Hello! I have lurked around the forum a few times but just recently started to visit frequently.
I am a recently divorced woman and I am 45. I was in a terrible, awful, emotionally abusive mono marriage for 16 years and it was a classic narcissist/co-dependent dynamic. I was the co-dependent.
We split up about a year and a half ago. During the later part of my marriage, there was zero physical attraction on my part. I was so clueless about the co-dependent dynamic that I constantly researched what was wrong with ME. I soon learned about asexuality and immediately identified as that and came out to my husband as asexual. Once I did that, it was pretty much the beginning of end of the marriage technically but it had been really over for years.
About a year ago I put an ad on a dating site and was very clear about my being asexual. I met “Sean” and we started up an online exchange. He was also recently separated after a long and emotionally abusive marriage and was extremely easy to talk to. Bonus was that he wasn’t really looking for a physical thing right away since his marriage left him cautious about that. We agreed to meet up for a “platonic” date. Sean and I immediately hit it off, had an extremely close connection and had a definite sexual attraction for each other. I still now identify as being on the spectrum of asexuality but I identify as “demi-sexual” meaning I have to form a strong emotional bond with someone before I am sexually attracted to them.
Sean and I both said from the first date that we weren’t wanting monogamy, not now and possibly not ever. We continued to date and slowly bring each other out of the dark tunnel of celibacy and learning to live life again and enjoying ourselves completely.
I had dated a few others during this first few months, most who wanted monogamy and things ended when I told them that wasn’t going to be happening for me. Mostly because I honestly didn’t want that, also because I didn’t want to give up what I had with Sean.
It was really something special and I hadn’t experienced a connection like that before. For a few months after that, Sean and I saw each other exclusively but we never maintained we were monogamous.
About 8 months after we met, Sean started dating another woman who I will call Maggie. Maggie had contacted Sean via dating site and they met in person and hit it off well. Maggie is also Poly. Of course I was happy for Sean but struggled with jealousy and loneliness. I did my best to communicate all of this as often as it came up and we continued to talk and talk and work through the insecurities. Things with Sean got immediately deeper and closer as soon as we decided to really “do this thing together”, polyamory.
Soon after Sean met Maggie, I started seeing Jimmy who was married and poly. I had talked to Jimmy occasionally on a dating site for awhile but we had never met in person. Jimmy was a sort of lifetime poly person who had a lot of partners and did a lot in the kink community. I liked Jimmy but struggled to feel special in his world. I would have fun on our dates but always thought about Sean and would watch the clock until our dates were over. I don’t thing Sean ever really liked Jimmy and struggled with me dating him. Finally, I realized that the constraints of Jimmy’s primary relationship weren’t conducive to my need for emotional bonding. Also, he just didn’t have time since he was dating so many people that I couldn’t ever really connect with him. I ended things with Jimmy after a couple of months.
Next there was Jay who I had motorcycles in common with but not a lot else. I would find myself thinking about Sean and wishing I were with him. I would have fun with Jay at first but then started to feel like I wanted to get away as fast as I could. Then when I was about to have a date with Jay, I would start to feel panicky like I didn’t want to go. I ended things with Jay after a couple of months too.
This brings us about to current time. Right now I am only dating Sean, and it has only been a couple of weeks since I broke things off with Jay. I haven’t gone back to the dating sites.
I am struggling with knowing what to do. I know that I have issues with co-dependency that I am working on.
I know that I also haven’t connected with anyone the way I have with Sean. I don’t know if the poly life just isn’t for me or if I haven’t given it enough of a chance yet.
Or if I am too co-dependent on Sean to allow myself to enjoy dating other people.
I don’t know if I should take a break from dating for awhile or get right back on the dating sites. I worry that I am not capable of loving more than one person.
I want to, I want to benefit from learning from multiple people and all of what that entails.
I know that mono life is engrained in me and it may take awhile to shake away all that residual stuff.
Also, just being in a bad marriage for that long takes a while to break free of the damage it has done.
I just feel like I can’t do any of it right sometimes.
I feel like I don’t fit in ANY world exactly.
I have a lot of things I do on my own, I live alone with my two great dogs, and I have a few REALLY great friends.
I really do like spending time alone too. I have my own motorcycle life where I am riding a lot and have projects.
As far as poly goes.. I want to date others because I WANT to date others and not because I feel like I should. I want to live my life ON purpose and not as a reaction to anything else.
