Newbie and need advice :)

C

carenotreally

New member
(I posted this in another forum as well so I'm very sorry if that's breaking rules, I wasn't sure which it was most applicable to)

Hello everyone!! I'm new to the site and somewhat new to being in a poly relationship (So please disregard, forgive and correct me if anything I say is not acceptable) .
My SO is truthfully the love of my life. Our relationship started with my knowing he was a cuck he was very open with that from the start. And while I've never been in such a relationship before I was ok with it. I somewhat feared he'd want me to be ok with him having other women and it took a little over a year but he finally said to me he wishes I'd be ok with it.

I knew it was coming so I tried to be ready but somehow I just wasn't. But I really want o be ok with this. Which is why I'm calling upon all of you to help me with this. The more we talk the more open to the idea I am. I tend to get really hung up on the fear that he'd fall in love with someone else. Or that he'd give up time with me to be with someone else. An additional piece that I think makes it more difficult for me is that he wants to tell me about it and in fact finds that to be most of the allure, is the thought that I could get aroused from it. Whereas I feel like I'd rather not know a single detail...

I'd appreciate any advice, or your experiences. Thanks!!!
 
He might fall in love with someone else. That's kind of what polyamory means: Having loving relationships with more than one person. That's the point.

But love isn't a finite resource. People love more than one parent. More than one child. More than one other type of relative. More than one friend (friendship, in my opinion, is a milder form of love). So why can't people love more than one romantic partner? You aren't taking love away from one to give to another. You're just giving love to more than one person.

As far as time, though... Of course he's going to take time away from you to give to someone else, because time *is* a finite resource. Time he's with another partner is time he isn't with you. On the other hand, time he's at work is time he isn't with you, unless you work together. Time he's sitting on the toilet taking a dump is time he isn't with you. Time he's hanging out with his buddies, assuming he has any, is time he isn't with you. Taking time to spend with another romantic partner doesn't mean he doesn't want to spend time with you, it just means he has someone/something else he *also* wants to spend time on.

If you mean, though, that you're worried he would cancel plans with you in favor of another partner, just tell him flat out that you find that disrespectful and unacceptable. If you and he have plans, you should be able to count on those plans happening.

Likewise, if you don't want to know details about what he does with another woman, tell him you understand that it turns him on to tell you, but it turns you *off* to hear about it and you would rather not know specifics about what he's doing. You have the right to make that request.
 
KC43 said:
Likewise, if you don't want to know details about what he does with another woman, tell him you understand that it turns him on to tell you, but it turns you *off* to hear about it and you would rather not know specifics about what he's doing. You have the right to make that request.
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Yes! My husband loves the idea of us sharing what we have done with other partners, it's a huge turn on for him. If I'm dating someone who's ok with it, I have no problem telling Andy a few fun stories. But I get squicked out by hearing anything he did (or wants to do) with another woman. I don't really know why. He occasionally has fantasies about guys and I find that mind blowingly hot. I think I'm just so straight that even imagining a woman I know naked kills the sexy for me :rolleyes:

For us, it works for me to occasionally listen to him talk about other women and do sexy things for him, with the understanding that I'll be keeping my clothes on. But you shouldn't feel you even have to do that. Figure out you own comfort level (i.e., I'd like to know if you're going on a date and what time you'll be home, but that's it, or I'm ok with hearing about relationship issues but nothing sexual) and communicate that to him.

As for the "he might fall in love"... He might. He might not. Life and love are unpredictable. What helps me the most is to think of all the different people I love - friends, relatives - and how none of those loves diminishes my love for my husband at all. Each relationship is unique because each person is unique, and none could ever replace or substitute for any of the others.
 
I guess the part that differs for us is it would be more singular sexual encounters. As it stands we have a no friends or repeat encounter rules. It's not about a relationship with someone else, just getting off so to speak. I just really want to be ok with sharing him I know how much pleasuse that'd bring him. I just can't seem to get over the jealousy piece- and I'm hoping someone can help me see a different reasoning.
 
