It is with great sadness that I have come to the conclusion that I can't deal with my husband who is poly and I am monogamous. From the start things went wrong with us.. he texted old girlfriends, visited them on weekends, and i was sad at home. Next he developed a sexual relationship with a trans woman, who really just wanted him to herself, and a picket fence. When my husband found out about the herpes, the sex stopped but they are friends. Next came a women who was decidedly not poly, but wanted to get away from her boyfriend to whom she was engaged... she didn't want any contact with me, and preferred to cheat on her boyfriend, who thought everything was ok with them, but wasn't.. my husband went along with her desire to keep me out of the picture or have any communication with me, and that hurt a lot, to say the least. The newest woman my husband met on fet life, while I was away for a week.. they went on a motorcycle trip together and hooked up.. I found out about it much later when I got home and was told that she was his new interest and might I want to chat with her and be friends... well we did, and she really triggered my fears when I looked at her fet life profile which was full of bruses as she liked to get beat up. Honestly, I have tried to accomdate, I have read numerous books, took an online class and met with a poly group for support.. but it is just not working and I am very sad to lose the man I loved dearly over this. I just don't see how we can reconcile our differences.. I am not poly.and really don't want to live like this.
No longer able to live with poly husband
- Thread starter leslie
- Start date
I am so sorry. 
You do not have to live like this. It is possible to love him from a safer distance away from all this. Thing is, you have to love YOU too... And what's best for you sounds like a break up so you can have peace in your life.
Keeping yourself in a situation you know you do not enjoy is not being loving and kind to yourself.
I hope you are able to leave and find healing and peace.
Hang in there!
Galagirl
You do not have to live like this. It is possible to love him from a safer distance away from all this. Thing is, you have to love YOU too... And what's best for you sounds like a break up so you can have peace in your life.
Keeping yourself in a situation you know you do not enjoy is not being loving and kind to yourself.
I hope you are able to leave and find healing and peace.
Hang in there!
Galagirl
ThatYankBird
Member
It's hard to say, having heard only one side of the story, but on the surface it seems that, at the very least, he's not being sensitive to your feelings, and quite possibly not respecting your boundaries. (You haven't said whether you've discussed them with him).
From the tone of your message, it almost sounds like he's just told you that he's going to do these things, and you've just got to deal with them. I hope that's not the case.
I agree with GalaGirl that some time away from the relationship would be a good idea. Give yourself, and him, the opportunity to reassess.
I wish you all the best. Xx
From the tone of your message, it almost sounds like he's just told you that he's going to do these things, and you've just got to deal with them. I hope that's not the case.
I agree with GalaGirl that some time away from the relationship would be a good idea. Give yourself, and him, the opportunity to reassess.
I wish you all the best. Xx
Your responses are very kind, thank you
I was really surprised to hear from anyone and felt so supported and understood by your responses. It brought me to tears just having someone say sorry.
It is so sad to me, that we can't seem to find a way to talk to each other about this without triggers and sadness. We have tried counseling with a poly friendly counselor, who told us she couldn't work with us because of differences that were unbridgeable.
There is a lot of love here, and I liked the suggestion to love from a distance.
That seems to be a compassionate avenue, our hearts will be broken, though.
Thinking that if I only try harder to accommodate his desire for other lovers, will make this work.. but I can't get past the desperation I feel and the isolation, as all my friends are in monogamous relationships, even the LGBGT ones.
I have embarked on a Buddhist path, and meditate everyday to calm my emotions and my mind that creates anxiety and tension...and he feels that it has created some distance from him... I think I need real distance, at least for a while.
I was really surprised to hear from anyone and felt so supported and understood by your responses. It brought me to tears just having someone say sorry.
It is so sad to me, that we can't seem to find a way to talk to each other about this without triggers and sadness. We have tried counseling with a poly friendly counselor, who told us she couldn't work with us because of differences that were unbridgeable.
There is a lot of love here, and I liked the suggestion to love from a distance.
That seems to be a compassionate avenue, our hearts will be broken, though.
Thinking that if I only try harder to accommodate his desire for other lovers, will make this work.. but I can't get past the desperation I feel and the isolation, as all my friends are in monogamous relationships, even the LGBGT ones.
I have embarked on a Buddhist path, and meditate everyday to calm my emotions and my mind that creates anxiety and tension...and he feels that it has created some distance from him... I think I need real distance, at least for a while.
You could try a second counselor, but after a point you have to accept professional's opinion and stop beating head on wall.
IME, it's the chronic breaking that hurts. Moving on to accepting that heart IS broken and stepping back is the first step to healing it. Staying just keeps poking holes in heart. Heart gets a chance to heal when you take a step back away from the poking.
One way to accommodate is to take that step back and break up. Clear the path. Then you are free from the stressors.
Yes. If that's the thing you have not tried yet, could try it now. Give removing all this stimulus a shot.
Again, I am very sorry.
I can imagine you will feel all kinds of things as you mourn the loss. Break ups are not fun. Hopefully in time, you will find healing though and be more at peace.
Galagirl
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Hi leslie,
I'm very sorry to hear that you and your husband are breaking up. It is my impression that you have been trying to accept him for a long time. And, he has repeatedly overstepped the bounds you are comfortable with. You even have a counselor saying this is an impossible situation, so, it is reasonable to conclude that breaking up is the right thing to do.
I hope both of you will be able to find some healing in the months ahead.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
I'm very sorry to hear that you and your husband are breaking up. It is my impression that you have been trying to accept him for a long time. And, he has repeatedly overstepped the bounds you are comfortable with. You even have a counselor saying this is an impossible situation, so, it is reasonable to conclude that breaking up is the right thing to do.
I hope both of you will be able to find some healing in the months ahead.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.