non-mono vs poly in a marriage.

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PrincedMike

New member
So I'm 36 straight male married to 32 year old, mostly straight wife. We've been married for 6 years and open now for 6 months, we discussed that we didn't believe in life time monogamy and we'd open up at some point.

So here's the point I'm looking for advice on. We each kinda have different goals. She likes dating/hooking up with a variety of guys and not really looking for long term relationship. I'm the opposite I want a girlfriend. Last night had a super date with a girl who I hope will be what I've been looking for. So we both respect and are cool with each other's wants and needs, but is there any pitfalls I should watch for.
 
I don't see any problem in your situation. Just keep communicating as you have done so far. There are several people posting here in situations like you describe: one partner being poly and wanting relationships, other more prone to casual things - me included. I am the relationship person, my husband has less serious and less entangled flings with various people.

Either one of you might get jealous and insecure because of how you handle your way of non-monogamy. Or might not. If jealousy happens then you have to deal with it.
 
I wouldn't agree nor ask my partners to agree to not develop feelings. She may be ready for you to have strong feelings for someone, but you may get comfortable with her not developing feelings. And then bam, she may. It could lead you to feeling betrayal.

This is a common pitfall I see. She never may, and you might not either. Leaving the possibility open, though, could potentially be much easier down the line.

Also don't second guess her is she's not developing feelings. That's fine also.

Good luck!
 
It sounds like you and your wife communicate well, understand and respect each other's "open" style, and have agreed on how to proceed. All of which is awesome, because there are poly/open couples who NEVER get to that point.

As Nadya said, just continue communicating. I try to check in fairly regularly with Hubby (who is completely monogamous) to make sure he's okay with the situation; I also check in with myself to make sure I'm okay with how Hubby and my boyfriend do things, and if I detect a problem, I talk to whichever guy is involved. Poly isn't a case of "we've decided how we're doing this and so there we go", it's a case of "we've decided how to start, but we need to keep making sure it's working."
 
Hi PrincedMike,

My advice is pretty simple, take things slowly and communicate often. Right now it sounds like things are going well for you guys. Hopefully that will continue, I am taking an optimistic view.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I think one potential pitfall when partners have very different goals or approaches to having other relationships would be over-sharing information. Since your wife doesn't want emotional attachment with the guys she dates, she might become intimidated or upset if you are always exclaiming your infatuation or feelings of love for a girlfriend. I'm not recommending DADT; just don't get into every little detail with the wife (which would also serve to respect a girlfriend's privacy). For example, ccoming home from a date, you can say you had a great time and enjoyed the gf's company very much, but you wouldn't relay specifics about conversations, declarations of love, or sex acts with gf to the wife.
 
One potential pitfall has to do with your perceptions of her relationships and vice versa.

I was in a similar situation, almost word for word. The new partners on a rotating basis was very stressful for me at times. Likewise, at times, she stressed out over my "romances" which see saw occasionally as a threat. We finally operated pretty independently. It was never don't ask don't tell but unless a new guy was going to be around for a period of time, I really didn't want to know about it or bother with the flavor of the month.
 
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