New, want it to work, but struggling at times

That is super groovy, Rob. One step back and two steps forward. Just figure out which way it's headed before you start getting other people involved, if that's where it ends up heading.
 
That's good to hear, RC. One day at a time works best, I think, even though it can be frustrating to not know where things are going.
 
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jrrmjr820 said:
That's good to hear, RC. One day at a time works best, I think, even though it can be frustrating to not know where things are going.
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Maybe. Or maybe learning to live each day as it comes, without a plan, is freeing. :)

I'm finding that when I thought I knew where things were going I was mistaken. We never know where they're going. If you understand and accept that, you can take twists and turns and variations a lot easier, because they are just movement forward in various directions, not a diverting from the "plan." I say this as someone who likes the fake security of plans, but is having to learn to deal with reality instead.
 
I try to live one day at a time. I know that you can never really know where things are going, but it can be frustrating. I guess with me I just like to know things are going somewhere as opposed to nowhere. That is probably my inexperience in polyamory speaking, though.
 
Clearly I have a longer view when it comes to things like my kids, finances, retirement planning, etc. But when it comes to my relationship and my emotional state, I think I had the false impression that I had a plan and it would magically all come together. Now I have learned that I can't count on that. So I have a general set of goals I am aiming for, but no mandatory path to arrive at these goals. However I get there is fine, as long as I stay on target. It is a bit liberating to be less constrained by the rigidity of a set path. But I am not foolish enough to live without any idea of where I would like to go!
 
RobertCourage said:
So I have a general set of goals I am aiming for, but no mandatory path to arrive at these goals. However I get there is fine, as long as I stay on target. It is a bit liberating to be less constrained by the rigidity of a set path. But I am not foolish enough to live without any idea of where I would like to go.
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I think this is very common in marriages and why so many fail. One of the things I came up with when our marriage counselor asked us for goals to work toward, was I wanted a true "partnership." I think that redefining things thus helped us step away from "But a marriage is supposed to work like..." mindset. It's so easy to think we are just "supposed" to willingly sacrifice ourselves for marriage (or expect the other person to do this). When I changed my terminology, it was easier to make the adjustments needed as they arose. Speaking up when things are out of whack is just as hard as having to hear it, and yet both need to happen.
 
Hi, RC. I just read through all the posts on this thread (whew!) and your journey is quite a ride! My husband read some, and he says poly is like riding the waves, and you are a real surfer. :)

Hope things are good with you today.
 
RC, glad you're figuring out a workable position.

Given the many ups and downs, you might also consider what steps you would need to take if everything goes sour again. In simple terms, have the groundwork laid in place for both a successful path and an alternative path. Perhaps knowing that you have either option will give you some security in case of roadblocks.

Also, I agree with you that having a non-participating female friend/advisor would help you and is reasonable. I also agree with RedPepper in being concerned that such a friend could evolve into something that complicates the situation. Having that friend is okay, but keep it to just friends.

Best of luck.
 
Thanks to all for the updates. This weekend was great. We enjoyed each other so much and truly connected again. For the moment, she has everything in perspective and she is working on her happiness. We did not spend the weekend obsessing about Trent. I think she realizes that when I am home it's about her and me. And we really appreciated the time together.

She will be seeing Trent this week, but she is no longer obsessing about him. No more texting all day long. No more avoiding me. She is keeping him in perspective too. He wants is to have fun, and at this point, that's what she wants, too.

I hope we can keep this going. If she keeps everything in the right perspective, things are good.

Regarding my female friend, I am not pushing that right now. If things get crazy again, I think I will. For the moment, I think that would just add complexity to a situation that seems to be stabilizing at the moment.

Thanks again to all.
 
That's awesome, RC! Glad to hear that things are going well. I hope that they continue down that path for you guys.
 
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This thread has been so helpful to me, I wonder how it all turned out. Robert Courage you still around? The wife happy?

To everyone to has posted on this thread and others, thank you! I read endlessly on this forum and it has helped me so much. So many smart, thoughtful and experienced people.
 
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