Newbie Looking for Support, Community

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LadyEm

New member
Hello! I posted a little something in the "Personal Summaries," but thought I'd pop in too.

I'm a 30-something wife, mother, and mom-to-be living in San Francisco. My husband and I opened our marriage up a year ago, started swinging, then gave that up since the late night play parties were not doing me any favors (I'm a bit of a morning person and like my bedtime!). The past six months or so he transitioned from casual dating to looking for a relationship with another woman. I was supportive, but really scared what that would look like. Now I know; he's been dating a sweet, wonderful girl for 4 months now, and we've been trying to make it work.

I'm having a lot of issues with jealousy, abandonment, and insecurity with this relationship between him and her, and am hoping to find a like-minded community where I can express myself, strengthen our relationship, and finally feel comfortable with poly. I completely agree with the philosophy, but find it hard personally to practice. Love begets love, until you're the one sleeping alone ;) I don't have anyone to talk to about it (my vanilla friends aware of the situation all say I need to "tell him to stop so I can be happy" and although they mean well, this is complete BS and they just don't get it) and I know that the folks here will understand, have been through it, and be able to offer better advice than to just give up poly!

My intention is to come to terms with my demons, get to a happy place with myself and therefore with others, and hopefully in the near future be able to provide support, advice, and wisdom to the other newbies who come after me.
 
Greetings LadyEm,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You have to do some digging to describe the exact causes of your jealousy, insecurity, and abandonment issues. Obviously there's another woman and you're fearing that perhaps he'll leave you for her, but why do you think he'll do that? Is it a certain behavior of his when he's with you, or something about her, or ...? Maybe it's a number of things.

Try out the following links and see if any of them help you to peel the layers away:

Let us discuss the greeneye monster shall we?
How to slay the greeneyed beastie.

How To Contain The Green Monster
Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, Etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

With it only being four months so far, you may simply need some time to emotionally adjust. Does that make sense?

I hope we can be of ongoing help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Hi and welcome aboard!

I read this post and your blog post, and decided to answer here and not hijack your blog :)

First, I really understand the feeling of not wanting the late night parties! I'm the same: appreciate my night's sleep, even though there is no toddler in the picture here. That is a very valid reason to stop swinging, IMO.

Second, your attitude towards poly and the problems you've faced is amazing, you will make through it.

Third, you are pregnant!! The hormones and all kicking in, husband in NRE with someone else... whoaah. That would be hard for anyone to deal with! My advice is that at this time your husband should take better care for you, even though he is head over heels with the new girl. The baby you are carrying should be his highest priority. He should really give you more time now, and of course when the baby arrives.

How about sitting down with him and discussing his scheduling and your needs at this point of time? Try to find an agreement over how much time is ok to be spent with the new girlfriend - and then stick to the schedule.

You are doing fine and seem to be very supportive of your husband's poly-ness, he should also be supportive of you during your pregnancy.
 
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