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Erika

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Hi, I'm very new to this and have several questions.
one being that i'm in a semi Poly relationship I guess... I don't actually want to go out and be with anyone else but my guy. he however wants/needs more and is seeing someone once a week.. I'm ok with this. my question is: is it wrong to make him wash the sheets/duvte cover even if they have only been on the top of the comforter?
 
Is it your bed? If it is and your boyfriend uses it for sex with his other, then - whatever level of hygiene is comfortable for you is right. If he does not want to fuss about washing the sheets, then he can go fuck her someplace else than your bed.
 
No, it's his bed.... I'm there most of the time. He will see her on Sundays or Mondays and I will be at his place Tuesday's sometime but always a Wednesday and Friday - Sunday.
 
Erika said:
Hi, I'm very new to this and have several questions.
one being that i'm in a semi Poly relationship I guess... I don't actually want to go out and be with anyone else but my guy. he however wants/needs more and is seeing someone once a week.. I'm ok with this. my question is: is it wrong to make him wash the sheets/duvte cover even if they have only been on the top of the comforter?
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Hi, Erika, and welcome!

Ignoring, for a moment, your actual question :D, there are some more important aspects to address:

a) As far as I know - or can imagine - there is no such thing as a "semi Poly relationship". Either a relationship is poly... or it isn't. A poly relationship does NOT oblige the members in it to have other sexual partners. It DOES mean that all members of it respect the others' right to enter into emotional relationships with others. It demands good communication and honesty. It does NOT forbid jealousy.

b) Your guy may define himself as poly. you may define yourself as either poly [you agree with it 100% and might find yourself someone else in the future, but don't fancy doing so now] or mono [are perfectly happy with just one guy, would never date anyone else, but are happy for him to do so].

c) Let others correct me if they will, but - in my opinion - if you "are happy for him to do so", then you as a person might be mono, but you have a poly relationship with him.

d) In fact you are in a poly relationship with your guy's partner as well. The 3 of you form the famous (and very common) poly relationship: the V. Your guy is the "hinge" of the V. You and the other are each other's "metamours". You may - but are not obliged to - get on well with your metamour.

e) Now to your question... but in more general terms: You have a right to ask anything of your guy... and he has a right to refuse your request. If you want this thing to work, understanding, mutual respect, and a bit of give-and-take are essential.

A much more common request than yours would be "I don't want you guys doing it in/on OUR bed" - or even "... in our house". [Some] poly couple with years of experience have this rule, and it works fine for them. Because all the parties involved respect the personal space of each other.

Back to your specific question: If his washing the sheets is really important to you and he ignores your request (or treats it with disdain), he is not respecting your wishes and needs, and you're going to run into trouble.

But you need to talk with him about it to find this out. (Good communication.) If you keep silent, but are really resenting the fact that he doesn't wash them, that's your problem to deal with. (The keeping silent and seething, I mean.)

Question answered? Any more? One for you. Give it as much weight as you wish, and believe me when I assure you that it's not meant judgementally: Are you sure that you're OK with his having another relationship... or are you allowing it so that he won't get upset at you? Poly isn't for everyone and you might discover that you're happier in a mono relationship. (With your guy or someone else.)
Is it your bed? If it is and your boyfriend uses it for sex with his other, then - whatever level of hygiene is comfortable for you is right.
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No difference to me: If you are unhappy about the hygiene of his bed, you still have the right not to sleep (or do anything else) in it. But you're going to have to deal with that honestly. (Even if there were no other person involved: you have the right to deal with questions of hygiene at his place.)
 
he doesn't refuse, I just wasn't sure if it was a reasonable request... I just don't want to sleep or do anything else where someone other than I has been unless cleaned. I assume if they are only having sex on top and not in the sheets it's reasonable to just have him wash the Duvet cover?

To answer your question... I came out of a 10 yr relationship, met the man i'm with now we were happy for a year and a half then he got on dating sites was caught and we broke up however we never quit seeing each other just not a much, he was dating other women I dated a few men but we always come back to each other and were messing around the whole time just never put a name on it and I was OK, now that we have named it yes it does bother me that he want's to F other women: His words... "I'm sorry babe. It's not you. I don't think any one person can give me what I need. You give me the most important part of it though love. I Love you!"

