New Triad sex issues

[dingedheart]

Come on, dinged, men talk about their "performance" all the time here. Maybe it's a medical term, but men have adopted it to describe this situation. Certainly, the media drills it into us in ads. Oddly, it doesn't even refer to sexual skills all the time, but just to the erection or lack thereof.

I’m not trying to split hairs on this but what I said is I don’t think men ( who get accused of thinking with their small heads all the time ) spend a lot of time thinking about it “ as a performance “ unless there is issues outside of the ones you outlined. Said another the way, the way sex occurs or happens is the way it is. NOW if there is some sort of competition percolating in the background then maybe those folks see their sexual experiences as a performance.

One of our female members is talking about her sexual performance in her blog right now. I'd never really heard a woman use that word to describe her sexual skills! I'm 64 and I'd never heard it. I wonder if many women call their sexual skills and abilities a "performance"?

As far as the word performance being used to describe how any body part works, I think the more common word is function. I could see a doctor saying, "I'm concerned about your liver's function," not, "your liver's performance." Right?

Performance of a penis is more than function, it's emotionally weighted, and the inability to get or maintain an erection is usually seen to be a personal failing, which is shameful. Even if you're an older guy past say, 40, if your penis isn't "performing" or "functioning" as it did when you were 16, it's seen as a shameful thing, a personal failing for which you deserve to be judged. It's not just seen as a fact of life concurrent with a lesser amount of testosterone, that should just be accepted. I totally agree with your next paragraph.

That is key. If my heart isn't functioning perfectly, there's no shame in it. There might be fear, but there isn't shame, there isn't a feeling of "Shit, I'm a loser." (Our member said she feels like a "loser" because of physical limitations around sex).

I think if this wasn’t born out of the medical community ( and we have member in that community so then should feel free to weigh in her ) it’s a function of Madison ave navigating PC culture to push penis pills to consumers. And unfortunately it’s become part of the normal lexicon. And evidence of this might be the blog you mentioned. It’s creeping into the minds of women too ?

I have no first hand knowledge of the language what phraseology a urologist would use in discussing this specific issue. I do agree that liver function or kidney function is used when going over test results. All I can say it is a multi use organ so function might used in a strict and specific context.


“ The performance of a penis is more than function “ I thought you didn’t like the word performance and I thought function and performance was synonymous??

AND YES a penis not functioning correctly as a sex or NOT performing correctly as a sex organ does have emotional weight / stigma attached.

I don't think that poly people are cautioned to not talk about their sex with one lover, to their other lover, to reduce competition. Maybe that is part of it. I think primarily it's to maintain privacy. But yes, it does reduce the competition, if you tend to feel competitive. I don't think anyone is saying we should lie. I think we encourage discretion. Don't "kiss and tell." It's a violation of privacy, and even of decency, to broadcast how someone is in bed.

There’s been several threads in which a mono spouse has suspected their wife or husband/ partner ( the 2-3 that are clearly in my head all wives ) prefer/ enjoy their new lover better and they ask specifically. The dilemma for the poster is I don’t want to lie but I it will make the poly situation that much harder. Voluptouschef, willowstar, ...cant think of the username of the other one.

Personally, one of the things I like about poly is the variety. Even the variety of sexual styles. Variety of everything. Bodies, genitals, hair and eye color, varying heights and ages, and all the personality styles too: humor, intelligence, hobbies and interests, past histories, etc., etc. So, comparison is not key for me. I embrace the differences. That's the whole point. I can get excited thinking about past lovers who were very tall, freckled and redhaired; muscular with ebony black skin; short stature, olive skinned Mediterranean with amazing black hair; female, 6 feet tall and curvy; etc., etc.

That's not to say I have not been with people who are bad in bed. Some people just are. It might be a physical problem. It might be lack of imagination. It might be shyness. Lack of experience. Inhibitions. I think if you want to feel you've got good sexual skills, you can improve them, by reading and practicing, by having different lovers who teach you fun things, even by working out in the gym, and doing Kegels, etc. It takes a degree of fitness to be able to fuck as well as possible, and to have good sex last for more than a few minutes. That's just undeniable.

How does this first paragraph fit with the scenario of the thread ?

And paragraph 2 /bold print might be the point in the thread. Some people just are !!!!

One thing that is a mixed blessing is mainstream porn. There, men learn how not to have sex. First of all, they think they need 8 inch or bigger cocks. They think they don't have to do more than a few seconds of kissing. They do not learn how to do breast play, other than tit fucking. They are not exposed to how to properly go down on a woman very much. They aren't shown how to finger bang either.

In porn, I see men neglecting women's nipples and clits. I see the women having to touch their own nipples and clits most of the time. Ugh. I see women going down on each other with skill, but I don't see men with oral skills very often.

Most porn is all about what feels good to men. So it's all about blow jobs that go on for ages, and about fucking hard and fast, and for ages. Therefore, it's all about having a large hard cock in porn. I think that is one place "performance" is overly emphasized.

Where is positive / mixed side. To me that sounds all ver very negative and sad.?

 

[fuchka]

Mags, I agree with a lot of the comments you've been making on various threads recently re "sexual performance", e.g.

• There is social pressure to be able to get or maintain an erection, and there is unwarranted stigma around this
• To view sex as merely "putting on a show" for another person, rather than participating in a mutual act, is limiting
• It's unhelpful to fixate on specific markers of supposed "sexual success" (like penetrative sex, or orgasms)

That said, I do feel like you're unfairly reading any use of the word "performance" as "putting on a show". Whereas, for some people, "performance" could just mean working well or having the skills or ability. Like an athlete's performance, or a car's performance. I think - for some people - it's a short hand for "having the skills or attitude that make you a good sexual partner". Not that you're an entertainer, but that you bring something (i.e. your ability to have good sex) to the table. I wouldn't use the word performance myself (because of the connotations you identify) but I think it can be - and is - used as a synonym for mere skilfulness.

I wonder if you mean to say that we shouldn't use the term "performance" to talk about sex, because it is an ambiguous term and could reinforce wrong ideas about sex. That's a fair argument. But what you seem to be arguing - on this thread and others - is that people with healthy attitudes about sex wouldn't use the phrase "sexual performance". That view is wrong, I think.