Polyamory is more about multiple relationships, rather than multiple one-time-only sexual encounters. I expect that folks here might not have as much insight to offer you, since you aren't considering practicing polyamory.

For example, I handled jealousy by cultivating affection for my partners' other partners, which helped build appreciation for their relationship and the happiness they brought my partner. That won't work for you, with what you're doing.
 
It sounds like you guys have quite a few incompatibilities here. It's not just a matter of you overcoming jealousy to be at ease with him having sex with someone other than you; it sounds like for it to even be what he wants in the first place, he wants you to WANT it. For you to get off on the thought of him with another woman, and to want to know all the details. That doesn't seem to be something that interests you full stop, and so you need to be very very clear about that now. You are not into the whole hot-wife/hot-husband fetish. You seem like you like your monogamy. And that is perfectly fine! Don't be railroaded into satisfying his kink if it's not your thing. If it's something he NEEDS as opposed to something he WANTS, then the pair of you have to have a difficult conversation. Perhaps it's better to part ways and find others who are more compatible now rather than to keep each other in a position of unfulfillment.

Honestly, the only way I have found to overcome the jealousy and insecurity that arises in transitioning from a monogamous relationship to a non-monogamous one is to have my own clear motivations for wanting it. If I were just trying to adapt for my partner's sake, it would be unpleasant and perhaps even psychologically damaging. I actually want to be more independent, to have more time to myself, to have the opportunity to meet people, have sex with people, maybe fall in love - all while nurturing my partner(s) and helping them to have the same. I have a vested interest in conquering my insecurities because they are holding me back from the kind of life I want, and crucially, the kind of life I could see myself wanting irrespective of whether my life-partner and I last the course.

I think in your shoes I would be thinking about what my ideal relationship looks like. I believe that many people can find alternative sexual kinks appealing given an open mind, the right partner(s) and a bit of honest experimentation. However, there are also things I just know I will never find sexy, under any circumstance. If my partner were into any of those things, then I absolutely would be telling them that they'd need to go elsewhere for that. So be honest with yourself. If thinking about sharing your partner sexually and doesn't get a thrill of desire tingling down your spine, then no amount of jealousy management or effort on your part is going to fix that.
 
Yeah, as Becca said, poly*amory* means multiple loving relationships. There isn't anything inherently wrong with what you're doing, but it isn't polyamory.

I would think the "no repeat encounters" rule would make things difficult, though. If you and he are both okay with having a string of one-night stand with people you barely know, that's fine, but some people need to have more of a connection, and even people who are cool with having casual sex might not be so cool if they know they're just going to get one fuck and then never hear from you again.
 
That sounds more like swinging, or open, which is fine. Just, as others say, not poly.

The other thing you both may want to consider is the privacy of the other person involved. Does he tell that person, up front, that they are essentially porn/fantasy fodder, and details will be shared? That would be a deal-breaker for me (though, I don't generally have casual, one-night hook us, so I am not your target demographic, I suppose).
 
I'm on deep shit too

I started seeing a secondary in Dec. Since my wife lives in a different state I spend a LOT of time with my gf. Fast forward to now... We've fallen in love and my wife is FURIOUS and hurt. She's been dating since last May and says she NEVER gets that close to her dates (none but the recent 2 have seen her more than a few times)

Isn't that the point of polyamory? Otherwise, wouldn't it just be casual or sport fucking?
 
Becca said:
For example, I handled jealousy by cultivating affection for my partners' other partners, which helped build appreciation for their relationship and the happiness they brought my partner. That won't work for you, with what you're doing.
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This is very much how it works for me. I find that I have a hard time being ok with my husband's time with others unless it's someone that I can sincerely like. It may not always be ideal or work out that way, but when I care for someone, it's so much easier to share those who are closest to me with them.
 
Neither polyamory nor sport fucking is wrong per se. However, if one partner wants both partners to do one, and the other wants both partners to do the other, then you have a problem.
 
kdt26417 said:
Neither polyamory nor sport fucking is wrong per se. However, if one partner wants both partners to do one, and the other wants both partners to do the other, then you have a problem.
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My point exactly. Truth in labeling is important.
 
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