Any advice or insights are welcomed. Thank you so much!
MG
I am a recently divorced woman and I am 45. I was in a terrible, awful, emotionally abusive mono marriage for 16 years and it was a classic narcissist/co-dependent dynamic. I was the co-dependent.
We split up about a year and a half ago. During the later part of my marriage, there was zero physical attraction on my part. I was so clueless about the co-dependent dynamic that I constantly researched what was wrong with ME. I soon learned about asexuality and immediately identified as that and came out to my husband as asexual. Once I did that, it was pretty much the beginning of end of the marriage technically but it had been really over for years.
About a year ago I put an ad on a dating site and was very clear about my being asexual. I met “Sean” and we started up an online exchange. He was also recently separated after a long and emotionally abusive marriage and was extremely easy to talk to. Bonus was that he wasn’t really looking for a physical thing right away since his marriage left him cautious about that. We agreed to meet up for a “platonic” date. Sean and I immediately hit it off, had an extremely close connection and had a definite sexual attraction for each other. I still now identify as being on the spectrum of asexuality but I identify as “demi-sexual” meaning I have to form a strong emotional bond with someone before I am sexually attracted to them.
Sean and I both said from the first date that we weren’t wanting monogamy, not now and possibly not ever. We continued to date and slowly bring each other out of the dark tunnel of celibacy and learning to live life again and enjoying ourselves completely.
I had dated a few others during this first few months, most who wanted monogamy and things ended when I told them that wasn’t going to be happening for me. Mostly because I honestly didn’t want that, also because I didn’t want to give up what I had with Sean.
It was really something special and I hadn’t experienced a connection like that before. For a few months after that, Sean and I saw each other exclusively but we never maintained we were monogamous.
About 8 months after we met, Sean started dating another woman who I will call Maggie. Maggie had contacted Sean via dating site and they met in person and hit it off well. Maggie is also Poly. Of course I was happy for Sean but struggled with jealousy and loneliness. I did my best to communicate all of this as often as it came up and we continued to talk and talk and work through the insecurities. Things with Sean got immediately deeper and closer as soon as we decided to really “do this thing together”, polyamory.
Soon after Sean met Maggie, I started seeing Jimmy who was married and poly. I had talked to Jimmy occasionally on a dating site for awhile but we had never met in person. Jimmy was a sort of lifetime poly person who had a lot of partners and did a lot in the kink community. I liked Jimmy but struggled to feel special in his world. I would have fun on our dates but always thought about Sean and would watch the clock until our dates were over. I don’t thing Sean ever really liked Jimmy and struggled with me dating him. Finally, I realized that the constraints of Jimmy’s primary relationship weren’t conducive to my need for emotional bonding. Also, he just didn’t have time since he was dating so many people that I couldn’t ever really connect with him. I ended things with Jimmy after a couple of months.
Next there was Jay who I had motorcycles in common with but not a lot else. I would find myself thinking about Sean and wishing I were with him. I would have fun with Jay at first but then started to feel like I wanted to get away as fast as I could. Then when I was about to have a date with Jay, I would start to feel panicky like I didn’t want to go. I ended things with Jay after a couple of months too.
This brings us about to current time. Right now I am only dating Sean, and it has only been a couple of weeks since I broke things off with Jay. I haven’t gone back to the dating sites.
I am struggling with knowing what to do. I know that I have issues with co-dependency that I am working on.
I know that I also haven’t connected with anyone the way I have with Sean. I don’t know if the poly life just isn’t for me or if I haven’t given it enough of a chance yet.
Or if I am too co-dependent on Sean to allow myself to enjoy dating other people.
I don’t know if I should take a break from dating for awhile or get right back on the dating sites. I worry that I am not capable of loving more than one person.
I want to, I want to benefit from learning from multiple people and all of what that entails.
I know that mono life is engrained in me and it may take awhile to shake away all that residual stuff.
Also, just being in a bad marriage for that long takes a while to break free of the damage it has done.
I just feel like I can’t do any of it right sometimes.
I feel like I don’t fit in ANY world exactly.
I have a lot of things I do on my own, I live alone with my two great dogs, and I have a few REALLY great friends.
I really do like spending time alone too. I have my own motorcycle life where I am riding a lot and have projects.
As far as poly goes.. I want to date others because I WANT to date others and not because I feel like I should. I want to live my life ON purpose and not as a reaction to anything else.
Any advice or insights are welcomed. Thank you so much!
MG
