Newb from Upstate New York

[jaymeexvee]

Hello all! I am a 25 year old bisexual transgender male (FtM) from Upstate New York who is currently in a monogamous relationship with a cisgirl. We have been together for about 7 years with an 8 month break inbetween. During that break I was in two different very short term relationships with cismen and had established a few "friends with benefits". I've stayed close with a cismale couple that I had hooked up with during that time and feel quite the connection with them.

I am currently finding myself struggling with my current relationship situation. I am absolutely head over heels for my girlfriend and would consider her my primary partner, however it seems I am always "looking for more" and find myself very attracted (more than just a physical sense) to others. We have talked in the past about the possibility of me being poly, but I have always pushed it off because I tend to be a people pleaser - always doing what I think others want me to do and for her sake I have been "monogamous".

It's eating away at me now though and I'm not sure how to broach the subject to her. My therapist and I have also talked about the possibility of me being poly but I pushed that idea out as well because I wanted to be as committed to my girlfriend as possible.

I guess I come here seeking a place to discuss this topic with others who may be like minded or in similar situations in hopes of finding some closure on the subject.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings jaymeexvee,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You'll find quite a few like-minded folks here, and can discuss whatever's on your mind. As far as your girlfriend goes, I think I would suggest something simple, e.g., "I think I might be poly after all." And follow the course of the conversation from there.

Such and so are my thoughts anyway.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[Al99]

Hi jaymeexvee - welcome to the Forum! We've got a lot of experienced poly folks here that are generally friendly and helpful - with lots of sound advice. If you have specific questions post them to the Poly Relations Corner or General Poly Discussion - whichever seems most appropriate. Both of these boards are quite active. Best of luck on your poly journey! Al

 

[jaymeexvee]

Greetings jaymeexvee,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You'll find quite a few like-minded folks here, and can discuss whatever's on your mind. As far as your girlfriend goes, I think I would suggest something simple, e.g., "I think I might be poly after all." And follow the course of the conversation from there.

Such and so are my thoughts anyway.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

I ended up having a conversation with my girlfriend yesterday, which first turned out to be more of her yelling at me over messenger while I was at work, but once I was able to leave work and come home we managed to have a civil conversation about it and I'm feeling a ton better like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and I am excited to see what the future may bring for us!

 

[kdt26417]

Glad to hear that you were able to have a civil conversation with her about it. And that you got that weight off your chest. It sounds like there's much hope for the future.

 

[Ravenscroft]

You have fundamentally changed the relationship. You seem to have given her the notion of exclusivity; that's all on you. The two of you may succeed in restarting the relationship (some do), but understand that this means a NEW relationship with two people who have become different individuals up 'til now & tossing in "the poly bomb" adds even more change; "past performance is no guarantee of future success."

The fact that you know of your "pleasing" tendencies means that it's totally up to YOU to take that into account, AND to inform your "partners" of that flakiness, AND seek to change it if you'd rather not have the problems it causes. Did you inform your "partner" of this BEFORE beginning a supposedly "serious" relationship? If not, then you're kinda fundamentally shady, which blocks you from actually being poly.

 

[jaymeexvee]

You have fundamentally changed the relationship. You seem to have given her the notion of exclusivity; that's all on you. The two of you may succeed in restarting the relationship (some do), but understand that this means a NEW relationship with two people who have become different individuals up 'til now & tossing in "the poly bomb" adds even more change; "past performance is no guarantee of future success."

The fact that you know of your "pleasing" tendencies means that it's totally up to YOU to take that into account, AND to inform your "partners" of that flakiness, AND seek to change it if you'd rather not have the problems it causes. Did you inform your "partner" of this BEFORE beginning a supposedly "serious" relationship? If not, then you're kinda fundamentally shady, which blocks you from actually being poly.

So thank you for this warm welcome. I made sure to share this with my current partner of 7 years who I have known since middle school and have been best friends with since high school. She practically knows me better than I know myself as we have spent so much time together over the years. So when you ask if she knew of my "pleasing" attitude, she definitely knew this and knows about the rest of the crap that I have gone through during my life.

Being poly is not something new that we have discussed. It's been an idea tossed around in our relationship for some time now, but I have already had to admit to being not normal in so many other ways that being poly on top of it all just didn't seem right to me. So I fought against it, just as I fought against being transgender and just as I fought against being bisexual. I just want an easy life, but I have learned that in order to love myself I must accept myself and accepting myself means accepting that I do not fit society's standards of "normalcy". Fighting against who I truly am is just making life harder for me in the long run, so it's time to stop fighting and time to start accepting and loving.

I am very lucky to have such a loving and understanding partner who puts up with my constant changing of identity. This is not something I can control easily as I also am dealing with a personality and mood disorder.

Hopefully you can see things more clearly now instead of judging me based on one post explaining the situation.