I would like him to be mono, but that wont happen and I don"t ever want to loose him.
 
Hi Erika,

I feel like your request is totally fair and I ask the same thing of my partner.

I actually ask that he changes all of the bedding, including pillow cases (I don't want to smell her hair/perfume), and that he is well showered before we reconnect.

If he feels that changing the bed sheets is too much work to do every week between partners, could he not at least have two top blankets... one he throws on the bed when he's with her, one he throws on the bed when you are over?

I suppose you could bring a blanket/bedspread to his house and explain that it is for you and him only, and then put it on the bed when you arrive, and take it off when you leave.

Good luck.
 
That is an excellent idea, one I was actually thinking of on the way to work today. He hasn't complained about washing anything so far but I feel it's coming especially when I'm there the very next day as I am there 95% of the time, we talk about living together and marriage.... so I feel as though the house and bed are mine and I shouldn't have to throw something over the bed. if he starts to complain I will ask him to throw a sheet or blanket over the bed when with her.
 
Hi Erika,

If it's something you want, and he's willing to do it, then why not ask him to wash the sheets and duvet cover. My only concern would be if things were to escalate over time; that is, that you felt increasingly unsatisfied with the way things are, and wanted more and more. That would be a sign that it wasn't about the sheets; it was about the poly relationship.

Those are my thoughts on the matter.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
My only concern would be if things were to escalate over time; that is, that you felt increasingly unsatisfied with the way things are, and wanted more and more. That would be a sign that it wasn't about the sheets; it was about the poly relationship.
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This is where my last question was coming from (without, believe me, any jumping to conclusions OR value judgements): Do you want him to change the sheets because of a question of higiene, or - as RiverGoddess mentioned - because you don't want her smell to invade your intimacy with him, or because you somehow (subconsciously?) feel that what he's doing with her is "dirty" (and needs to be washed away)?

All 3 are valid feelings for you to have. Some might argue with me that that last objection isn't valid ("Come ON! Sex isn't dirty! What kind of puritan attitude is that?"), but if - as you hint - you aren't really happy about all this: if you feel that he became "poly" against your wishes, to stop being called a cheat, then I can sympathise with your (possibly) feeling that there's something dirty about the set-up. I certainly wouldn't want to find myself in that situation: "Accept my conditions or you've lost me."

I feel that it's very important for you 2 to talk about this honestly before you even THINK about marriage. If there's the slightest chance that he'll always get his way because his attitude is "Like it or lump it, Babes!" and you're scared to lose him, you should not be making that leap.

If that's not the case, if it's either a case of hygiene or the smell she leaves behind, and he doesn't want to wash EVERYTHING twice a week (in case she feels the same way), how about considering:

a) IF he has a guest room (you don't describe his house [? flat? houseboat?]), would he consider having a separate room/bed for each of you. Would YOU be happy with that?

b) If he doesn't have a place for [platonic] friends to sleep over, how about his keeping 2 sets of sheets and blankets - one set for him and you, one for him and her? Then he'd only have to change the bedding twice a week... and wash it when it really needs it. Would that work for you? For him?

More important than all that, have a serious, honest talk with yourself about what you really want out of this (or any) relationship... and then have a talk (serious, honest) with him about it.
 
MrFarFromRight,

RiverGoddess is correct, I don't want her smell in my bed. I don't think what we/they are doing is dirty by any means also he doesn't always get his way. We do talk and he never objected to washing the bedding... that came from me and being new to this, sometimes I'm just not sure what is reasonable or not. I know for a fact he cares more of what I want than her, he probably wouldn't wash the bedding for her, However... we did just talk and throwing a sheet over the bed just seems to work the best for both of us.
I don't feel he became Ploy to not be called a cheat... I believe he has always been this way and never knew it. I'm the one (if you can believe it) that introduced this to him and asked if wanted to give it a try. Now he's all for it and i'm a little Leary... go figure!
 
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