brad is more intense than my love for Seth. It just had a "different flavor." I do have the romantic connection with Seth.

It doesn't matter what you want. Brad doesn't want it, so it’s not an option. He has say over his relationships and body and can choose to date one, both or neither of you.


He is wanting a relationship with Seth. If Seth wants one with him, then they can have that. Seth wants one with you, and if you want one with him, then you can have that. You DO NOT have to have a relationship with everyone.

I agree. It's just hard seeing how Brad feels toward me.

Triads rarely work because of the disparity between three people and the fact that there are 4 relationships to work on in a triad.

you and Brad
you and Seth
Brad and Seth
all three of you together

Based on what you've said, I’d guess that none of these three relationships would last long if monogamous, because you all like someone that really doesn’t feel the same about the other. As a triad, it’s a relationship killer.

It sounds like you all have fun sexually together, but aren’t great matches romantically.

You need to work through the change in the situation. It’s difficult when things change and personal growth is essential in polyamory. Figure out exactly what is “killing you”.

What's killing me is this: Even through I'm going out with my friends tonight dancing, I would just rather be with Brad and Seth, more than anything else. I do have fun with my friends, yes. I love my friends. They just aren't as fulfilling, compared to even one single moment with Brad and Seth.

The fact that they are having sex and you aren't?
The fact that Seth is getting one-on-one Sex with Brad and you wont? If Brad doesn't want that, then you cannot force him. It’s not okay to force someone to have sex with you if they don't want to, regardless if it's group or one-on-one sex.

Even in a triad, each dyad should be able to develop a one-on-one relationship with the others in the triad. Triads aren’t “all three of us all the time”. You would still need to learn how to deal with your jealousy.



What was the point of this ultimatum? To guarantee you get time with Brad?

The point of this ultimatum was this. Brad has the habit of showing up at Seth's place or where Seth goes unannounced. Last Thursday was a good example. It was supposed to be Seth's weekend this weekend (Friday-Sunday) alone. Seth wanted to just be alone. I respect that. So Seth met me alone at a bar last Thursday, then few hours later, Brad showed up unannounced at the bar. Brad does not have a car or a job. Brad forced Seth basically to take Brad to Seth's place and hence, staying the entire weekend together. So even though I still love Brad, I have had enough of the unannounced or schedule changes of when we all hang out. I was forced to issue this so we all can establish a schedule. This would enable that Brad not show up to any events where he's not expected.

it really sounds like you are having a relationship with Seth just to get to Brad. If that’s the case, you should end it with both. Drop to FWBs with them and go find yourself a different boyfriend to love, who will love you back. It's not okay to use Seth's feelings for you to manipulate a relationship with Brad when Brad doesn't really want one with you.

If you aren’t into Seth, he has the right to know that.

I love Seth unconditionally. He just has a different flavor compared to the love I have for Brad.

This ultimatum reeks of manipulation. You are trying to control when and how you all spend time together as couples and as a group When you should only be negotiating when you spend time with Seth and possibly when you are all three together. It’s none of your business when Seth and Brad spend time together and its none of your business if they have sex or not beyond safety agreements. That relationship is for them to work out.

I totally agree with you. The problem is when Brad shows up when I'm with Seth alone. That's the issue. I had to issue an ultimatum to let Seth realize that this is now a serious issue.

 

[SeattleGuy2024]

Greetings SeattleGuy2024,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you and Seth want a throuple, whereas Brad wants a V. This is a tough situation to be in, you want Brad whereas Brad doesn't want you, or at least, not as much. He wants Seth, and he and Seth are together right now. Whereas you are alone. I hope the three of you can come to a better solution.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

Thank you, Kevin. I appreciate the support. Yes, I'd label it as "romantic-V. Although sexually it's a "triad" if we all spend time at Seth's place. It's now more and more toward a complete V, I think, probably within a few months from now, or I will break up with both of them.

 

[kdt26417]

Well, romantically, it sounds like a V in which Seth is the hinge. You and Brad are the legs of the V. I hear you that there is sex between all three of you, so that is a sexual triad. But you don't have that romantic connection with Brad, I'm sorry to say.

 

[SeattleGuy2024]

Well, romantically, it sounds like a V in which Seth is the hinge. You and Brad are the legs of the V. I hear you that there is sex between all three of you, so that is a sexual triad. But you don't have that romantic connection with Brad, I'm sorry to say.

I agree. That's what really hurts a lot. This is a big reason why I'm here on this website trying to find some support or figure out the best solution for myself.

 

[Bobbi]

I love Seth but my love for Seth is different than my love for Brad. My love for Brad is more intense than my love for Seth. It just have a "different flavor"

Of course it’s different. The problem is, your feelings for Brad are not reciprocated. As long as you are continuing to have sex with Brad, you will not be able to resolve those feelings. You will continue to desire more from him, until you process that this relationship cannot happen, and grieve it.

I do have the romantic connection with Seth.

That’s good to hear.

It's just hard seeing how Brad feels toward me

Of course. It hurts to have unrequited love. Know that it’s not about you-- he just doesn’t feel it. The same way you don’t feel it for the local store clerk, or 95% of the people you meet. I went on 50 first dates, and only four got a second date. Of those four, there was only one I connected with romantically. I know a few more connected with me romantically, but I wasn’t interested in them. That’s relationships.

I would just rather to be with Brad and Seth more than anything else. I do have fun with my friends, yes. I love my friends, they just aren't as fulfilling, compared to even spending one single moment with Brad and Seth.

That sounds like new relationship energy (NRE). You may want to spend all your time with them, but it’s not healthy. It’s dopamine and serotonin flooding your brain and you want another hit. Yes, a hit of dopamine is better than being with friends, but it’s not real. It’s like a drug you are choosing, instead of being with those who want to see you without drugs. You need to prioritize your other friends and family and hobbies, as you need to learn to continue living your life as you did before them, and enjoy what you are feeling without falling into unhealthy behaviors.

Brad has the habit of showing up at Seth's place or where Seth goes unannounced.

This is a problem, I agree. Boundaries need to be placed. If you are going to pursue a relationship with Seth, you both need to prioritize your couple time and agree that if Brad shows up, you’ll both leave. Brad will not crash your time together. Make sure to tell Brad this boundary. That way, you can just leave, or tell him to move on if you are having dinner or something where you can’t immediately leave. He should also know he can’t just show up at Seth’s place uninvited. Seth needs to set this boundary and enforce it. Open-door policies are great for monogamy, but very inappropriate for polyamory. You cannot have the autonomy that polyamory prescribes when someone can drop in and interrupt your life any time.

I was forced to issue this so we could all establish a schedule. This would make it so that Brad would not show up at any events where he's not expected.

The schedule might help, but instituting boundaries and enforcing them is more important in the long run. What about during the week? You cannot schedule everything. It sounds like Brad, like you, is in NRE and wants to get more time together. Your boundary could be “I won’t have a relationship with someone who cannot enforce boundaries that allow for our uninterrupted time together.”